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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to call off the wedding?

60 replies

Delatron · 21/06/2013 11:07

So, after 7 years together and 2 kids DP finally proposed last weekend.
Cue much excitement from me, I obviously wanted to discuss venues, dates etc. Now DP is refusing to set a date. I immediately said next September would be perfect, he keeps making jokes about waiting for a few years, won't discuss venues etc.

I don't want to turn in to a bridezilla but I have been waiting a long time for this and I am 37. I don't agree with long engagements. What's the point in agreeing to get married then waiting for years? I also know venues get booked up quickly so would need to start looking soon for next year.

So AIBU to say unless he actually agrees on a date and agrees to discuss venues then we may as well call it off?

OP posts:

Original poster

Delatron · 21/06/2013 18:09

Agree completely LaQueen. Unless a date is set I won't consider myself engaged. Have made it very clear I don't do long enagagements.

Will have the chat this weekend and report back!

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 21/06/2013 18:15

oh dear lord, is this just an elaborate ruse to get you to say you'll do all the work for the wedding and will be happy with a much smaller budget than if he'd shown he was actually interested in getting married.

Strong talking too, does he want to get married, yes or no? If no, what the fuck was he doing messing with you by asking? If yes, then it will need to be organised and paid for, you expect to get married sooner rather htan later and does he want to talk budget and what sort of day he'd want, or does he just want to leave it to you?

thequeenmary · 21/06/2013 18:15

If I was being very cynical, I might think that he isn't moving quickly with the marriage thing because he has no incentive to do so. You already live together and have children. He doesn't feel there's a risk of losing you. If he marries you, he will be much more financially vulnerable in the event of you splitting up. It's good that your name is on the deeds. I hope I'm just being cynical and he's not just trying to protect himself financially, but I have heard blokes at work saying there's no need for them to marry their partners because as it is they have all of the benefits and none of the liability.

Hope your chat goes well.

LaQueen · 21/06/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Delatron · 21/06/2013 18:37

Ah LaQueen, I'm glad that story had a happy ending. It's hard, in a way I should have said marriage before kids but then if I had done that I think I would have ended up being unable to have any kids due to the subsequent chemo I had so I can't regret that.

I was prepared to walk away if the proposal wasn't forthcoming. Now I need to see if he actually meant it.

OP posts:

Timetoask · 21/06/2013 18:42

We were engaged for 6 months. I don't see the point of long engagements either.

Dozer · 21/06/2013 18:54

Yanbu. You can sort out the financial security straightaway at low cost through legal agreements.

ParadiseChick · 21/06/2013 18:56

We had a long engagement, 4 years, as we were 19 when we got snagged, after a year together, and knew we wanted to finish study, buy a house etc before spending on a wedding. Throw in a baby and it took us 4 years to get round to the wedding.

josephinebruce · 21/06/2013 19:03

Be careful that he doesn't end up resenting you because he feels you've forced him into marriage. Then you're looking at a divorce and that is not, my any means, cheap - and women can come off worse even when there's children.

Didactylos · 21/06/2013 19:04

I just got married to DP recently after a long engagement - life and kids got in the road but initially he had dragged his heels a bit. When we finally had time and money to sit down and plan something it was a bit of an odd conversation, and we just couldnt plan anything - we had to really work out why we were getting married.

The difference to my mind is that after a long time and kids its not what the traditional ceremony is about eg romantic aspirational promising something new to each other, but more about a celebration of what you have already and a committment to the future. We were always going to be married for legal/citizenship reasons but I think we both really valued being forced into a few conversations about what we had and where we saw ourselves going. It was kind of odd to create a ceremony around 'weve enjoyed sauntering along in the same direction so far, and wed like you all to know its going to continue' but we did it in 8mths and had a great childfriendly rowdy multicultural party that was enjoyed by all

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