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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand the difference between 'seeing' someone and having a relationship with them?

53 replies

glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 16:58

Can anyone tell me what the difference is (in your own opinion)?

What is the point in 'seeing' someone? It seems to me like a made up thing, probably by commitment-phobes... that lies somewhere between a fuck buddy and a partner?

What's wrong with just saying 'we are in the very early stages of a relationship'?

Is it a try before you buy deal? Non exclusive?

Also, is it fair to be doing this with someone that you have actually been with before (sexually) and have known for a few years? Surely you know by that point whether you want a relationship with them or not?

AIBU?

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 19/05/2013 18:19

Your situation may be different from mine of course. It's about whether the 'relationship' makes you more unhappy than happy really.

canweseethebunnies · 19/05/2013 18:21

It can be really hard to walk away when you like someone though, can't it?

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 18:26

since finding out that we are just seeing each other and not in a relationship and he said to give it a couple of months then I am more unhappy than happy... in fact I am completely unhappy... before that I was very happy. but I suppose I was in a different place because I thought it was a relationship...

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 19/05/2013 18:26

I feel your pain, OP. Sounds like its not doing you any good and you know what you need to do. Best of luck.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/05/2013 18:29

To me seeing someone is casual very casual.

The type of casual where you have limited expectations but enjoy each others company. When in each others houses you are guests as opposed to anything else and you don't encroach much on each others lives.

If both parties are happy with this then no problem,its a huge problem if one wants more.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 18:29

Thanks Canwe... I guess it's upsetting that it is 6 years of being hung up on someone and hoping 'one day'... and my 'one day' isn't actually working out as I would hope, or as I can cope with :(

OP posts:
nkf · 19/05/2013 18:29

I am not seeing/dating anyone or in a relationship. I think seeing someone would involve going out together but not having sex. That would either be the end of it or the pre-relationship stage.

canweseethebunnies · 19/05/2013 18:40

I think that the fact he's known you for ages makes a difference, and it should be clearer by now. Just rember to try not to take it personally though. He obviously likes you. The fact that he is unable to commit is his issue, not a reflection on you. If you are truly unhappy with the situation, then you need to tell him. He will either commit, or end it. At least you'll have an outcome.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 18:46

urgh, but I am not sure I want that outcome, and feel afraid of it... I knwo I will be fine of course, but will I always regret making a deal out of it? I have liked him more than anyone else for al those 6 years... argh (we are both early 20s... can you tell? :o)

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/05/2013 18:46

I would be perfectly happy to just be seeing someone for 6 years but if the person was hung up on me I would terminate the arrangement its very very unfair not to.

It sounds like you have either covered it up really well or he is being unfair.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 18:48

no sorry, I have liked him for six year, I haven't been seeing him for six year, I have been seeing him for one month Blush but i first got with him sex years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 18:49

*yearS - not sure how I missed that on both occasions Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 19:12

It may be unfair on him too because now I have a son (which I didn't before on the other occasions I was with him...)

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 19/05/2013 19:29

I am seeing someone covers a lot of things.

I've had people ask me if I'm seeing someone just now, or if I'm single just now. I think I've only every been asked by medical professionals if I'm in a relationship. And maybe if I've answered yes they might ask if it's a new relationship.

If I say 'I am seeing someone' I might easily say 5 minutes later 'my boyfriend blah blah blah' Seeing someone doesn't have to mean it's

I might say I've got a boyfriend, or I'm seeing someone or I might say conversationally 'when I'm in a relationship blah blah blah'.

I wouldn't say 'I am in the very early stages of a relationship'. That just sounds weird. Maybe it's just a quirk of language useage or maybe because it's a weird way to talk about a current situation rather than a past or hypothetical situation. It seems to assume the later stages are a foregone conclusion. I am in a medium term relationship. I am in a long term relationship. I am in the end stages of a failing relationship. That's not really how your describe your status in an informal conversation.

WafflyVersatile · 19/05/2013 19:30

Sorry 'seeing someone doesn't mean that it's casual or not exclusive'. that was meant to say.

R2G · 19/05/2013 19:31

No I couldnt tell you were in your early twenties. Think these dilemmas can occur at any age. People aren't wiser than you about it, they have perhaps just already been through what you are currently experiencing. You don't need to be scared of letting anything go. He knows you really well, been dating then he calls every day, talks of future plans, acts all in to it then says 'oh no were just seeing each other didn't you know'. It's clearly not what you want or need. Six years of wanting him etc, thinking about him. If he doesn't want this or isn't yet sure he should not be so involved in your life (where feelings inevitably develop). If it isn't right, once you feel more in control of it, and know what you want and what simply won't do it is so so much happier place in your head!! If it works out, great. If not, something amazing could be round the corner but not If you don't put a full stop on this. You know how you feel about him and what you want. If he doesn't better to know now than spend weeks months years growing dependant on this situation.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 19:52

and I am also being harsh because I wasn't really in contact with him for a few years... plus I gave a very wrong impression of who I was those six years ago (in my teens) He up until a month ago thought I was a cold person.... really I am a very emotional caring affectionate person... I acted cold because in my teens, that is what I thought he wanted.... now I refuse to pretend for anyone and actually find out he never wanted someone cold...

OP posts:
badguider · 19/05/2013 19:55

I think 'seeing' is the UK equivalent of 'dating' in the US.

It can be exclusive but it can also not be. I'd ask somebody who said we were 'seeing' each other if he's 'seeing' anybody else at the same time.

I wouldn't call it 'early stages of a relationship' because it might not become a relationship.... it's 'dating'... 'seeing' if it's right, if it works...

BinksToEnlightenment · 19/05/2013 20:00

I think if it's only been a month, you should let the terminology worry go.

You're looking for a sign that he likes you as much as you like him, I'm guessing?

There's plenty of time for this relationship to blossom, but you do need to give it time in the early days. Don't make those first big proclamations about him reassuring you. If it's meant to be, it will all fall into place naturally.

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 20:07

oh bloomin eck... I'm not good at this stuff :o

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 19/05/2013 20:12

So basically it's been a month. [looks over top of spectacles at glam]

BinksToEnlightenment · 19/05/2013 20:12

Nah don't worry. I've done it myself. It's easy to be objective. Not so easy when it's you in that situation with someone you're smitten with.

What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation?

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 20:17

hahaha Waffly I feel daft now... Blush

:o

Binks I should never advise friends... I have anxiety issues, am defensive and (as you have seen) I think irrationally a lot... My advise if I were going to give it though would be'if he isn't making you happy, what's the point?'

but that probably is my answer... before I got caught up on the word, I was happy...

OP posts:
R2G · 19/05/2013 20:52

I don't think you got caught up on the word. I think you thought you were at the start of a potentially long term relationship with someone you've known several years.... because of how he acted.... and when you innocently bought up the relationship thing, he let you know that he wasn't thinking like that right now and was still assessing the situation and would get back to you on that in a month or two... and now you feel sad and disappointed

Original poster
glamstretchmarks · 19/05/2013 21:27

i think you are right, thank you :) I'll give him his couple of months, but after that... I am not one to wait around in an unclear state, I would prefer not to bother.

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