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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to protect my child?

38 replies

hurryup · 01/07/2013 22:07

Potted history, abusive marriage and 5dc, eventually found courage to leave.. Lost our home as twat of stbxh as he said couldn't afford it when he was living the high life, moved in with dp and 3 dss. Now dss1 aged almost 10 has been lying through his teeth to get my ds3 into trouble. Dss has admitted it and dp said we wanted to help in, in front of my ds who has been told off as a result of lies and had lies told to his friends about him. I've given up everything to be with dp and mother his sons and am sick of my dc being treated like second class children. If my ds had told such lies the fucking roof would come down, but not dss he gets understanding and precisely zero consequences for his behaviour.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/07/2013 22:11

I don't really understand everything you've said but from what I can gather, you two parent your children differently?

This is to be expected.

How many years were you both separated from your ex's before you got together?

If you've both jumped from one relationship to another, it can be very difficult all round...especially for the children.

Original poster
hurryup · 01/07/2013 22:15

Not long enough, 18 months? Dp suggested moving in and I got carried away and said yes. My dc have been through so much and dp cannot see that they need some support. Trouble is, if it was my ds that had done the lying dp would have come down like ton of bricks. It's one law for them and another for us

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AKissIsNotAContract · 01/07/2013 22:19

Move back out then.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2013 22:21

You're right, that's not nearly long enough for children to have to face something as intimate as sharing their home with other people.

But what's done is done and I can only suggest that you two take the time to sort out your parenting differences, when you're both less wound up.

Perhaps have an in depth discussion at a time when you're both in a good or 'normal' mood and lay down some ground rules.

Try to compromise if you can.

kinkyfuckery · 01/07/2013 22:22

Don't live together then.

I'd imagine jumping into a situation where 8 children who don't really know each other are forced to live together withi 5 minutes is bound to cause problems.

Original poster
hurryup · 01/07/2013 22:28

Wouldn't be an overreaction then? My feeling is that I want to take my dc and walk. Admittedly nowhere to go but how can one child be allowed to lie so repeatedly about ds3 and not suffer any consequences. I want to show my ds that you don't let people treat you like that but don't want to cut of my nose to spite my face.

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Original poster
hurryup · 01/07/2013 22:30

They knew each other, ds3 and dss1 were best friends before, we've lived here for 11 months. Dss has been lying for months but its getting worse.

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mrsjay · 01/07/2013 22:31

move out or tell him he needs to treat all the children the same he has no right to be tougher on 1 child and not the other I think you need to move out with the children but I am not you speak to him before you fall into the trap you did before with your EX

MalcolmTuckersMum · 01/07/2013 22:34

Of course you should pick up your stuff and walk. As Worra says, you've gone into this too quickly (probably for reasons that seemed a good idea at the time!) but actually it seems as though this arrangement at the very least is not in any way beneficial to your son. I'd say move out and from that point see if there's anything to salvage, but for your son's sake, definitely move out for now.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 01/07/2013 22:35

By the way, the dss is lying for a reason I think. He's troubled and needs help but of course, being a child, doesn't know how to articulate that. However, he can't keep doing that at your son's expense.

formicadinosaur · 01/07/2013 22:38

Lead by example, treat them all fairly. Sit down with DP and discuss how he needs to be fairer. Tell him you have thought about leaving for your children's sake.

Original poster
hurryup · 01/07/2013 22:40

He has little reason to be troubled, he has father that thinks sun shines out of his arse and he can never do a thing wrong. Even when he is caught lying red handed and this isn't the first time although the first time he's lied to get my ds3 into trouble. I'm alternating between anger and sadness right now

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Original poster
hurryup · 01/07/2013 22:42

Dp still won't accept that his son might actually have some faults. Apparently he reminds him of his late wife so what the fuck do I expect? He is on a pedestal the size of Empire State Building.

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Nanny0gg · 01/07/2013 23:10

He has little reason to be troubled, he has father that thinks sun shines out of his arse and he can never do a thing wrong. Even when he is caught lying red handed and this isn't the first time although the first time he's lied to get my ds3 into trouble. I'm alternating between anger and sadness right now

But surely he's had a woman and 5 children (one his friend) move into his home to make a new family? Did he live with his dad before, or does he just come at weekends?

Isn't this a huge upheaval for him? I'm not saying he hasn't done wrong, but hasn't his life turned upside down? Where's his mum? Does he like you? Get on with you? Did the children get a choice in all this?

WilsonFrickett · 01/07/2013 23:31

How soon after the death of his wife/the children's mother did you move in?

Original poster
hurryup · 02/07/2013 06:42

Yes they had a choice in it, unlike mine that had to move. She died 3 years ago. I agree his life has been changed but not to the extent that my children's has. He had been the centre of attention since we moved in and has always been very difficult even before his mother died. I fucked it up with my kids by putting his first when we moved in, mine didn't get any time with me on their own until this weekend for 11 months whereas my dc go to their dads every fortnight. He's causing trouble this time I think because dp took his 3 out this weekend alone so I could have a day with my 5. It was heaven, I could be their mother again.

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 02/07/2013 06:51

You owe more to your children than you do to some bloke you've shacked up with and his kids.

