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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand the difference between 'seeing' someone and having a relationship with them?

53 replies

glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 16:58

Can anyone tell me what the difference is (in your own opinion)?

What is the point in 'seeing' someone? It seems to me like a made up thing, probably by commitment-phobes... that lies somewhere between a fuck buddy and a partner?

What's wrong with just saying 'we are in the very early stages of a relationship'?

Is it a try before you buy deal? Non exclusive?

Also, is it fair to be doing this with someone that you have actually been with before (sexually) and have known for a few years? Surely you know by that point whether you want a relationship with them or not?

AIBU?

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 19/05/2013 17:02

To me, 'seeing someone' means you can still date other people, but not friends of each other, you date regularly but don't speak on the phone every day, you just have a good time. No commitment.

Whether it is fair to do it so someone you have had some kind of a relationship with before depends on how both people feel. If one person is more invested in the relationship than the other and is being strung along, then it's not fair whatever you call it.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:06

but he DOES call everyday.... Confused and messages, and agreed he would 'behave himself' (not sleep around) not too long ago... he openly admits to being a commitment phobe... he had his heart broken a few years ago... argh.

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TidyDancer · 19/05/2013 17:09

'Seeing someone' is dating them casually but regularly. It can be non-exclusive, and the person you are seeing is not yet your boyfriend/girlfriend.

In the situation you specify, I would say he doesn't want to commit, but does like you.

I guess you need to decide whether that's enough for you.

Binkybix · 19/05/2013 17:09

I think it means you can sleep with/see other people, but it's Morgantown that two people doing this have a shared definition!

Is the 'he' in your scenario someone you're seeing?

Binkybix · 19/05/2013 17:10

Morgantown? Important I meant!

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:11

but what is he afraid of committing to?? I don't want anything else from him in a practical way... he has agreed to keep it exclusive... what else does he think I want? I suppose it's more about how he thinks of me, and I can't get my head around it at all...

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Purple2012 · 19/05/2013 17:14

With my husband we were seeing each other exclusively for a short time before we said we were in a relationship. It felt less presumptious in the early days.

StuntGirl · 19/05/2013 17:21

Seeing someone to me means casually dating, but you're not in a relationship. If I was 'seeing' someone I could end up in a relationship with them if it progressed, or it could be a few dates and nothing more.

Your guy sounds like he wants a more casual arrangement rather than seriously/exclusively dating you.

Depends if you want that too.

BinksToEnlightenment · 19/05/2013 17:22

To me it means having a bit of a muck around with someone without scrutinizing the longevity of it.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:23

OK but what about the fact that he is phoning everyday and he is exclusive with me?

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BinksToEnlightenment · 19/05/2013 17:27

It doesn't really have a precise definition, so I wouldn't panic. The same as 'getting off' or similar will mean different things to different people. If he says he's exclusive and he maintains regular contact, and you're happy with that level of commitment, everything is ok.

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2013 17:30

I am dating/seeing someone and have been for 6 months - to us it means that we are not (yet) in changing our status on facebook relationship territory, we see each other when we can but not that often, but neither of us are seeing anyone else. It may develop into a relationship (I hope it does) it may not (he is not afraid of commitment, more of having yet another failed relationship).

What are his reasons for not calling it a relationship? Have you discussed it?

R2G · 19/05/2013 17:31

If he is upsetting you and you are having to think about what is going on and feeling upset and confused forget the definition.

He is in your life everyday, he is sleeping with you, you are growing to rely on him, and he will not acknowledge publically that you are in a relationship and that he is committed to you.

I would say that you should say how you are feeling and that you would appreciate commitment or not.... and leave it alone (MUCH easier said than done, but there is no point in continuing and becoming further embroiled/upset)

If he didn't realise and does want to be with you - he will let you know.
If he can't offer anything more - it is not the right RELATIONSHIP (which is what you are clearly looking for).

THe right person will say 'of course we are dating if that is okay with you'.

THis chap wants everything from you, but with no 'rules' no commitment, no talk of the future.

You are worth, and I know you want, so much more.

