to be feeling sad about this,

[glam71]

So dd made her 1st holy communion today. She looked amazing and it was really special.
However, the day was marred by dh's attitude. He was only there because he felt obliged to go. When I originally mentioned it he said he didn't really want to go as he doesn't do church.
Now of course I am glad he was there but aibu to feel he should go gladly for the sake of his dd.
It was also fairly obvious to me at least that he would rather be somewhere else.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I'm an atheisit. I agreed to have my son christened to avoid casuing my mother in law pain. Frankly I looked forward to it to the same degree I look forward to waiting an hour for a bus in the rain.

But it would have been churlish to go and take the shine off what was a significant, joyful event for the rest of my son's family in order to underline my differening opinion when it comes to their religion.

IMO It isn't too much to ask people to suck it up sometimes, put on a happy polite face and act their little socks off for the sake of other people's feelings. If he had such strong objections to the event those needed to have been voiced prior to agreeing to it, not during the ceremony.

If you marry somebody of a differing religious outlook "compromise required" is pretty much scrawled accross the parcel when you pick it up and decide to keep it. There has to be a reasonable degree of give and take in both directions.

It depends on his actions tbh. If he tutted, sighed and sulked fair enough he's out of order.

However if he didn't sing the hymns (but stood with everyone else and was just silent) or join in with the prayers (still with head bowed and respectfully silent) then that's him being there to support his daughter and not being hypocrytical about his beliefs.

In my eyes as a non religious person it would be incredibly insulting and belittling of someones religion to take part and play act at it when it was something I didn't believe in.

If he did the latter then he was trying to be respectful of you and your daughters chosen religion by not faking a belief he doesn't hold.

I kind of agree with the above in that it depends on his specific actions. My son is making is First Holy Communion later in June, and he is really looking forward to it. For that reason, my husband is looking forward to it (though not mad keen on the wearing smart clothes, and particularly enthusiastic about the family meal following it.)

I think I'm very lucky in that my husband is quite open about the fact that he's an atheist, but is happy to discuss it with the kids, and is happy to attend church, and he explains why he joins in the parts he joins in (for example, wishing peace to the priest, and offering others the sign of peace), and he explains the parts that he feels it would be wrong to join in (saying the creed, joining in the Eucharistic prayers). As a family we talk a lot about what we each believe and why we feel the way that we feel.

But he's pretty clear that faith is what it is for each of us, and we all feel what we feel, and he's very proud of our son for following what's in his heart. Personally, I don't think that's too hard for a parent to do. I don't think you're unreasonable to feel sad if your partner couldn't do this.

I'd be more sympathetic to your post if the first thing you said about the day wasn't 'she looked amazing'. What has this to do with religious faith?

Some people 'don't do church' because they do not share the beliefs of that church and to pretend to do so feels like a lie. They are often more principled than those who go for social reasons, because they want the church wedding or the christening party or the special clothes.

From what you say, your dh was respectful and supported his family by attending an event when he would have preferred not to. I think YABU in wanting him to pretend to be as excited and pleased about it as you were.

OP just read your update YABU with that part. You knew your DH wasn't religious when you met him, you cannot convert him, that is being incredibly disrespectful to his beliefs.
He attends the events which are important milestones for you and your DD the other ones are more about you affirming your faith. Expecting him to be more involved and attend them is trying to force your faith on him and that is not fair.

I think it is important to support your children in their decisions - not quite in the same league but our DS does a sport which both DH and I loathe - it takes up huge amounts of time (and money) - however, he is pretty good at it, and so we do spend most weekends and evenings driving him around, hanging around etc etc because we love our son and want to support him.

Yes, there are loads of things we would rather be doing but making the decision to have children is to support them, even when its something you don't particularly want to do.

We also do voluntary work with children and it is painfully obvious that the children whose parents don't support them don't get nearly so much out of it. .

It is difficult as religion is so personal however even if he is not religious at all then it still should have been fairly easy for him to go along to support her for just a couple of hours as long as it is what she wanted to do so he is going as it means a lot to her not you IYSWIM. No different than him going to see them in a school play. There are many dads that would never do this either as its not 'their cup of tea'.

I don't think you should expect him to attend church for other events but he should be there for something that means a lot to your daughter without making a fuss.

I do find this whole thing very difficult as I feel that religion can be pushed onto children (not saying it is in this case but I can understand his feelings in a way). I have to go to my nieces RC holy communion in a few weeks, I am not catholic neither are my DCs, SIL isn't really either but had DN baptised so she could get into the RC school nearby so I feel the whole things is OTT and a bit of a show, shes had her dress made etc. I find it hypocritcal to say the least.

DN says church is boring so I really don't think she has made the decision herself. I will reluctantly go but I would never show that I am reluctant in public. I will go to support DN as are the rest of my family.

"I think it is important to support your children in their decisions - not quite in the same league but our DS does a sport which both DH and I loathe - it takes up huge amounts of time (and money) - however, he is pretty good at it, and so we do spend most weekends and evenings driving him around, hanging around etc etc because we love our son and want to support him."

