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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to Baptism ?

54 replies

gamermum · 07/05/2013 13:50

Hi, just had a horrible fight with my partners mother yesterday. She has started to organise a naming ceremony and baptism for my DS , without talking to me or my OH!!! I told her it was up to us to plan it and when would listen to her input and suggestions but there was no way we would agree to a baptism as neither of us attend church nor do I believe in the churches idea of God ( but thats a different story). To have him baptised would make me a hypocrite imo. Anyway she told me that it would happen whether I liked it or not !!! Called me a stupid sicko for not wanting to get him baptised!!!!
AIBU? should I do it to keep his family happy? From what she has said Im now concerned if they ever have DS they may try to get him Baptised anyway without me! Is that even possible? Surely the parents have to give consent to the church?

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 07/05/2013 13:52

Don't do it.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 07/05/2013 13:52

Oooh, I'm so Angry on your behalf.

I'm from a Religious background and have been baptised but I would NEVER impose my beliefs on anyone in this way.

Stand up to her. If you don't this will be the start, she will try this shit on forever!

poshme · 07/05/2013 13:53

In the church I go to (CofE) both parents have to sign to give permission. I'd be very surprised to hear of any church that would baptise without parents permission.

squoosh · 07/05/2013 13:55

Tell her in no uncertain terms to back the fuck off. She sounds like the sort of cow you need to fight with fire.

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 13:55

That would be one grandmother who would never be seeing her grandchild again. Problem solved. YANBU to be incandescent with rage - I am on your behalf!

Patchouli · 07/05/2013 13:56

AUBU? God no!

JohnSnowsTie · 07/05/2013 13:56

I do want to get mine baptised but I'd be mightily pissed off if a relative organised it all without my consent. It's really not your MIL's place to do it, and whatever her religious views are she needs to respect that you hold different ones and that you're not "wrong" for doing so.

NinaHeart · 07/05/2013 13:56

Another church-going Christian (C of E) here who thinks this is totally unacceptable. It isn't her decision to make.

Original poster
gamermum · 07/05/2013 14:01

I have been baptised myself and I respect people and their beliefs but I want my DS to make his own choices when he is old enough to. She just dose not seem to understand that.
I would love to tell her to fuck off :D I like to try keep the peace but she really went to town on me yesterday I was really shaken up after it.
Im just paranoid now as her sister is friends with a priest but poshme thats reassuring thank you

OP posts:
pickledginger · 07/05/2013 14:03

I'd talk to the priest in question. So he can't claim he didn't know.

Flobbadobs · 07/05/2013 14:05

YANBU at all!
The vicar of the church would want to see you attending regularly anyway and if you met them and made it clear that tou were only getting DS baptised because other people told you to they probably wouldn't do it.
If you want to do something have a naming ceremony or party without doing the church bit but don't be railroaded into this.
How on earth can someone be a stupid sicko to not want a baptism? She sounds a little barking tbh, is she usually this way?

elliejjtiny · 07/05/2013 14:05

YANBU. It's the parents choice. I don't think a vicar would baptize a baby without parents consent but I wouldn't let her look after your DC without you just in case.

RevoltingPeasant · 07/05/2013 14:05

OP what church is this? Is it - without being funny - a less mainstream church?

I'm just wondering if somewhere really evangelical would actually buy the whole 'my poor poor grandson's soul is in peril OMG' routine and do it without your consent.

If you know the church in question you could head this off at the pass by talking to the vicar/ preacher/ priest concerned and saying what you have said here, that you will talk to DS about the church and bring him along when he is older if he wants.

Then he will be on the look-out for MIL trying to stealth-baptise him!

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 07/05/2013 14:05

Your DP needs to talk to her and tell her to butt out.

Original poster
gamermum · 07/05/2013 14:06

pickledginger thats not a bad idea. Might get struck by lightning as i enter the church tho :)

OP posts:
flowery · 07/05/2013 14:08

I can't imagine her church would do it without parents' consent, but anyway why are you having this fight with her? Surely it's for DP to sort out and tell her to mind her own business?

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 14:08

Why put yourself in that position where every time she has contact with your son you're going to be worried? At the very least she shouldn't be allowed unsupervised access to a child when she intends to undermine his parents' decisions, she needs careful watching. What happens when he's 5 and you do something she doesn't approve of, what's she going to say about you to your child then? If she's capable of talking to you as she has there's no knowing what she'd do behind your back.

I'm serious, the woman would absolutely never see my child again, supervised or otherwise.

maddening · 07/05/2013 14:08

I would let the priest know that he is never to baptise your dc without yout permission in person.

MothershipG · 07/05/2013 14:10

She definitely can't get it done without your permission.

I was brought up RC and am now an atheist, but my parents still practice. I have a very good relationship with them and actually did say that they could get my DC baptised as long as I wasn't required to stand up in church and lie i.e. if they were allowed to do it without parental involvement, that would have been fine by me. So they asked their priest but he said that it has to be the parents.

However, with the benefit of hindsight and the subsequent struggle for school places I wish I had put my principles aside and been a liar and a hypocrite so my DC could have had more choice under our current school place allocation system.

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 14:11

Eh? Flowery the OP is having this fight because it's the OP the MIL was abusive to, it's the OP who was told by MIL that she was going to do something with the OP's son that the OP and her DH don't want! She doesn't need her DH to sort it just because the abusive person is his mother, she needs to let the MIL know that she won't be bullied.

Original poster
gamermum · 07/05/2013 14:20

Thank you all for your comments , making me feel much better. She can be a bit nutty at times but she has never had an all put verbal attack at me its normally more passive aggressive. My OH did tell her e agreed with me which i was grateful for but he doesnt agree with me that access should be limited. Luckily DS is only 4 weeks old so I have an excuse not to let him out of my sight.
I had planned to do a naming ceremony in August but I been so busy being a new mum I hadnt got around to planning it yet.

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 07/05/2013 14:23

Oh yes, it's completely sick to not want to make false promises to a deity you don't believe in. You sick woman you Wink

I wouldn't give in, also, she sounds a bit domineering - I think you're going to have to put firm boundaries in now or she'll be intruding in your life for ever more.

HorryIsUpduffed · 07/05/2013 14:25

If you manage to plan yours within six months you will be doing really well, let alone four weeks.

She is unhinged. YANBU.

Squitten · 07/05/2013 14:28

If my MIL ever spoke to me like that and threatened to do somethng so significant without my approval, she would be told in no uncertain terms that her access to my child was stopping immediately because she cannot be trusted with him.

Absolutely outrageous!

flowery · 07/05/2013 14:36

"the OP is having this fight because it's the OP the MIL was abusive to, it's the OP who was told by MIL that she was going to do something with the OP's son that the OP and her DH don't want! She doesn't need her DH to sort it just because the abusive person is his mother, she needs to let the MIL know that she won't be bullied."

No rambo it's not clear it was only the OP that MIL told at all. It sounds like both the OP and partner found out, and the OP was the one who had to sort it (and was subsequently abused). I may be wrong of course, perhaps the MIL contacted the OP and told her directly rather than telling her son, but that's how I read it. To me that's strange. If myself and DH found out that MIL was doing something similar, it would be DH who took responsibility for sorting it out, not me. And vice versa. It shouldn't be about whether the OP can be bullied, they should be a unit and both cannot be bullied.

You see lots of women on here who are left to argue with their MILs about things while the DPs/DHs stay out of it, and I am just hoping this isn't one of those situations.

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