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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pay for attending children's party.

47 replies

Savvyblonde · 18/05/2013 19:06

This is linked to another thread about paying for attending an adults party. But I have a friend who drops her 3 year old and runs at parties. With the excuse of plenty of other adults to look after DD. this puts lots of pressure on a few of us that stay to be with our DC's or the host. DF has just announced that Her DD's party this summer she not only expects parents to stay, but also bring a dish to share.
AIBU to be cross by the expectation that we will not only stay (which I would do anyway) but also provide food for the party, plus a present and apparently buy an ice cream at the ice cream van that is due to arrive?
I had to hold my tongue but was venting inside.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 18/05/2013 19:17

I am that is rude abpnd cheeky, what is she doing!

ginmakesitallok · 18/05/2013 19:20

Just don't go.

Alanna1 · 18/05/2013 19:20

Is it possible she's struggling? Either with her kids or financially? Or is she just cheeky? The mum I know who uses any excuse to drop her son and run finds him really tough (he is).

LynetteScavo · 18/05/2013 19:24

Mostly I wouldn't care - I'd just take a bowl of crisps....but buying an ice cream from the van that's due to arrive? If she's ordering the van, she can pay for the fecking ice-creams.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 18/05/2013 19:25

How odd?

amiapartypooper · 18/05/2013 19:31

I sadly think this is the way things are going. I started the adult party thread like this and fear it is a sign of things to come.

I was talking to a colleague yesterday, ranting about the party we've been invited to and she told me about a wedding they were at at the weekend where they had one of those photo booth things. I aways thought those pictures were free and would mainly be of cocks but this couple charged £2 a go!

So it seems even if the cheeky fuckers don't out right charge you to attend, you still end up funding their choices!

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/05/2013 19:34

I think if it's your party you need to specify what you want e.g. parents are required to stay with their children.

At her party she is free to specify what she wants. You are free to go on her terms or to not go.

Original poster

Savvyblonde · 18/05/2013 19:41

Luckily the DD is lovely and all the other DC love having her around, but DF has a very different take on child care to the rest of us. I think they are struggling financially as well, but there is no pressure on them to have a party. It's like they want to take the credit for hosting a party, but don't want to put any financial backing into it. But I feel very cross because everyone will go with it, as she is quite manipulative in a hippy, earth mother way.

OP posts:

pixiegumboot · 18/05/2013 19:46

err, where I come from its called "bring a plate" OK, usually for social occasions, some birthdays. what's wrong with helping out with food? and anyway, whatever happened to the social rule of never turning up empty handed? even for a chn party I would always take wine for host.

TheChaoGoesMu · 18/05/2013 19:48

I wouldn't have a problem with it if I liked her anyway. I guess she's struggling but still wants a celebration for her child and their friends. As long as others can afford to, theres no harm in taking a dish and spreading the load a little. I'm sure many will disagree.

WafflyVersatile · 18/05/2013 19:51

Why do you think there is no pressure to have a party? Maybe their DD wants one. Would it be so bad to bring a dish if you know they are struggling financially?

mikkii · 18/05/2013 19:53

I'm often guilty of dropping my DCs at a party, but that is because I has 3 and my DH works weekends. I find it is often ok to stay at a party with a younger sibling, depending on the location of the party, but impossible with the older one. Having said that, I try to ask one of the mums I'm friendly with if they will keep an eye on DD for me, call me if any problems etc.

If DH is off, I try to stay to give DC some attention and to gossip with the mums.

Overall, I find fewer people are having parties. Dd2 at 2.7 has only ever been to party of relatives.

Ruprekt · 18/05/2013 20:00

This wouldn't really bother me to be honest.