Do it!! Life is much better on the other side when you are back in control.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:33

Haven't discussed it properly yet, no. I will try with him next time he phones. I am happy with the level of commitment I suppose, I don't know why the definition bothers me... but it does. I suppose because I have known him for years and been with him before that it offends me (unreasonably??) he still doesn't know whether he wants to take me seriously or not... IYKWIM?

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R2G · 19/05/2013 17:35

Can you not phone him? He seems to have all the control? I think what you want to express to him sounds completely reasonable - if only for the fact that it is what you would like to see happen, so if he doesn't want that... better to jump off the bus!

polkadotsrock · 19/05/2013 17:35

I think seeing someone is relatively casual, seeing how it goes type thing. So no meeting family, expecting to be involved in things in theur life, but spending free time together and being open to the possibility it might get serious.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:36

R2G - but HE is the one that keeps talking about things we will do in the future... and I am the one that has had many horrible relationships and so avoid talking about the future... (like he wants to come with me to a wedding I am going to next year)

I feel that I should mention... I have only been 'seeing' him this time for a month...

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Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:38

R2G - can't phone him this weekend as he is working, doing a back shift so he can get next weekend off to see me... so he is just gonna phone when he gets a chance. If he wasn't then yes, I would just phone him at home

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Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:39

not a back shift.... a double shift... is that what you call it?

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 19/05/2013 17:42

Yes, seeing someone is more casual than being in a relationship.

To me, it implies no lasting commitment. No promises that you're in it for the long haul. You're not seeing yourself (at the moment) having a future with the person, not hearing wedding bells or picturing what your kids would look like. You're just having fun.

R2G · 19/05/2013 17:46

Yeah ok so maybe I'm thinking it was more like 6 motnhs, but four weeks of speaking to someone every day and him saying all this future stuff, no wonder you want to call it a relationship. I agree it would feel like a 'well let's see how we get on this time' on trial situation.

Well don't take up so much of my time then and talk about the future as far as a year away if you don't want a relationship.

You are not some sort of nutty person that doesn't know how to be have boundaries on expectations after a month and don't know the rules.

I think you are right, and would have a word about your expectations.

Sorry I probably have quite strong views on it, but sometimes you're happy seeing someone (as per the definitions given by everyone above) and other times you're just in a different place and it hurts your feelings and is confusing... which is more like your situation.

Good luck with your call, my only advice is just to think about what you actually want at this time in your life and keep control of does he reach that level or not or, imo, you will get your feelings hurt.

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2013 17:51

I think he's giving you mixed messages tbh - in my situation, we don't see each other that often, or speak on the phone, because I think that regular contact, long term future plans kind of implies more of a relationship, and if that isn't what he wants, or is able to offer right now, for whatever reason, he needs to be stepping back, and not behaving as though he is in a relationship (which it seems to me as though he is doing).

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 17:57

Sigh, so I need to have it out with him really don't I?

What things do I need to be asking/saying?

I am so IN this and so confused, I can't even think how to go about this conversation...

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 19/05/2013 18:14

I'm in a similar situation glam, except its been going on for eight months! I've got upset about it a few times, but at the end of the day heis giving me everything I want

I see him regularly. He always calls back when I call/text him. I know he's not seeing anyone else. We have great sex. And he does absolutely loads of DIY for me!

I've stopped worrying about how he wants to define the relationship and have just decided to enjoy it while it lasts. It's pretty much perfect really.

It's pretty early days for you, I wouldn't really worry about it. Just enjoy the good things until you get to a point where you decide you need commitment or you don't want to bother with it anymore.

And I ignore what friends say about how 'he should commit to you' or 'he's using you' etc . I'm getting loads out of it, so feel it would be churlish to complain!

If you're ok with it, it's ok, I'd say.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 18:19

friends aren't really saying that though because I have not mentioned it to many people... but like I say, i have known him for years, I think I am kind of at that point. He knows me, he's had sex with me many a time, if he still isn't sure... why not?

I struggle with anxiety hugely... I don't think I am up to this seeing someone business, it is too undefined for me. I may be going to sabotage something that could be good here but I don't think I can do this... I've been hung up on him for years, I'm fed up now.

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