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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling sad about this,

48 replies

glam71 · 19/05/2013 22:32

So dd made her 1st holy communion today. She looked amazing and it was really special.
However, the day was marred by dh's attitude. He was only there because he felt obliged to go. When I originally mentioned it he said he didn't really want to go as he doesn't do church.
Now of course I am glad he was there but aibu to feel he should go gladly for the sake of his dd.
It was also fairly obvious to me at least that he would rather be somewhere else.

OP posts:
FJL203 · 19/05/2013 22:45

Why did he agree to go if he said originally that he didn't want to?

There's no reason for you to feel sad You thought the day really special, presumably your daughter did too, that's what matters although TBH and to be fair to your DH I'd have wanted to be somewhere else too. You can't make someone enjoy a religious event in which they don't believe or in which they have no interest.

Perhaps next time there's a religious ceremony just leave DH out of it if you think you'll be happier without worrying about his attitude to the event.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 19/05/2013 22:45

What did you want from him, he said he didn't want to go, he stated his reasons, he went anyway for his dds sake, and you still aren't happy about it because he didn't act pleased enough to be there.

I think you are being a bit picky tbh.

Hassled · 19/05/2013 22:48

I take it you're reasonably devout and he isn't? That must actually be really hard for both of you to reconcile. And on this occasion, you "won", IYSWIM - your DD did make her communion. I think you probably need to let his bad attititude go.

WestieMamma · 19/05/2013 22:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel sad. I would too if my husband didn't show much enthusiasm for something which really mattered to me and was a big event in our son's life.

lunar1 · 19/05/2013 22:49

I think you put him in a no win situation tbh.

Unami · 19/05/2013 22:52

Why on earth do you expect your DH to feign enthusiasm for a religious event he evidently has no belief or interest in? That's totally unreasonable. All the more so because he showed up for your daughter's day, and to please you.

I also find it strange that you are bringing up your DD in a religion which your DH does not seem to believe in or agree with. I would expect both parents (if both are primary carers) to get equal input into a child's religious/spiritual/moral upbringing, including non-religious parents.

marriedinwhiteagain · 19/05/2013 22:53

It wasn't about him; it was about dd and he is her father and should have wholeheartedly supported her. Congratulations to dd btw.

marriedinwhiteagain · 19/05/2013 22:56

I don't especially like soe of DH's clients or some of his football mates. But when I. Have to entertain them I do it with good grace and make sure they don't realise I don't enjoy their company. I do it because compromise is important and it is appropriate to be polite.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/05/2013 22:57

Perhaps he agreed to your DD being brought up in religion, but still finds occasions like this difficult to reconcile with himself. I think that's understandable if he isn't in to religion.

As long as he appeared supportive to your dd, then he's doing enough.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/05/2013 22:58

Not so much about the DD, as about her mother and her beliefs I would guess.

Children don't know what to believe in unless they are told and taught. They cannot possibly be objective enough to positively choose religion - any religion.

OP - you got your way that she took communion, her father was there. If he doesn't believe then it will have been a bizarre experience for him, and I'll repeat my assertion that it was less about your daughter than it was about you.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 19/05/2013 23:04

Regardless of parent beliefs, the daughter comes first. A pretend smile or feigned excitement for half an hour isn't going to kill him. A grumpy, sulky adult must have been lovely for your DD, how delightful he sounds.

I feel if this were based on any other topic than a religious occasion, more people would say he wad BU.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 19/05/2013 23:05

*was

sweetkitty · 19/05/2013 23:07

Congratulations to you DD, my DD made her communion yesterday as well.

My DP (yes we aren't married) is RC, I am an athiest, so yes I helped my DD1 celebrate something I do not believe in whatsoever probably hypocritical I know.

Before we had DC we spoke about religion and DP had asked that they would be brought up RC, as I have no religion I agreed, they attend RC school as well. My thoughts are if they were being brought up RC rather than do it half hearted I would totally support it, it's important to DP. We have already spoken to the older ones about why Mum is not a Catholic and when you are an adult you get to chose which religion you want for yourself or none at all.

I think if your DH was going to be like this he should have been adamant that your DC were not brought up RC rather than agree (prob to keep you happy as its important to you) but then is unhappy with the whole big religious occasions thing.

FJL203 · 19/05/2013 23:10

Brian, unless the child is old enough to make a fully informed decision from an unbiased standpoint it was all about the parents' beliefs and the child wasn't coming first anyway!

And who said the DH was "grumpy, sulky"? Not the OP! She just didn't like his attitude which was apparent to her "at least" - indicating that it wasn't apparent to anyone else.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 19/05/2013 23:20

My decision to bring my children up with religion is based on putting them first, as I believe it is in their best interests. if they decide it isn't for them as they get older then that's up to them.

