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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call off the wedding?

60 replies

Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:07

So, after 7 years together and 2 kids DP finally proposed last weekend.
Cue much excitement from me, I obviously wanted to discuss venues, dates etc. Now DP is refusing to set a date. I immediately said next September would be perfect, he keeps making jokes about waiting for a few years, won't discuss venues etc.

I don't want to turn in to a bridezilla but I have been waiting a long time for this and I am 37. I don't agree with long engagements. What's the point in agreeing to get married then waiting for years? I also know venues get booked up quickly so would need to start looking soon for next year.

So AIBU to say unless he actually agrees on a date and agrees to discuss venues then we may as well call it off?

OP posts:
Hassled · 21/06/2013 11:12

I think you need a proper talk about it first. Why do you think he proposed if he didn't intend to go through with it - and why has it taken 7 years? I'm assuming he has issues with the concept of marriage - but you need to find out why, and what's actually going on in his head. You also need to think about what you'll do if he says he doesn't want to ever marry.

And you're right that he can't just say what you want to hear if he's then going to fanny about with long engagements as a stalling tactic. It's no way to treat the person you love.

Dahlen · 21/06/2013 11:13

Depends on what you're prepared for as his reaction. If he says ok then let's call it off, what will you feel/do?

Helltotheno · 21/06/2013 11:13

You would not be unreasonable to do that, but actually if marriage is what you want, then I'd just call the whole relationship off. I guarantee, if you tell him to move out, that'll focus his mind. Just keep your own goal in mind. Marriage isn't important to everyone but if it's important to you, don't compromise.... although I'll qualify that by saying if you want the big gig and he doesn't, you need to compromise.
In this case, the issue is whether he wants marriage at all.

Also, make sure you're secure financially, with or without marriage, just in case this ends up a dealbreaker.

WafflyVersatile · 21/06/2013 11:15

Ask him what date he had in mind when he proposed?

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 11:18

YANBU.

I don't see the point in long engagements either. If you're not ready to get married then just wait to get engaged!

If he really won't discuss anything then I'd think that he was hoping that a proposal would keep you quite for a while and he could continue stringing you along without any intention of making a solid commitment. It's very disrespectful of you and your feelings, and I wouldn't be putting up with it.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik · 21/06/2013 11:18

When you say he 'finally' proposed ... forgive me, but it sounds as if you have been expecting this for some time, and it's him who was dragging his heels?

I think fair enough, have the conversation about getting married, what you each expect of it, what it means to you, but don't expect him to be a mind-reader who should know your internal timetable (if you see what I mean).

I don't mean that harshly, I just think you could be on two very different pages here!

Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:21

Thanks all, you are helping me get my thoughts straight.
We kind of did the kids thing first due to age and he did say we would always get married but never seemed in much of a hurry (he thinks it's religious!)

A bout of cancer (me) kind of focused our minds on other things for a few years too.

For me marriage is important, I have made that clear. I am working part time but did have a reasonably well paid career which I feel I sacrificed for his career. (He is away lots works long hours etc). With 2 young children I couldn't do the full time job thing too with no help.

I am prepared to walk away to be honest. I do need to find out why he wants to wait years (he says we need to save up). I am happy to have a cheap wedding...

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:23

Exactly clouds. I feel it was a 'shut her up' proposal which is massively disrespectful. What should be a happy time is being ruined and my anger levels are rising!

OP posts:
theorchardkeeper · 21/06/2013 11:24

Tell him you're happy to have a cheap & cheerfull wedding if it means it's sooner.

And as a previous poster said, ask what date/month he had in mind when he proposed.

Hard to say, as we've not met the man but it's plausible that he thought it would keep you quiet.

You could always stress to him the financial/security benefits of marriage if you think it's a better approach.

Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:27

When everyone asks him he makes jokes about 2020! Then when I say next year he says 'let's compromise and meet halfway'.
He then said it takes ages to organise a wedding blah blah.
You are all right though, when he asked me I just immediately assumed it would be next year and haven't actually asked him when he was thing of!

