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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner, baby, pubs

35 replies

fossa79 · 14/05/2013 14:42

I'm trying not to think about this, but I just don't think it's fair on my DS. He is six months and I have heard that rather then take him to his home or to his grandparents (as I have been told is happening) my ex is taking him to the pub on the one day he has him. Putting out calls on Facebook to come and go drinking with them.
I know I can't say how he to spend his time with his son but this is bugging me. There are loads of other things they could do, and I am being lied to about what's going on.
I can't confront him on this as he is a compulsive liar (the reason we split when I was pregnant) and he can get aggressive when defensive, so I'm at a loss as to what to do from here.
Advice greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2013 14:44

Can you get screenshots from someone of the FB postings? Might be useful if it comes to a head.

OHforDUCKScake · 14/05/2013 14:53

At 6 months old I dont think its a huge deal for a couple of hours.

Trouble is, you dont know how long its for. And anyone can legless in 2 hours if they really tried.

If he is sensible though, I personally wouldnt mind. Pubs are no longer smokey.

wonderingagain · 14/05/2013 14:56

OK so he's lying about taking him there which means he knows you thinks it's wrong. Has he got a drink problem?

Really he should be getting together with someone else who has children if he wants company. I would be feeling very insulted on your DS's behalf that he thinks this is OK.

Even if he doesn't drink, he is surrounded by people who have been drinking and they will be holding him and things do get out of hand. It's not the right place for him to be.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/05/2013 15:04

Well, I took baby dd to pubs all the time, it's where I met other mums for coffee. Much more spacious than coffee shops.

Drunkenness, or even inebriation beyond about one pint, would be a problem.

Continuing when she's older would be a problem but also much harder once she's mobile.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/05/2013 15:05

Oh sorry, he not she.

musickeepsmesane · 14/05/2013 15:10

why on earth is he not going to the grandparents? my eldest's dad used to take him to the pub in the days when you could smoke there. turned out he had no real commitment to family........ he lost interest in his son very quickly, sadly

LimitedEditionLady · 14/05/2013 15:20

Can you not ask your exs parents to ask him to fetch baby to theirs so they can bond from them not from you because thatd stop him being mad at you.
Time with his baby should be time on.his own or with special family doing something baby orientated.does he want his child to think oh look a pub thats where daddy goes?not awe inspiring is it.

Crinkle77 · 14/05/2013 16:13

I think you have every right to question how he spends his time wth yur son. He has 6 other days that he could go to the pub and drink with his mates. It would be different if he was just popping there for an hour but calling up his mates on facebook to meet him to go out drinking is a bit much. Depends really how long he stays and if he is getting drunk.

Dahlen · 14/05/2013 16:45

Sadly, this is crap parenting, rather than abusive or neglectful parenting (unless the dad is drunk, of course), so there's not a lot you can do about it.

FWIW, i wouldn't have a problem with a parent taking a 6-month-old baby to the pub now and again, but for a non-resident father, who has the baby only for a few hours once a week, it's really crap parenting.

Cailinsalach · 14/05/2013 19:23

I used to run a pub. We were very child friendly and got to know some lovely parents and their dcs. However we did have one very upset little boy aged about 3. He had been playing in the beer garden with some other children but couldnt find his Daddy. We checked everywhere and eventually established the Dad had got pissed, forgotton his child, and just went home. The poor child didnt know his adress nor his phone number. We were debating whether to call someone, the police or someone who knew the family, when the little boys Mum arrived with righteous steam billowing from her ears. She took her child home and the pratty dad never brought his boy to the pub again.

Occasionally we had to remind Dads to take care of their children and once only, a Mum.

TattyDevine · 14/05/2013 19:28

In theory, its no worse than mums (or dads!) hanging out in Starbucks, or baby groups, or whatever.

There is no longer smoking.

Babies don't really know or comprehend what it is a parent is drinking.

If the parent is totally pissed, that's relevant, but that can happen at home, so its not a mutually exclusive pub going thing (sorry that makes no sense but hopefully you get me)

It might be that neglectful parents are more likely to frequent pubs; but the mums (or dads) in Tuesday morning playgroups may equally be changing nappies badly/not at all, swearing, ignoring, abusing, or not stimulating their children.

