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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to wish my dd bf would move out?

33 replies

SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 07:46

my dd is age 20 and has moved back home to save money, she does pay small rent in principle. her bf also moved in and pays rent. I have tried so hard to welcome him like 1 of the family, but how can I stop myself from getting so wound up when hes around?. Hes not a bad guy, just does things differently (wrong!) around the house and its driving me nuts. aibu about little things like not putting chairs back in after a meal, eating with elbows on the table and mouth open..........answering our land line even when I'm home, chucking dirty towels in linen basket then going straight to airing cupboard to take fresh ones..... help, how do i take a step back and let go a bit, i'm starting to dread going home after work if hes there as i just get so wound up.

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 09/05/2013 07:49

why did you let him move in in the first place?

Chopchopbusybusy · 09/05/2013 07:54

How long are they planning on living with you? Are they saving specifically so that they can rent or buy their own place?
It would drive me nuts, but if it was for a specified length of time it might be easier to put up with. I would speak to him about some of the things. Tell him and your DD that you expect them to do their fair share of washing especially towels and bedding. The answering of the phone would also annoy me intensely as I don't even answer my landline unless I recognise the number and want to speak to them.

TheseFoolishThings · 09/05/2013 07:55

Save your blood pressure and unclench a little. None of this stuff is life threatening. Tell him not to answer the phone whether you're home or not - surely he has a mobile to make and receive his own calls? Then calls to the landline should be no concern of his. The towels? What's he supposed to do if he needs a fresh towel? Nobody will die if the chairs are not pushed back in. If his table manners upset you then tell him else how will he ever know?
Perhaps you should start by telling yourself that your way is NOT the only right way - you do sound a little uptight!

TeWiSavesTheDay · 09/05/2013 07:58

None of this sounds like stuff worth falling out with your DD over.

Unless it was agreed that BF would be with you temporarily, I think you'll either have to lump it or suggest they both move out to avoid a row.

dubstarr73 · 09/05/2013 07:58

If hes paying you rent it should be classed as his home so him answering the phone he should be allowed to do.The other things have a word with him but hes an adult.

Maybe just let them do their own washing,cleaning buying their own food and you just take some money for gas,electric.Otherwise just bite the bullet and ask them to move out.

musickeepsmesane · 09/05/2013 08:03

YABU. Sounds like small stuff. Ask him to put his chair in, ask him to close his mouth. Do it in a light hearted way. He actually isn't really doing anything wrong cept the eating with an open mouth, annoying

maddy68 · 09/05/2013 08:07

Be careful what you wish for. I was in a similar situation and I explained calmly what was pissing me of. So they upped sticks and went to live with her bfs parents. I rarely see them now :( we didn't fall out he just stopped feeling comfortable in my house. Does it matter if he answers the phone? Does it matter if he uses clean towels? Think carefully

Original poster
SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 08:08

i hear what you're all saying, and yes, none of these things are life threatening, they do their own washing -except towels, (which is then left wet in the machine when i want to use it), i also work full time so get ticked off when I come home knackered and they are flopped out on the sofa watching a film and the house is a mess, but a mess by my standards, dirty crockery, toaster still out, bin overflowing onto the floor etc, so am i being unreasonable to expect MY standards in MY house go down just because he was obvioulsy raised differently? DD was also raised with certain standards but these seem to have slipped since he moved in. I dont want her to move out, I just want to know how to relax and let these things go. I've started cringing when I see or hear him, (he has a really monotone voice and is extremely hairy and walks around with just shorts and vest top on) which i realized is very unfair and childish but I CANT HELP IT!!!!!!

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 09/05/2013 08:10

I put a list of rules and a housework rota on the fridge. DD and her bf moved out within two weeks Wink

Original poster
SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 08:11

oh, and he is also very prone to sulks (which my dd then has to deal with) so am always very careful what i say so as not to offend or upset him. They come with us on family days, meals out etc but never offers to pay or even say thanks, just seems to think its all included in £25 a week rent!

OP posts:
natwebb79 · 09/05/2013 08:11

I think YABU. I was expecting you to say that he leaves his dirty pants on the floor, puts dirty plates next to the dishwasher rather than in it and pinches your daughter's backside in front of you or something. I really can't see anything wrong with putting a dirty towel in the laundry basket (isn't that where it's supposed to go?) and answering the landline if it rings. Surely "Hello? Yes I'll just get her for you..." isn't going to upset anyone who might phone for you? I feel a bit sorry for him to be honest. It's quite hard trying to fit in with a different family when you're not used to their 'ways'.

natwebb79 · 09/05/2013 08:12

Ah cross posts...and a bit of drip feeding...

dubstarr73 · 09/05/2013 08:13

Well put up a rota and stop inviting them out they are adults so treat them like it.And put up the rent 25 a week is that each or for 2.

natwebb79 · 09/05/2013 08:14

You cringe because he's quite hairy and has a monotone voice?? Poor lad Sad Do you not think he's 'good enough' for your little girl? And if you want them to cough up for family meals out do you make this clear before inviting them?

