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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel peeved about this ......

30 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 10:47

Be gentle with me - not been on here for ages Grin

On Sunday we drove 130+ miles from where we live to the coast (me, DH and DS). Knowing that my cousin lives 40 odd miles from there I mentioned to her earlier in the week that we were thinking of going. She text me the day before and I could tell from the questions she was asking that she was up for it, so I invited her and her partner to meet us there. She text "I am thinking along the same lines, but (partner's name) not that spontaneous so we will see". i phoned her and more or less arranged to meet her in Brighton.

Anyway on the day as I was hurtling on the M25, she text that she was "not sure about our plans for today, enjoy Brighton". I just assumed from that she wasn't going as she had mentioned how crowded it would be and traffic, etc, etc. We had a great day there despite the fact they did not come. We stayed in text contact that day and she said they had done a lot of gardening that day but nothing else. I told her we had a great day.

So imagine my surprise yesterday (Monday) when she texts me and says "We are in Brighton today! We are going to have a coffee and just about to go on the pier" WTF? Hmm So I texted back "Oh. I don't know what to say since there just yesterday and invited you and you blew us out. Will try not to feel offended". She has not responded.

But I do feel offended - so AIBU?

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 28/05/2013 10:50

I would be offended too. But it sounds like it was her partner who lead to the cancellation, not her.

Odd that she would text to say shes in Brighton though.

DawnOfTheDee · 28/05/2013 10:51

Um..to me it sounds like it wasn't a firm arrangement and her dp didn't want to go to brighton on sunday. So far so fair enough.

They then decided on monday to go to brighton. They're allowed to do that. On Sunday they wanted to stay home pottering. On monday they wanted to go to Brighton and presumably have a nice day out by themselves.

YABU.

squeakytoy · 28/05/2013 10:52

Sounds to me like her partner had other plans for Sunday, maybe she then said "oh well, we can go to Brighton tomorrow then if its a nice day".

I cant see there is anything to be really offended about.

WilsonFrickett · 28/05/2013 10:52

So her partner wanted to garden on Sunday, then fancied a romantic stroll along the pier with her on Monday? YABU. People can do what they want to do, in the order they want to do it in... Maybe they got more done on Sunday than they thought they would so rewarded themselves with a day out on Monday?

DawnOfTheDee · 28/05/2013 10:54

And I would guess you didn't get a reply to your text because it was passive aggressive. I think your friend has more cause to feel peeved than you do tbh.

OwlinaTree · 28/05/2013 10:54

I can see why you would feel hurt. I guess they wanted to get the garden sorted as the priority and then felt they has time to go on the mon. She did basically say that her dh might not be keen.

I'd feel miffed tho. Still, you had a lovely day out without them!

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 10:55

Yes iI have reasoned it both ways - on the one hand I feel IABU then on the other I feel IANBU. I guess it was because she said she wanted to come, which is why I invited her. I agree that people can do what they want - I probably would not have mentioned that I was there though in case it offended the other person.....

OP posts:
Montybojangles · 28/05/2013 10:56

I would feel a little miffed, but certainly nothing like to the extent I would send such a rude txt! I would just assume her DH had not wanted to spend the day with her relatives (including child), but had thought a trip to the seaside was a great idea, so they went another day. Shame you didn't get to meet up, but hopefully both your family and theirs will have got to enjoy a nice day by the sea.
If you sent me that txt, I wouldn't be replying either.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 10:57

DawnOfThedee I sent the reply so as not to be passive aggressive. if I had not replied - that would have been passive aggressive - I replied saying that i don't know what to say - 'cos i didn't know what to say. Was trying to be honest about my feelings.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 28/05/2013 10:57

I wouldn't have sent a text like that either.

pictish · 28/05/2013 10:57

Yabu....their schedule is their business. She didn't stand you up or lie to you.
Your text was passive aggressive and pointed, and the fact is, she's not answerable to you over this.