Times are hard for lots of people and maybe this is the only way her dd can have a party.

a friend of mine is going to a wedding and has to take a cake. All the guests are taking a cake as the bride is not having a wedding cake. She will judge all the cakes and declare one of them the winner! Presumably the other cakes will be shared out with the guests.....this opens up lots of other free options....best bouquet, best favours, etc etc

Original poster

Savvyblonde · 18/05/2013 20:02

Pixiegumboot that is true and I always try to turn up with offerings, but that is at my discretion, not the demand of the host. Especially as in this case DF doesn't have a god track record. Will turn up late, empty handed and where possible leave her DD with the host before or after to do important things. We have a case of double standards going on and don't know how to approach the issue with her.
ChaoGoes the expectation that we can afford it and will provide for her party is ok if she put it a bit like that, but just presuming we will stay and provide when she hasn't for any other party this year is a bit contradictive.

OP posts:

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/05/2013 20:07

Savvy take a leaf out of her book and make it clear what you want.

If you want her to stay at your party, say parents need to stay on the invite.

If you want her to bring something say 'bring a dish' on the invite.

TheChaoGoesMu · 18/05/2013 20:11

Do the same back when its your childs birthday then. Tell her to bring a plate, £2 for the icecream and make sure she doesn't leave until the end

Murtette · 18/05/2013 20:17

What are this family's circumstances? If she's often turning up late & empty handed, it could be because she's disorganised or it could be that she's doing it on purpose as she can't afford a present and is hoping her empty handedness will be less obvious if she drops her DD off when the other children are in the midst of a party. Also, does she work full time (or school hours)? And does she have any local family? If yes to work and no to local family, it may be that parties are the only time she gets without her DD and she's desperately racing around doing errands during parties.

And whilst there may not be any expectation amongst other families that her DD has to have a party, her DD's expectations may be very different. My DD is only 3.6 but is already asking most days if she's going to have a party this year and if it will be a "proper" one with the magician (or magic man as she calls him) and all of her friends there - as opposed to the family teas we have had in the past.

So, I don't know if YABU or not. She could be a cheeky & disorganised or she could be struggling and hoping that you'll help out.

expatinscotland · 18/05/2013 20:17

I wouldn't mind potluck, but the ice cream thing. What if you're struggling, too? There are plenty of us who literally don't have an additional £2 on top of dish and present.

Filofax · 18/05/2013 20:37

I presume you would take a gift for the birthday girl, that is more than enough to me. If I'm hosting I would make no demands of my guests other than let me know if you can make it. If I'm attending I would take gift for whose birthday it is and/or wine if appropriate. Asking guests to pay/contribute does not add up to hospitality to me and is crass. I've had past invite to a child's party in a sports centre type place and no food was provided, it was 12.15-1.45, I thought it was weird and tightfisted.

Floggingmolly · 18/05/2013 20:42

Ruprekt that is fucking outrageous! . I'd take a packet of Greggs doughnuts for sheer divilment.

Levantine · 18/05/2013 20:45

Sounds way ott for a three year old party anyway, don't you just do sandwiches and crisps that they don't eat - total cost c£8?

amiapartypooper · 18/05/2013 20:47

Bloody hell ruprekt that really takes the biscuit or cake.

I may have to become a hermit on account of the fact these money grabbing, tight fisted gobshites are getting out of control.

expatinscotland · 18/05/2013 21:01

And she's going, Rup?! WTF? So the bride's going to go stand there nibbling cakes like fucking Mary Berry?

Floggingmolly · 18/05/2013 21:02

If she's struggling, she has to manage her dd's expectations, like anybody else.
The ice cream van is completely ott; fine if you're the one splashing out, not fine if you can't actually afford it.
However much it disappoints her child she should not be attempting to keep up with the Joneses while craftily getting other people to cover the cost, and hoping they won't notice
A reputation as a chancer / skinflint is very hard to shake off.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 18/05/2013 21:06

Think for DD1's party, am going to try and get it sponsored. Maybe a few local businesses wouldn't mind helping out. She could wear a William Hill shirt, and maybe the local butcher could toss in a few burgers for the BBQ.

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