So do people who don't believe in what they consider to be fairy stories, who can't bear to be surrounded by other people's screaming small kids and parents and bolshie sports managers and who therefore don't attend these events, even if they do plenty of other things for and with the children not love their children, Ragwort? Or do they just not love their children as much as you love yours?

A parent might consider that they're doing their child a huge disservice by taking part and thus being seen to condone what they may consider to be superstitious mumbo-jumbo. If they'd made their views on religion clear before marriage and felt they'd been pressured or railroaded into attending the communion service they'd have every right to be rather annoyed at the whole thing. Ideally the husband should have refused to attend but he didn't. Maybe he felt under obligation. In any case he turned up, which under the circumstances is all the OP can ask for.

But the DD wanted to receive her first communion, that's why I think the father should have supported her ....... its not about whether he feels it's a load of 'superstitious mumbo jumbo' but it's about supporting the DD and her choice.

If the father is really, really anti religion it seems odd that he married & had children with someone for whom faith is important?

My own mother is athiest but she will often come with me to support me at church events, isn't that what families do?

Wanted? Based on what level of unbiased options? I've no idea how old the DD is so I can't possibly guess whether she wanted to because she was old enough to make up her own mind having been able to do her own research/give her own consideration to the theory of a god or not.

And I'd go the other way - if the mother was really, really pro religion it seems odd that she married an Athiest.

Finally, no. My mother is a Christian who took communion as an adult. I'm an Athiest (in case you didn't guess). I declined to attend.

The father did support her Ragwort, he was there the OP is sad that he wasn't as committed to it as she wanted him to be but hasn't specified how, so its impossible to tell if it was a sulk or not reciting pasages etc he doesn't believe but being pleased for her.

Its not about him. He should have faked enthusiasm for his daughter. My SD does ballet shows and they are incredibly dull. I still attend, smile, clap, buy the bloody brochure. Its something you just do.

I think that sensibly and logiccally speaking he should've attended with a better attitude if he agreed to go. No point turning up to be sour.

However, as an atheist I'd not have gone at all. Not out of spite or anything, but out of disinterest.

There are many things I successfully feign interest in for the sake of my children, as we all do as parents...but this sort of thing isn't appealing in the least to me, so I'd wish my dd all the very best and give her a hug, before not going.

Well tbh if you are not a christian I can't understand why you had your DD christened... as you are swearing that you will raise her as a christian.... if your dh isn't a church goer or a christian and didn't want to go....well to me, he sounds like the sensible one.

Oh I am so sorry, I totally misread- not was communion, not christening and you are a christian...

well as the bible very clearly states a christian shouldn't be with a non christian (for this very kind of reason I suppose) again I think YABU and should let your DH stay at home away from your faith.

I think there is a big difference between faking enthusiasm and interest in a performance - like a sports event or dance recital - and faking enthusiasm for an entire belief system.

Yes, Unami. I agree. Some difference. Especially as DD presumably knows her father's views on religion, and that they are shared by her sister. Must be a bit confusing.

Although I get the impression that the religious aspect of the event was pretty low down the list of why DD wanted to take part. I'm assuming she's around 7? 8? At that age, I'd imagine she wanted to be there to please her mother, to join in with her school friends, to wear a pretty frock? So perhaps the 'performance' part isn't so far from the mark.

In which case, I think it was a good thing that her father didn't put on a show of unbridled enthusiasm. She needs to appreciate that religious belief is not something that should be faked.

From the OP it would seem that the DH's lack of enthusiasm was clear to the OP not necessarily clear to everyone else. This makes it difficult for us to judge as we dont really know what level of enthusiasm would have been enough for the OP.

If you dont believe but are required to be present how much 'joining in' is required?

Personally, I am happy enough to stand up and sit down where appropriate however I will not sing hymns or bow my head in a pretence of prayer. If there is something to read (eg order of service or prayer book) then I will read that. Otherwise I will look straight ahead and admire whatever architecture I can see (without craning my neck obviously).

Thank you for your replies. I would never try to convert him. All I wanted was for him to WANT to be there for his daughter. She is 9 btw and is not in it for the glory. Sorry if offended re amazing. It was just so lovely seeing her wearing a dress and my veil as she lives in shorts and jeans etc.
I guess I just feel sad that I am the only one attending parades, carol services etc. I am happy to attend services at other churches for the children's sake.

Also I would never say dh is an athiest. He always claimed to be c of e but in a weddings and wakes way.

Glam, do you feel that he is being hostile to your particular religion, rather than to religion in general? I am not religious myself, but I can see how that would feel difficult, particularly if you practise a minority religion. If you think it is an underlying issue, it is worth talking to him about, imo.

Not offended, OP. After your latest posts, I think I'd feel a bit sad, too. I thought he had strong alternative views, but it doesn't sound like that. Perhaps if/when he realises it really matters to your DD, he will be more supportive.

I dont know, perhaps if he had stronger views he would see the point and want to be there. Having no strong views of his own perhaps it actually does not seem relevant to him?

If you have no strong faith then the ceremonies dont mean very much at all. A bit like going to watch your child choose their first library book.