I think that moving out would be the best thing for your children. You choose this life but they have little choice but to go where you go. That gives you a huge responsibility to ensure that your choices don't impact negatively on them.

Imabadmum · 02/07/2013 07:09

Being a step-parent is so so tough, harder i think even than being a parent. And so many of us jump into these situations without thinking though how its all actually going to work. My dh and i had a dd each when we met and moved in together and i have found it massively challenging. I cannot imagine how much harder it must be with 5+3. Its not surprising that there are issues, it was never going to be plain sailing, and if you do stay expect it to be hard work.

I think the fact that your dp' s wife passed away is significant. Your dc still have both their parents but your dsc are suffering the grief of losing their mother so young. I lost my dad when i was 27 (15yrs ago) and am still grieving. Losing a parent is very very tough.

I think you and your dp need to agree boundaries for the care and discipline of the children. You really need to take a deep breath, decide whether or not this is worth working at and then do your very best for all the dc involved. If that is too much, or you really cannot agree, then you need to leave, quietly with the minimum of fuss and in an organised thought out way so the dc know what is happening and what is going to happen each step of the way. Leaving must not be about throwing all your stuff into binbags and suitcases and stomping out into the night. You must find somewhere suitable to go, and explain to the dc why you are all going.

Good luck with it all xx

Roshbegosh · 02/07/2013 07:16

Is leaving realistic with 5 DCs? Would you be on benefits and living God knows where? Then they might have to change school, more upheaval for them. 8 children and two adults all not getting on sounds like hell though.

sweetmelissa · 02/07/2013 07:45

Does not the fact that your DSC lost their mother so young play a part in this? How devastating it must be for the DSC to witness your DC go and see their Dad every fortnight - heart breaking for them. Obviously your children have been through so much, but if I am honest your post does perhaps come across less than sympathetic to children who have suffered such a terrible, terrible loss. Is their anything in the world worse than losing your mother so young? I apologise if I have misunderstood, as words on a computer screen do not, of course, explain the whole story

Having said that you must do what is best for you and your children, as any mother should. It's just I do feel for the children who haven't got a mother to do their best for them too.

I wish you luck whatever you decide.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2013 09:14

I'm shocked that you can say 'he has little reason to be troubled' Hmm

His Mum died and 2yrs later, he finds his home invaded by 5 children and another adult.

And I use the word 'invaded' because to a little boy, that could well be how it feels to him.

There's obviously something up with him to be telling all these lies.

I don't think you should be so ready to dismiss his feelings.

Original poster
hurryup · 02/07/2013 09:27

It was 3 years ago now worra, I agree it is hideous for all 3 of them to lose a mother so young but because she was so ill for the last 2 years of his life he was bought up by grandparents, fathers and nannies. He was 4 when she got cancer and the fact that mine go to their father is hell for mine. He is abusive to them, when mine were under cams until 5 months ago there were serious child protection concerns about his contact with them due to risk of emotional and physical abuse. Last night dp said to him in front of my ds that we are trying to help him stop lying for his sake so he has a happy life, mention of how he needs to stop lying as it is hurting my son. Dss has a stable life, no toxic parent, no risk of homelessness if it doesn't work out with us living here so sorry if you think I'm being unreasonable but my sympathy and patience is wearing a bit thin now after seeing the hurt on ds face when dp said that.

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TalkativeJim · 02/07/2013 09:30

Move out!!

This sounds like an awful situation for everybody.

Too soon for ALL the children, too much for everyone to cope with. Just not a good way to try and build a new family.

Move out. Be partners apart for a while so that BOTH of you can concentrate on helping your children regroup after their losses. You can't do this for his children any more than he can do it for yours - can't you see?

You are unhappy with the way your children are being sidelined, and quite rightly so, as they need help, love, to be cut some slack to adjust to their new lives. You can see how unhappy they are. But in just the same way, he is probably unhappy with the way you react to his children, and is concerned that they too need the same. So that's what he's doing - cutting his child some slack.

The way you speak about a little boy who has lost his mum is not good - you aren't in any sort of place to try and be a parent to this little boy - you don't even like him at the moment. That's not an attack by the way! You are preoccupied with what your kids need right now, just as you should be. Likewise, he can't be a good step-parent to yours - as HIS kids need him to focus totally on them. Right now, both of your being good parents in the way your respective children need just can't really coexist.

Please move out. I don't think it's possible to start from this position and build a good blended family. You all need time and space - including YOU, if you are to be happy together.

Good luck.

WilsonFrickett · 02/07/2013 09:30

Completely agree with Worra. You have eight children, all traumatised in different ways, three by the death of their mother, 5 by an abusive marriage. They've been flung together and here is the result. So, while I commend you for leaving your marriage, which must have taken a lot of guts, now is the time to dig deep. If you can't view all eight of these little children as individuals who are all dealing with particular challenges, then I think you need to dissolve this family. Cos it ain't working, sorry, but it isn't.

'He has been the centre of attention' 'He is really difficult' - I can see on the internet that you don't really like this child so god knows how he feels in real life.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2013 09:34

He's got a very uncaring step mother to contend with though, hasn't he?

Of course you want to protect your child but you sound as though you haven't an emphatic bone in your body. Maybe moving out is the right thing to do because it doesn't sound like you are cut out to be a step parent.