Have been in a similar situation to OP, I just think there are times when you can/have to put on a slight act because life ain't all about you.

Being at a HC last week, the children were very happy and full of pride, their families equally so.

ai

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 19/05/2013 23:21

I read OP as he made it obvious he wasn't happy to be there, second reading I see it was only obvious to OP.

picnicbasketcase · 19/05/2013 23:25

I too find it strange that children can be raised in a religion that only one parent believes in, one of you overruling the other on such an important issue seems wrong to me, but on the other hand it is hurtful to a child when a parent doesn't show interest in something the child is excited about or considers an achievement.

Unami · 19/05/2013 23:30

It's a difficult situation. BrianC, if you think that your children being brought up with a religion is in their best interests, even though you aren't religious, then fair enough. But we don't know anything about how the OP's DH actually feels about religion, or the religious upbringing his DD is getting, as the OP didn't provide any context, other than that he doesn't "do church" and didn't really feel comfortable going there. I can only imagine that they've already discussed the issue in detail, and the OP knows his honest feelings about religious education - but if this occasion has puzzled or frustrated her, then perhaps more is necessary.

I do appreciate that there are occasions where we just have to rub along and put on a bit of social grace, but I also feel that religious/moral education is actually one area where we have a duty to be honest and authentic with our DCs, otherwise what is the point? What's the point in bringing them up within a certain creed, and to encourage them to form deep, personal beliefs, if the most important adults in their lives are being flippant or hypocritical about them?

Original poster
glam71 · 19/05/2013 23:43

Thank you for your replies. We did discuss religion in marriage prep context and dh was happy for dc to be brought up with faith. However, actually practising my faith has been more hot and miss.
I attend church and prayer groups when i can but have never forced religion on dc.
Dd decided she wanted to do holy communion. Dd2 on the other hand isn't interested so stays home with dh.
I have encouraged dd2 to come but have never forced her. Dh has said he understands dd2 thinking there are much more interesting things to do on a sunday.
So i guess maybe feelings have changed.
For me it is about support for dd. Eg never attends remembrance parades etc either.
Sorry for dripfeed.

OP posts:
Unami · 19/05/2013 23:57

Based on what you've just said, glam, I think I've been way too harsh, and I'm sorry you're in a difficult position.

If DD1 has freely chosen to do holy communion, whereas DD2 isn't interested, then yes, I do feel that your DH should be supportive of DD1 and her choices, including going to occasions where parents are expected to attend.

At the same time, first communion is part of a journey towards taking individual responsibility for your faith and becoming an 'adult' (in the sense of knowing right from wrong, moral development) in the eyes of the church and community, so part of that is learning to recognise that people all have different experiences and beliefs, and part of her religious/spiritual journey will be about understanding the fact that her father has a different spiritual/philosophical outlook. If anything, I would encourage conversation about this between them, for the sake developing her religious/philosophical maturity. So I would expect and encourage your DH to show up to her events as a supportive parent, but I would not expect him to feign belief/enthusiasm he does not have, and I would encourage everyone to talk about the situation honestly.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 20/05/2013 02:07

just to clarify, I am religious, I have a strong faith, hence my assertion it being in my children's best interest.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 20/05/2013 03:20

He doesnt share your faith, he doesnt have to practice your faith. Both your DCs have been given the chance to share your faith. One does, one doesnt. You cannot force faith onto other people.

As a devout atheist I do find exclusively religious events difficult. What exactly is one expected to do? Stand staring into space or 'go through the motions'?

He went, you sound as though you wanted him to join in more

WorrySighWorrySigh · 20/05/2013 03:23

sorry pressed post to soon

He went, you sound as though you wanted him to join in more. If it was something in which he didnt believe then joining in would have been a lie.

When you married did you hope that his faith would grow and are now finding that if anything his faith is shrinking?

AKissIsNotAContract · 20/05/2013 05:04

My dad fell asleep and started snoring loudly at mine. At least your DP stayed awake.

cory · 20/05/2013 08:45

Depends on how openly he sulked. Did he glare at the congregation, make tutting noises during the ceremony and refuse to shake hands with the priest afterwards? Or was he simply not joining in the responses?

As the religious half in a mixed couple, I feel it is all about compromise and meeting each other half way. I didn't insist on getting married in church because I knew that would be too much for dh, making a personal commitment to something he doesn't believe in. But I would expect him to attend anybody else's church wedding with a polite smile. As I would attend a ceremony in a mosque or a Hindu temple if required. But I would not be joining in any responses as that would be contrary to my religion. I cut dh the same kind of slack I need him to cut me.