Original poster
SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 08:14

i have left 'jokey/sarcastic' post it notes ie above bin, these are read and chuckled at, adhered to for about 3 days, then ignored again! I think I just need to vent, as I cant moan at dd about him and dh isnt here with him all day and doesnt clear up after him so doesnt see the problem ( he is also not particularly well house trained!) i have just had 3 days off so have spent more time home than usual, will look forward to going back into work!

OP posts:
Original poster
SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 08:20

ok, i get it, i am being unreasonable! Maybe what it boils down to is that no, he is not good enough for my dd!! she had dreams and goals, now spends most of her time working in a bar, or lolling on the sofa with boyfriend draped over her. and yes, dirty underwear is left in the basket in the kitchen next to washing machine for about 4 days before it is done, and yes, dirty dishes are left on work top next to dishwasher, whether it is finished and clean, or still has space!

OP posts:
dubstarr73 · 09/05/2013 08:21

I think you need to have the dreaded house meeting something you should have had before they moved in.Lay all your cards on the table obviously dont mention eating with mouth open and such stuff.
Just ask about helping with the housework.Plus it will give them a chance to tell you things also.

Cause im sure there are things that bug them about you and maybe you could take it on board.But do it now before theres a big row and everything comes out.That will be worse

Original poster
SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 08:30

thank you for all your posts, i think i have come to the conclusion that i am a controlling snob with tinges of OCD! a family meeting may well be the way to go, but means dd will have to 'comfort and soothe' bf for many days afterwards. Oh well, I'll be upset when she does finally move out again and my house is back to being tiday and clean!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 09/05/2013 08:41

How old is he? (have i missed that) Sound like he's used to doing that and being picked up after and because you are 'a parent' figure he expects that continuation. (you would be Shock at how many of my 30/40 year old friends still expect their own and other peoples parents to 'look after them' - if my friends come out with me and my parents they all expect my parents to pay. like they are still 8 not 38 with a job paying more than my dad ever earned!)

You sound as tho you have a very set way you want things done (i know no one who puts their toaster away - they just live on the worktop surely? Confused ) and i think you are not the type to have lodgers.

If you think you are charging too low (£25 pounds each a week is it?) then you should address that. Also such low rent, ime, doesn't make people more grateful or responsible, but instead infantilises them to think they are being looked after and you become a nagging mother figure rather than a landlord.

I think you either need to sit them down, show them the bills and charge them accordingly and then set up a rota - like a house share situation. Or accept they will never see it as anything other than living at mums house. Altho, once that happens they may realise they might as well move out and be truly independent.

Good luck.

DeepRedBetty · 09/05/2013 08:44

I don't like the sound of this young man. Using sulking as a means of controlling your dd, hmmm...

Original poster
SimplyCupcakes · 09/05/2013 08:53

teehee! the toaster goes in the cupbaord underneath as there is not enough room on the worktop! we have had lodgers before, we had a friend of dd live with us for 9 months when his own parents moved away from the school and decided to leave him behind (!!)he was taking his o'levels, paid no rent etc but he never bugged me this way, even though we haven't heard from him again since he went off to uni! another friend stayed with us for a few months when having parent problems and is still seen as a surrogate son, regularly in contact and coming 'home' during uni holidays. both were typical teenage boys, loud messy....... maybe as I wasn't working full time then so was not so knackered i didn't mind the mess?? dd bf is 22.

OP posts:
QuacksForDoughnuts · 09/05/2013 09:37

You need to think about what the problem is - is it just the mess, or is it having them around? Because if it's the latter then there's not much choice but to stick it out until they can afford to move - maybe emphasise that they need to be moving toward that goal, and give them a time limit if you think that would be feasible. If it's the mess, then talk to them about it. Both together so they're on the same page, and so nobody can blame unclear communication. Can the 'jokey, sarcastic' approach, chances are they're getting the humour but not the real message. Even if they're doing their bit grudgingly it will be an improvement, and if house rules get enforced it will make them keener to move on anyway.

LineRunner · 09/05/2013 09:42

22 and he sulks? Lawks.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/05/2013 09:46

I don't like the sound of the sulks.

He's controlling both of you, having you tiptoe around less you unleash the Great Sulk. How exactly does your daughter have to deal with these sulks?

I wouldn't be pussyfooting around. I'd be the grown up and tell him straight what he can and cannot do and if he sulks, tell him to grow the hell up.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/05/2013 09:47

lest.

unutterably poncy. apologies.