DawnOfTheDee · 28/05/2013 10:58

She probably did want to come but her dp didn't. I don't think they then have to keep shtum about their plans in case you get upset. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to be fair.

If I were you I would text her again saying sorry for the previous message but you were just disappointed you didn't get to meet up.

PuppyMonkey · 28/05/2013 10:58

But you did say "blew us out"and "try not to feel offended."

squeakytoy · 28/05/2013 10:59

You were already going, so it didnt make any difference that she didnt go.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 10:59

Thanks for all of your replies - it is good to have other's perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 11:00

And yes, in hindsight, you are probably right about the text Blush

OP posts:
pictish · 28/05/2013 11:02

Just text back

"Sorry about that text - it was arsey. I was disappointed not to see you is all. Take no notice and have a great day."

PuppyMonkey · 28/05/2013 11:02

Send her another to say hope she had a nice day and you were just sorry you didn't get chance to meet up. She'll be fine.Smile

DawnOfTheDee · 28/05/2013 11:03

Must say though very calm response to being told yabu...Wink

usualsuspect · 28/05/2013 11:05

I would apologise for your arsey text if I was you.

It sounds like they already had plans for their weekend to me.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 11:06

Thanks for AIBU certificate (chuffed face). I just wanted to gain some perspective Smile.

OP posts:
DeepRedBetty · 28/05/2013 11:13

What's going on in AIBU? OP, you don't understand the Rules! You're meant to hold to your position, however untenable, not agree with us!

Hope you and your friend get it sorted. Love Pictish's reply.

The trouble with texts is that it's fairly easy to send the wrong nuance in the message, even with emoticons, as everyone's always trying to keep it short. If your friend had sent something like 'Guess what, after all that we've ended up going to Brighton today, wish we'd managed yesterday but [her P] really wanted to get the garden sorted before the next downpour' everything would have been fine.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 11:30

Yes DeepRedBetty - I think it was the way the text was worded that sent me off on one - hence my reply to her.

I fully appreciate that they might have wanted to do the garden while the weather was good, or that they might not want a 9 year old running around, and that they probably decided on spur of the moment to just go as Monday's weather turned out to be good as well. And if her text had read the way you have put it, I would have replied differently. So I guess I was replying to the text I received IYSWIM.

DH always says "if it can't be said, it shouldn't be read". I think with text people write things in a way that they would not articulate to someone face to face.

Anyway...... I have sent a text just now saying "Hope you guys had a great day in Brighton yesterday...." and responded to some comments she made about the extortionate parking charges! But I am aware that even that can be subject to misinterpretation.

OP posts:
IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 28/05/2013 13:31

I would have been a bit miffed too, but wouldn't have sent your original text. Has she replied to your follow up one? I think you need to explicitly apologise for the arsiness of the previous one, like Pictish's suggestion, rather than carrying on as normal.

DontmindifIdo · 28/05/2013 13:52

problem is, it's clear her DP didn't have a problem going to Brighton over the bank holiday weekend when it would be super busy, but he did have a problem with going to Brighton over th bank holiday weekend and meet you.

If they had refused altogether to go to Brighton this weekend due to the number of tourists, that wouldn't be a slight on you, but by still going on the bank holiday, it's clearly about not wanting to meet up with you (gardening isn't something that has to be done on the Sunday, the weather forecast was clear that it was going to be hot and dry on Monday as well).

However, her text to you is rather odd, there was no reason for her to send you that message, it just clearly highlights the above. I think your reply was arsey, but WFT did she think her text read like? Why would you need to know she was in Brighton on Monday? The only way that message couldn't have been read as "we've delibrately avoided you" is if she thought you were staying over on Sunday night and might still be in town to meet up.

Mind you, her DP sounds odd, you told her earlier in the week that you were going to Brighton on Sunday, so several days in advance was too spontaneous for her DP? How much warning does he need for the idea of going to the coast and meeting his DP's cousin? Or was she going to wait until Sunday to ask him and make their plans? Odd...