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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IABU to ask my XP for extra cash

44 replies

lovelifeat40 · 28/06/2013 06:07

My 16 y DD is having perm retainers fixed next friday which will cost £300. XP gives me £850 from CSA/month (for 2 DDs) but I feel that I should ask him for half the retainer's cost. I have been struggling with him to get the CSA payment, we used to have a private arrangement which he fobbed me off for many years. FYI the guy earns £6000/month after tax. Also my current DH has been of work for nearly 2 months as a contractor, so money is a bit tight this month. so IABU?

OP posts:

runawaysimba · 28/06/2013 06:11

Are you unsure because you think he might be difficult about it? My DP splits expensive costs with his exW for their DD, on top of what he pays in child support. Actually normally ends up paying well over half. He can afford it, she's his daughter too, why shouldn't you ask?

Original poster

lovelifeat40 · 28/06/2013 06:22

Hi Runa, yeah I think he will be difficult about it, like I said I had many months struggle with him to settle maintenance, he is very tight with his dear cash. I also feel that expensive costs should be split, but not sure about it really as I have not come across this situation since the CSA payments are in place, he used to cover most expensive costs before, as obviously he didn't pay nowhere near the correct maintenance amount, so somehow he must have felt guilty.

OP posts:

ilovechips · 28/06/2013 08:49

Extra expenses definitely I think should be shared with each parent, maintenance doesn't cover things like that so I would ask him.

(I don't think you should mention to him that money is tight at home though, or he might think you just want the money to see you through a rough patch which to be fair is nothing I do with him, no matter how much of an arse he might be!)

ilovechips · 28/06/2013 08:50

Nothing *to do with him, bloody autocorrect!

CloudsAndTrees · 28/06/2013 08:57

My ex pays half of all big costs on top of maintenance, but I get far less a month than you do.

If you think he will be difficult about it enough that he would mess you around with the regular payments, then I'd ask gently and hope for the best. He should pay half without question, but if he's an arse about it then I wouldn't want to risk the regular payments for a one off.

With my ex, I give him a copy of the invoice/reciepts/school letter so he can see exactly what the money is needed for and exactly how much it is. When you ask, be prepared with whatever paperwork you have from the orthodontist.

Original poster

lovelifeat40 · 28/06/2013 09:10

Thanks for your replies. Well I emailed him this morning, let's see the outcome.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 28/06/2013 09:27

Extra expenses definitely I think should be shared with each parent, maintenance doesn't cover things like that so I would ask him.

sorry to put a spanner in the works, but if he is paying the full amount deemed required by the CSA then maintenance does cover this. If however he is paying a lower amount as agreed between you and the CSA are merely facilitating then yes you should ask.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 28/06/2013 09:48

If you went through CSA wouldn't they make him pay more as its a percentage of the income?

I think you should definitely ask for half of big expenses. Maintenance is for general day to day life not big expenses.

chickensaladagain · 28/06/2013 09:54

If the payment is arranged through the CSA then he is under no obligation to give you a penny more

Human decency however is another matter!

My ex refuses to put his hand in his pocket for anything and I've given up asking as he can be very difficult and he pays less than £100 a month for 2 dcs

SilasGreenback · 28/06/2013 10:19

But is this a discretionary spend? I don't pay for my childrens dental stuff, it is all NHS.

Is it because she is 16 and so no longer gets it free (in which case it is reasonable to ask him) or is it because you and dd have decided she needs cosmetic dentistry or a more discrete brace (in which case he should have been asked if he was happy to pay before you went ahead).

needaholidaynow · 28/06/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovechips · 28/06/2013 12:56

Needaholidaynow - The NRP doesn't have additional income because they are precisely that - the non- resident parent, therefore they don't have the daily expenses associated with having the children there full time. Maintenance is, well, maintenance - for day to day maintenance of the children, food, clothes, uniforms, shoes, utilities, small school trips, school meals etc. It is not for additional expenses - for example, my daughter just came home with a letter about a school trip costing £1,200. By your logic should that be covered by maintenance too? Because by mine (and exh's) it means we pay £600 each.

needaholidaynow · 28/06/2013 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperStrength · 28/06/2013 13:29

Being out of work is part of the deal for contractors. When he's working I imagine your husband has a company income of £100k per year on average & limits the tax he pays by working through an umbrella or limited company. Based on this, I think you can probably afford to pay.

ilovechips · 28/06/2013 13:32

Well in my case if we couldn't afford it she wouldn't go. I guess everyone works things out differently - my daughter has nothing at her father's house, no clothes etc, she takes a suitcase if she goes to stay (not my choice) and has always been treated like a guest it's not her second home. So in my case, maintenance really does pay for literally everything. Major school trips like the one I mentioned above are the only times I have ever asked for extra (twice in 4 years). We didnt go through the csa - my new DH paid maintenance for his daughter via the csa and I wouldn't wish dealing with them on my worst enemy.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 28/06/2013 13:33

wow SuperStrength you worked all that out from 3 posts!

amazing!

ilovechips · 28/06/2013 13:38

Lol superstrength - not all contractors are on £100k+ you know!

beenhereayear · 28/06/2013 13:42

Eh, think that would depend on what kind of contract superstrength, you could be a building / labouring contractor or pretty much minimum wage.....

Original poster

lovelifeat40 · 28/06/2013 14:45

superstrengh. My DH's income has nothing to do with my DDs, he is not the father and shoudn't have to fork out for extras. Yes this cost is a luxury for my DD, hence I am not demanding my XP to pay for but nicely asked if he wad willing to go half. Also as i mentionned in my initial post, XP earns ovrr 6 grand a month after tax, so please do not tell me he cannot afford £150 as a one off. he owns 3 houses. His house expenses are totally irrelevant to my DDs, his choice to get married and have another child. It is his responsibility to look after all his children financially equally.

OP posts:

Nerfmother · 28/06/2013 14:50

I think yanbu to ask and he wnbu to refuse. As its is cosmetic and not a must.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/06/2013 15:27

People should try and remember that if the csa asses maintainance its the apsolute minimum the nrp should pay but the maximum the pwc can force them to pay.

Decent people who can afford to should pay more than the apsolute minimum without having to be asked.

FreudiansSlipper · 28/06/2013 15:31

he earns £6000 a month take home and only gives you £850 i am surprised

no of course he should help out you can ask and i hope he will

libertine73 · 28/06/2013 15:35

If he's a decent human being he'll say yes, he can afford it let's face it.

Original poster

lovelifeat40 · 28/06/2013 15:49

Freudian, yes, saddly this is what the CSA has worked out, he can deduct due to the fact he has another child with his DW and deduct money from 2 nights my DDs go to his every other week-end. Very well made point Sock, he is only paying the absolute minimum.
Well he still hasn't replied to my email, which I suspect will be a negative reply if ever he bothers to reply.
Bottom of the story is that his DDs will one day realise what a tight arse he is and do not really care for their welfare.

OP posts:

pinkballetflats · 28/06/2013 16:15

YANBU - CSA is a minimum payment. IMO parents should go 50/50 on everything for a child's maintenance...which almost never happens.

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