To want to protect my child?

[hurryup]

Potted history, abusive marriage and 5dc, eventually found courage to leave.. Lost our home as twat of stbxh as he said couldn't afford it when he was living the high life, moved in with dp and 3 dss. Now dss1 aged almost 10 has been lying through his teeth to get my ds3 into trouble. Dss has admitted it and dp said we wanted to help in, in front of my ds who has been told off as a result of lies and had lies told to his friends about him. I've given up everything to be with dp and mother his sons and am sick of my dc being treated like second class children. If my ds had told such lies the fucking roof would come down, but not dss he gets understanding and precisely zero consequences for his behaviour.

So clearly this poor child is troubled. Actually I'd be surprised if all them were not, in some way, troubled simply because of the huge changes that have happened in their little lives. Others are right - it's clear that you don't like this child. Well, that's not a crime but it's also not conducive to a healthy peaceful existence for anyone is it?
For the greater good of all of you - children and adults - you need to move out and start over from a position of not being on top of one another in difficult circumstances. If I were you I'd do this without delay. Good luck.

Why are your children spending weekends with someone who is abusing them?

Your whole set-up seems wrong for all the children involved.

I don't know how to say this without sounding rude, so sorry. But I think you need to work on your self esteem. You've jumped quickly from an abusive relationship into another full-on family, where your children are being treated badly.

Please put your children first and do what's best for them. And that includes revisiting the contact they have with their father, if he's being abusive to them still

As a mother, your duty is to protect your DC. Wanting to protect your DC is not even in the equation.

It will have been traumatic for this boy to lose his mum and suddenly his dad has a new girlfriend approx 7 months later. How soon into the relationship were you all hanging out together (dc and you two)? Ill hazard a guess that it wasn't long after you met him which will have confused the boy even more. I think you need to move out for him as well as your children.

OP, it does sound like your partner is being unreasonable and needs to start treating the boys equally in terms of consequences but your DSS is only 7 years old (if I've got that right) and lost his Mum 3 years ago! He is a CHILD, and a young one at that, who has lost his Mum - of course he is bloody traumatised. I lost my Dad when I was 28 and it had a huge impact on me - I found it very difficult to cope with. Can't imagine how a young child copes with losing their parent.

Have some sodding empathy for the poor boy (and yes, your DP should also have some for your children who have also had an awful time.) The pair of you need to stop playing 'my child has had worse time than yours.'

'I gave up everything to be with dp and mother his sons'... yes you did, you gave up your own family, you sold your children down the river in order to shack up with a recently bereaved bloke.

You are still failing your children. How can you not have spent any time alone with your children for 11 months. How can you still send them to spend time with an abusive ex. Why havent you put plans in place to stop this.

2 adults and 8 children all mashed up together, what a mess. Your dss lying is the least of your problems. You need to leave with your children, let your dp grieve with his family and do what's best for them and you do what's best for your children and that does not include shacking up with the next bloke who dangles a set of house keys in your direction.

Agree you should move out. 8dc not getting on sounds horrendous. Concentrate on your own 5dc and trying t make their lives happier.

She died 3 and a half years ago, 2 years before we got together. Not 7 months? I'm not that stupid.

Blending 8 children together was always going to be tricky. With the backgrounds they have had, there was nowhere near long enough for them to get used to, and accept, the new arrangement.
They are all clearly still struggling and if you want to stay together is there any chance of therapy? Family and individual.

My father remarried after being widowed for 15 years. I was an adult and married. I always struggled to accept it and I loathed my step-siblings and their children (and my step-mother, even though she was very good to my father).

You're expecting too much from this.

I've just reread. I assumed by 18 months, you meant you'd been together 18 months and then moved in but I seem to have got that wrong? I was assuming 18 months with him then 11 months living with him so 29 months. And then based on your originally saying she died 3 years ago, I pegged the start at about 7 months after she died.

But you've actually only been together 18 months? So the poor little boy knew you and your children for seven months and then you all moved in? Like I said before, how long after you met him before you were forcing all the children to hang out together? Pretty soon probably.

I think you know deep down that this has messed with this boys head which is why you have ignored basically every post saying that. Ill be blunt. It sounds like men come before children for you (and women before children for your DP). Put the children first and move out.

He has little reason to be troubled

And herein lies the problem.

Two adults, thinking about themselves and putting their own wants ahead of their children's needs and then wondering why the shit has hit the fan.

The children are telling you they are unhappy. This little boy is unhappy. Children don't have the ability to always recognise/identify their feelings, let alone articulate them. Tbh, I would imagine that, given you and this man moved in together so quickly, I would say the same could be said of you (as well as many other adults).

My husband and I separated 8 months ago. I just about feel like I'd like to start dating again, just for me. There is no way on earth that I would even entertain the idea of introducing a new man to them, let alone creating a new family for my children or moving in with someone else/having them move in with me. Especially if they had children of their own.

It's not fair on the children.

I think you moved in too quickly, and you know this.
You said yourself that is was heaven to be alone with your DCs, which suggests you are unhappy with things the way they are.

My suggestion would be to find your own place, go to the council if necessary, move out and focus on your kids.
Work on building a better dynamic Wouk DP and his DCs and then look at moving back in together in the future.

It was 3 years ago now worra, I agree it is hideous for all 3 of them to lose a mother so young but because she was so ill for the last 2 years of his life he was bought up by grandparents, fathers and nannies. He was 4 when she got cancer and the fact that mine go to their father is hell for mine. He is abusive to them, when mine were under cams until 5 months ago there were serious child protection concerns about his contact with them due to risk of emotional and physical abuse. Last night dp said to him in front of my ds that we are trying to help him stop lying for his sake so he has a happy life, mention of how he needs to stop lying as it is hurting my son. Dss has a stable life, no toxic parent, no risk of homelessness if it doesn't work out with us living here so sorry if you think I'm being unreasonable but my sympathy and patience is wearing a bit thin now after seeing the hurt on ds face when dp said that.

I've only just read this. You are both a disgrace. These are 8 very troubled and damaged children, who all have a right to be protected and nutured and absolutely none of the adults in this situation are doing a damned thing about it.

I work with children in similar situations to this. Yours are not unique. Your 'd'ss is not the villain and there is absolutely NOTHING stable about his life given that he is being forced to live with you!

Grow up.