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:27

Thinking of

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/06/2013 11:29

If you're prepared to walk away from your DP and split up your family over this, do you actually love him enough to marry him?

Either way, he obviously doesn't want to get married.

But you do need to find out the reason why.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik · 21/06/2013 11:29

Oh, that sounds difficult, sorry to hear it. Sad

Do you mind me asking - what do you expect to change with this marriage?

Is it what the marriage symbolises to you that matters (if so, does it matter that he obviously doesn't share this?). Do you think at some stage he'll get into the spirit of it and become more romantic, or is it purely the financial stability?

I'm just asking because it sounds as if you've been really hoping he'll suddenly change how he is, and he might not. I may be totally misreading this though, so forgive me if so.

Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:34

Thanks malenky. I think it's important to me mainly for financial security (?) and i just want that level of commitment. For me it symbolises that the person wants to be with you forever.

I din't know if he'll get into the spirit of it. It's all getting a bit tainted for me now anyway. I feel he has been forced in to it and is doing it to appease me.

OP posts:
MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik · 21/06/2013 11:38

I would be really fed up with someone who didn't get the financial security thing, TBH.

Eyesunderarock · 21/06/2013 11:39

I think it's tainted for you now, if he doesn't want to marry within the year when you have other things sorted, it was the equivalent of a sweetie to stop you mithering.
So if you want to stay with him, I'd sort out the financial situation first.
You and your children ought to secure.
Then consider if I wanted to stay with him, after that grudging sop to your emotional needs.

ChaoticTranquility · 21/06/2013 11:40

You could reverse that though Worra and say if he refuses to marry her even though he knows it's important to her then does he love her enough.

OP has he ever mentioned any objections to marriage as an institution? Is it marriage he doesn't want or a wedding? If the latter would you be prepared to do the registery office with two witnesses?

he did say we would always get married but never seemed in much of a hurry (he thinks it's religious!)

I'm not entirely clear what you mean by the last bit.

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2013 11:43

You could reverse that though Worra and say if he refuses to marry her even though he knows it's important to her then does he love her enough.

Yes but he wouldn't be splitting up the family.

There are 2 kids in all of this after all.

Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:45

Sorry. He thinks marriage is a piece of paper, a religious ceremony and he is not religious (neither am I).

Think he feels we don't need to get married but he would feel that way since he is the one with the high flying career and has made no sacrifices. He feels having children and a mortgage is enough of a commitment to show how he feels.

But yes it has all become tainted for me now...

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:49

True worra. That is why this is all so hard.

Do I need to accept we just won't get married or will I spend the rest of my life resenting him?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/06/2013 11:53

I don't know OP Sad

But you do need to make sure you're legally and financially secure.

Perhaps you could point out that it's much cheaper and quicker to have a 15 minute registry office ceremony, than to hire a solicitor to sort out all the legalities.

Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:56

Yes I think at this stage will focus on the financial security aspect. Will ask if he would just prefer a quickie registry office affair. If not, will speak to a solicior.

Can you make a will as watertight financially as a marriage does anyone know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:58

Or, in the case we spilt up can a solicitor draw up something similar to what you'd get as a wife?

OP posts:
Squigglypig · 21/06/2013 12:00

This happened to a friend of mine, her BF did a big song + dance proposal then started really dragging his heels when they started to look at venues and actually said "Maybe we don't need to get married after all." twat They didn't have children and their relationship never recovered. She's now happily married to someone else.

Obviously having children means you can't walk away so easily but frankly I would have a proper shout at him as it's clearly important to you even if it's not to him and frankly you could be married within a month with a registry office do (not religious) and a knees-up in a pub with your friends.

ChaoticTranquility · 21/06/2013 12:00

He may not be splitting up a family by walking away but his decision could end up being the deal breaker, if not straight away but by the erosion of the relationship over time.

Marriage doesn't need to be a religious commitment, it could be a civil ceremony.

So far he's shown a commitment to his children and to buying a house. Many children have separated parents, houses can be sold so I don't see them as automatically being a commitment to you or your relationship.

OP these are my thoughts. What you choose to do is only a decision that you can make.