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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a tad OTT...?

40 replies

SoulTrain · 22/06/2013 21:44

Ok, brief back story....

My cousin is older than me by 15 years and he has a daughter "S" who is 14 years younger than me. He is my Dads sisters son. We're relatively close, not obsessively so but more so since there was a fall out between my Dad and his Mum and he no longer speaks to his Mum.

I make an effort with his son (7) and daughter (16)....keep in touch with the daughter, she was one of my bridesmaids. Always send birthday presents etc, and prior to DS (2) occasionally had the kids for cousin for the weekend so him and his wife could get away.

Monday was "S" 16th birthday, I texted early Monday morning to say HB, hope she had a good day etc....she asked would I be seeing her that night and I said I couldn't make it but would pop her card and present in the week.

Long story short due to an upset over a diagnosis for DS's speech and an HORRENDOUS argument between me and MIL (whole other story) that spanned Sunday to Wednesday - not exaggerating, was awful, I forgot. Blush

I have just received this text from cousin:

"Hi Soul, hope you are all ok but I'm disappointed you haven't sent S a birthday card. She looks up to you as part of her small family circle."

AIBU to think this is a tad OTT? The birthday was acknowledged and its unfortunate I forgot but the birthday present was bought just not delivered! Ready to be flamed!

OP posts:
VBisme · 22/06/2013 21:47

I think you just need to explain the situation, yes it is a bit OTT, but not worth falling out over.

I'd say just apologise and take your cousins daughter out for a girly day to make up.

Numberlock · 22/06/2013 21:47

Sorry you've had a bad week but I aways get presents to the person before the birthday. So maybe OTT to call you on it but I think he has a point.

Have you given her the present now?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 22/06/2013 21:48

Just tell him about the diagnosis and how you've been upset OP....it's ok....don't feel bad.xxx

Monty27 · 22/06/2013 21:49

Nah, I think he's OTT.

Original poster
SoulTrain · 22/06/2013 21:51

Yes, I agree - usually I always make sure that the present would be with her, I've just been SO distracted this week.

I have explained and apologised but feel its not been really accepted.

In my heart though, I think: "the birthday was acknowledged, and a gift or card should not be assumed or expected."

Hmm
OP posts:
PrettyKitty1986 · 22/06/2013 21:53

I think it's the text of someone who is probably upset and hurt but trying to be as polite as possible.

Phone him and apologise, drop the card over tomorrow. You wbu to make a big deal of this.

diddl · 22/06/2013 21:53

Well if you knew you wouldn't see them on the day, seems odd not to send a card in advance tbh.

Present not so much.

WMittens · 22/06/2013 21:54

Does your cousin know what's been going on for you? If not, then it's not unreasonable.

Original poster
SoulTrain · 22/06/2013 21:54

And no, the present is still sat on my side! I couldnt get out tonight as DH is out and DS was in bed when he texted.

I did text "S" and say "so sorry for being rubbish, had boring grown up rubbish going on. How's the plans for prom and do you realise how hard this chocolate is to get?!" And a silly smiley with a picture of this particular chocolate she wanted.

I know that sounds silly but I did want to emphasise I had got it!

OP posts:
Original poster
SoulTrain · 22/06/2013 21:56

I didn't know I wouldn't see her but it wouldn't be the usual that I would if that makes sense - it was due to MIL issues I couldn't get there on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoulTrain · 22/06/2013 21:56

Kitty, how did I make a big deal out of it?!

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 22/06/2013 21:57

I would never text anyone to say I was disappointed not to have got a present. I would find it incredibly rude.

Don't worry about it op.

notallytuts · 22/06/2013 22:46

I think yab a bit U. you told her you'd drop in a present and card and didnt - I'm a lot older than 16 and I wouldnt expect a present but if someone said that and then didnt id be a bit gutted.

Monty27 · 22/06/2013 22:49

Do they reciprocate with you and yours? Just out of interest.

And whether they do or don't, he is still OTT.

PrettyKitty1986 · 22/06/2013 22:50

Sorry Soul...I meant you 'would' be unreasonable if you did. Not you 'were' being unreasonable.

MerylStrop · 22/06/2013 22:54

I dunno
I think your cousin's feelings were hurt, and his daughter's too
I don't think it was over the top - better to express the hurt than let it fester
Sorry you are having a rough time.

Startail · 22/06/2013 22:56

Very OTT, I'm always forgetting things.

I got torn off a strip my DM for forgetting to post DSIS card.
DM had had DSIS moaning because she'd had a bad week.

FFS DSIS you have known me for 42 years, I've always had a memory like a sieve, grumbling to mum isn't going to improve it.

scarlettanager · 22/06/2013 22:57

yanbu at all.

LemonPeculiarJones · 22/06/2013 23:11

I don't think he was being OTT. He had probably watched his daughter bawl her eyes out about it look hurt and felt he needed to nudge you.

You forgot. You had good reasons, but it is a little hurtful for kids when people who love them forget special bithdays (16 will be a big deal for her). So make it up to her and take it in good grace.

He was just being a concerned dad and he was actually quite reasonable in his text.

Original poster
SoulTrain · 23/06/2013 07:00

Suppose so...thanks all.

really don't think she bawled her eyes out. Hmm

OP posts:
CarpeVinum · 23/06/2013 07:20

I don't think he was being OTT

I do. You need to prepare your children for life's relatively small disappointments. Especially as that is part of the transition of them realising they are not the centre of the universe (prefectly reasonable mindset in a kid, but easing them over to "oh, other people exsist too!" is a good thing)

Training children to believe that a forgotten birthday pressie, becuase it was plain old forgotten, or becuase life hiccups got in the way is in anyway big deal worth badgering somebody about ....is not a good thing. Pressies are thing you should be delighted about if you get, but not work yourself into expectations about.

The sad truth is that from realtively insignificant disappointments/slights in the grand scheme of things ... the acorns of blimming great oak trees of family rifts can be sown.

Original poster
SoulTrain · 23/06/2013 07:27

I agree Carpe. I just think considering I've never, ever forgotten a birthday, Christmas, Easter for either kids, a text to say "Hey, hope you're ok? We were hoping to see you this week." would have acted as enough of a nudge for me without having to actually say what was said.

OP posts:
CarpeVinum · 23/06/2013 07:34

It sholudn't have been a nudge.

If you two are close enough for pressie as the norm, then surely you are close enough that he would see it as an anomoly and be concerned that you might be having a life hiccup and ask if everything was OK ? If my sister forgot my son's birthday I'd be on the phone asking if she were alright, and if she was I'd be relieved, not huffy due to a perfectly normal slip of the mind.

I understand why this leaves a person feeling like their fur has been rubbed up the wrong way. You sound nice, and the type that will let it go and not spoil an otherwise cordial relationship. But things like this can rankle and and it would be better if he was modelling a "other people matter, concern for them is better place to set your radar than self pity for a forgotten pressie" with his kids.

Original poster
SoulTrain · 23/06/2013 08:09

Thanks Carpe. Also, I didn't forget the birthday, I did text her, I just forgot to drop the bloody card and present off!

OP posts:
CarpeVinum · 23/06/2013 09:02

I know love, I was underlining that even in a total "forgot" scenario, let alone an acknowledgement with pressie/person not arriving on time, I'd still be focused on bringing my and DS's attention towards checking the loved one hadn't had a life hiccup ......and being relieved if it was a (very human) case of "Crap, I forgot!" rather than "oh cripes, it has gone a bit bent"