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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask would you judge

41 replies

HatHunger · 27/05/2013 23:20

A parent whose infant school age daughter has a bedtime (or rather will not go to bed before) 1030pm and who seems to exist on chocolate bars and Capri sun - at least a couple a day of both, is permanently attached to some weird pink computer game thing and is never made to say please and thank you. Trying not to be judgy but can't help myself.

The child is my half sister (dad's and his partner's child).

My dad was much stricter with me, going back 30 years, and can't quite believe how relaxed (read: lax) he is this time around.

OP posts:
janey223 · 27/05/2013 23:24

The 2yo upstairs has just gone to bed, it's an early night Shock

She sounds like she rules the place, not good!

Original poster
HatHunger · 27/05/2013 23:27

She does, feel bad as I find her quite unpleasant at times, but don't think it's the poor kid's fault!

OP posts:
FaithLehane · 27/05/2013 23:28

Surely can't be good on a school night for her? My 6 year old usually falls asleep on the couch if she's up any later than 7.30 on a school night. Suppose it's not too bad in the holidays, although I know my 10 year old would struggle to stay awake until 10.30 even in the holidays. How on earth do they get her to wake up for school? And the no manners thing is bad, hate it when children have no manners.

SoleSource · 27/05/2013 23:29

Yanbu i guess from what you've written.

sjuperyoni · 27/05/2013 23:39

The bedtime they should try and clamp down on, ds goes to bed at 8/9 but doesn't sleep until 11 - we still have the bedtime routine, milk then bed ( ds is 18 months and going through a loooong regression it seems) they should be dealing with her sleep refusal not giving in. I'd judge.

The chocolate and capri sun i'd judge but not outwardly, other people have other ways of feeding their dc i don't have to like it.

PInk computer thing i'd hope had educational games on it? I doubt that i'd bother with that but it's a bit sad for her that that is her favourite toy.

The no manners is the one i'd pull them up on tbh or your half sister will end up a spoilt little madam as she gets older 'mummy doesn't make me so why should you' attitude won't do her any good.

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 27/05/2013 23:43

I wouldn't judge. They are the ones who have to deal with it.

The manners you just sort out if it bothers you. When you give her something or she asks for something dont give her it til she says please or thank you. I have a 3 year old sister and a 2 year old brother and that's what I do with them. I do it the older ones too Grin

wannabedomesticgoddess · 27/05/2013 23:44

You sound jealous.

Joiningthegang · 27/05/2013 23:44

Yes I would - I shouldn't but I would - and it is your business - she is your baby sister

wannabedomesticgoddess · 27/05/2013 23:48

and it is your business - she is your baby sister

Eh? How does that work then?

Sister does not equal parent.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/05/2013 23:55

How do you know that's all she eats?

I think I would probably only be a bit eye brow raised at the please and thank you thing.

I would be surprised if she's always glued to the game thingy or if that's all she eats i expect its just when you see her and bedtimes don't have to be strict and if the child is perfectly capable of functioning well without an early one then bah its no big deal

pumpkinsweetie · 27/05/2013 23:55

I think this is more of a jealousy thing, and i do sympathise. It must be hard when a half sister is favoured more than you.

Bogeyface · 27/05/2013 23:59

I dont think the OP sounds jealous at all. I am sure the OP can see where this heading and probably appreciates the fact that she wasnt parented so badly.

Yes, I would judge and even more so if I knew that at least one parent was capable of parenting effectively and either cant be bothered or isnt allowed to.

TidyDancer · 28/05/2013 00:01

Gosh no, you don't sound jealous at all, you sound concerned. And rightly so IMO.

Not sure what you can do about it though. My cousin's DC is much like this and it worries me as well.

Original poster
HatHunger · 28/05/2013 00:06

God no, I'm not remotely jealous!

a bit sad that I haven't bonded so well with my sister as, like I say, she's quite unpleasant at times

And shocked at the lack of parenting to be honest. Yes she does seem to function well at school and is highly intelligent, but still think 1030 is too late for a six year old! I have a toddler so admittedly haven't been in their shoes, but I'm quite strict and his manners are better than hers!

OP posts:
SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 28/05/2013 00:15

Hat Do you have to sit up with her til she goes to bed and deal with her possibly been moody on a morning? If the answer is yes then maybe speak to them about it. If no then I dont see the issue.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 28/05/2013 00:24

Stop comparing parenting standards. Do the best job you can and let them get on with it. They will reap what they sow.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/05/2013 00:27

It much depends on the 6 yo and on what time she has to get up,some kids function perfectly well on about 9 hours some don't without 12 hours I think the general info given for how much they 'need' is about 10 hours 40 mins something like that but its very subjective and different for everybody.

I have one child who has not slept more than 4 hours in any 24 hour period since he was about 2ish he's fine its me that's frazzled.

If she dosnt get up untill say 8.15am and goes to sleep at 10.30pm she's not far off

TigOldBitties · 28/05/2013 00:31

Bedtime- fine my DD is 6 and can easily go to bed at 10:30. She doesn't have a bedtime, she goes when she wants, she still wakes up at the crack of dawn, not everyone has the same sleep habits.

Please and Thank You- totally unacceptable in my opinion, must have manners.

Computer game- fine, we don't all have the same interests. We're now a technology generation and she will move onto something else soon enough.

Capri Sun and Chocolate- really wouldn't bother me, it's only food and she isn't starving. I doubt its all she eats, most schools wouldn't allow it.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 00:45

Do the best job you can and let them get on with it. They will reap what they sow.

I have a big problem with people saying this, because ultimately the child will reap what the parents have sown (sowed?!). My friends daughter was indulged partly through laziness and partly through my friend not wanting to be the bad guy with discipline. The result is that the daughter moved out to live with her BF at 17 and has been sacked from a series of jobs because she simply can not understand the concept of rules. If she cant be bothered to turn up for work then she doesnt and then kicks off in no small way when she gets disciplined for it. She has no career, minimal qualifications and no future. Her mother is living the high life with no kids at home.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 28/05/2013 00:50

That situation is not exclusive to children of crap parents Bogey.

This child is not being neglected or abused. The OP doesnt agree with certain things, and chooses different for her own child. But I doubt her father would listen to her if she said anything.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:18

No it isnt, but just saying that the parents will somehow pay for their crap parenting isnt fair on the poor child. This child is far more likely to have issues due to her lax upbringing, and that will be thrown in sharp relief when compared to the OP, her upbringing and her life now.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:21

And I would say that while she isnt being abused, I think that she is being emotionally neglected by not being taught vital life skills. Manners, the ability to get on with others, the are of compromise etc are all things that parents should teach their children. If those things are not taught then the child can't fully participate in a society that expects those things as the norm.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:21

Sorry for typos, using tab and not previewing!

Kiwiinkits · 28/05/2013 01:48

I judge this sort of thing, and I judge hard TBH. I think all of those examples you gave about your half sister are examples of piss-poor, lazy arse parenting. I agree with Bogeyface, ultimately it's not fair on the kid.

Can't you have a word with your Dad about it? Ask him why he's such a shit dad that he can't get his DD into bed at a reasonable time and feed her reasonable food and get her to engage with people rather than play blip-blip games?

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:53

Can't you have a word with your Dad about it?

I suspect the answer will be no, because the wife is much younger and he is terrified of upsetting her and him ending up alone......

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