Its just the context/setting that makes it seem all above board.

Its like people who take their child to a pub have to try twice as hard just to look okay than someone who takes their child to a playgroup, by virtue of the setting.

You know your ex better than anyone though. If he's socialising with other parents and kids in a setting he is happy and comfortable with, however, YABU. Otherwise, perhaps not depending.

TattyDevine · 14/05/2013 19:29

The potential for drink driving is also of course relevant, however not a given.

wonderingagain · 14/05/2013 21:14

But why would you WANT to take your baby in the pub? Why not go to Starbucks with everyone else that's sober?

OHforDUCKScake · 14/05/2013 21:18

To see friends wondering to have nice food? For a glass of wine?

Thats why I go. Its not often, and its short and sweet but it is possible to find child friendly pubs where a nice wholesome time can be had.

wonderingagain · 14/05/2013 21:24

That's what restaurants are for. There are plenty of them about.

wonderingagain · 14/05/2013 21:26

Maybe I'm odd but I never drank whilst in charge of the children. I have never thought it a risk worth taking. You can have a lot of fun without alcohol.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/05/2013 21:29

Well, I suspect my motivation may be different to the subject's but, because they are spacious and very quiet during the day, in the week, so great for meeting up with a large group, in my case of other Mums with babies, whereas cafes are too busy to fit us all in. Also, near me, some of the pubs run their own 'bring your baby' mornings, with coffee and cake, essentially to drum up business at a quiet time.

Utterly not the same as with boozy mates on a Saturday, I know but I really valued the space and relaxation pubs provided in the 0-6 mo phase, so feel oddly compelled to defend their legitimate role.

I did take tiny dd, in a sling, to the pub for dinner and a cafe-bar for lunch a few times, with adult friends and family and may have had a drink once or twice. Because it's social, relaxing and dd slept, woke for a feed, then we went home. One of the nice things you can do when they're tiny! Just making the point that it's not necessarily that different from meeting friends in a cafe. It's all about how you choose to behave and how attentive you're being to the dc.

So essentially, you trust him or you don't, regardless of setting. He could indeed be watching telly and necking special brew at home.

OHforDUCKScake · 14/05/2013 21:32

You cant take friends with buggies and children who are toddling into restaurant and have a relaxing time. Or is that just my toddlers? Wink

I have a pub near me which has buckets of toys, high chairs, a clean safe garden. The children play with one another and relax, something they simply couldn't do in a restaurant.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/05/2013 21:32

You can have a lot of fun in pubs without alcohol too! There's no obligation to drink.

Lj8893 · 14/05/2013 21:37

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and have been to the pub several times to meet friends, family, have dinner, or just to generally socialise and see who's about.
Obviously I haven't had a drink.
I don't see why I shouldn't also do this when my baby is here, some of my local pubs are extremely child friendly. Also, my mil runs 2 pubs!

But this is different to the ops x taking his child to the pub every time he has him, the odd day is fine but since they only have one day a week together there should be a good range of activities and locations happening.

wonderingagain · 14/05/2013 21:38

Lottie these 'bring your baby' mornings in the pub - that would be slightly different, essentially it's a pub but in the mornings it's a cafe? Don't you ever get drunk old men in there?

Sirzy · 14/05/2013 21:41

if its for a couple of hours and only having a drink or 2 then fine. If he is spending the whole day getting inebriated then not fine.

I have no problem with taking children to pubs, we have eaten out in them or gone for a drink or two since DS was little. No reason at all not too.

wonderingagain · 14/05/2013 21:42

Lj, the reason is that generally you get a lot of drunk people in pubs as that is their main clientelle. This opens your baby up to a certain amount of risk. People being louder, less co-ordinated, less inhibited all contribute to this. I don't think it matters if the majority of people there are sober, but if they're not it's not the best idea really. And it's not necessary.

One of the reasons pubs are 'child friendly' is that they would go out of business if they weren't. But alcohol in itself is not child friendly.

Lj8893 · 14/05/2013 21:47

Not if you go to the right pubs at the right time! Several of my local pubs are full of parents with thier children in the daytime.

Lj8893 · 14/05/2013 21:48

I have also worked in several pubs and the majority of drinks I have sold in the daytime (unless we are showing a big sporting event) are hot drinks and soft drinks.