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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to Baptism ?

54 replies

gamermum · 07/05/2013 13:50

Hi, just had a horrible fight with my partners mother yesterday. She has started to organise a naming ceremony and baptism for my DS , without talking to me or my OH!!! I told her it was up to us to plan it and when would listen to her input and suggestions but there was no way we would agree to a baptism as neither of us attend church nor do I believe in the churches idea of God ( but thats a different story). To have him baptised would make me a hypocrite imo. Anyway she told me that it would happen whether I liked it or not !!! Called me a stupid sicko for not wanting to get him baptised!!!!
AIBU? should I do it to keep his family happy? From what she has said Im now concerned if they ever have DS they may try to get him Baptised anyway without me! Is that even possible? Surely the parents have to give consent to the church?

OP posts:
pickledginger · 07/05/2013 14:37

Wear rubber soled shoes Grin

sue52 · 07/05/2013 14:40

I would make sure she didn't have any time alone with the DC until she has earned your trust again. A Catholic priest would want the parents consent but I'm not sure sure if that applies to any other demonination. Your MIL sounds barking

Illustrationaddict · 07/05/2013 14:42

YANBU, I would be incensed if mil did that to me especially as its not her DC or your belief.

Agree you should approach her vicar to make darn certain that s/he knows you have not agreed to this. Outrageous behaviour!

Original poster
gamermum · 07/05/2013 14:43

flowery she told us both but i was the one who told her its wasnt happening. My OH said he was staying out of it which pissed me off to no end as we had already decided no to baptism. He later called her and told her I was right and she couldnt speak to me like that ( after I had a wee chat with him in private !!!)

OP posts:
rambososcar · 07/05/2013 14:44

It doesn't read that way to me, Flowery, it reads, "I told her... she told me... ". If I'm wrong, I apologise but I still maintain that as it's the OP who's been verbally abused and as it's her son as much as her DH's who's the subject of this idea she'd be wise to put the MIL under the patio take control herself and not hand it over to her DH. I just don't understand why any woman would look to their DH to deal with a situation where they and not their DH had been the target of the abuse any more than I'd expect mine to step in if I had a problem with staff or with the lady at the pick n mix counter.

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 14:47

But, but, I agree with gamermum that she's right to be pissed off with her husband "staying out of it" in terms of not reiterating that there will be no baptism. I'd have been miffed too!

That wee chat in private with your DH, gamermum - has the bruising on his balls subsided yet? Grin

Flobbadobs · 07/05/2013 14:47

If it's a mainstream church and she continues to push it you could always go to the Diocese for advice
anglicansonline.org/uk-europe/england/dioceses/
Link for you.
Revolting I can't help but think of ninja wearing vicars stealth baptising babies... Grin

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 14:55

On a far more important note, this sort of thing has been raised before and there have been concerns about the extent to which non-mainstream churches can go without parental permission. gamermum, I think you need to give some thought to what you want and need to do if your MIL is not of mainstream faith or you fear she might opt for an alternative church instead of her usual one.

specialsubject · 07/05/2013 14:59

stupid sicko? Real poster-girl for religion, that one.

while it doesn't actually matter (pour all the water you want, makes no difference) forced religion is as bad as forced non-religion. For all you know she might decide to circumcise him while she's at it, so NEVER leave him alone with her.

also glad to hear that your husband has grown a pair.

Original poster
gamermum · 07/05/2013 15:04

rambososcar its a mainstream church , I think Ill take the advice given and go have a word with the priest( see if he has a ninja outfit hiding somewhere).

OP posts:
sarahtigh · 07/05/2013 15:08

most evangelical churches are baptist and do not baptise babies but only adults or older children that decide for themselves, as far as I know the catholic and orthodox churches place more emphasis on infant baptism and the need for it to be done sooner rather than later ie before baby 3-6 months old, the church of england and presbyterian churches ( like church of scotland ) are more relaxed about timing of baptism

Badvoc · 07/05/2013 15:08

She sounds unhinged!
What does your dp say!?

Sparhawk · 07/05/2013 15:09

I am an atheist and my DD will not be getting christened, despite some family members protests. YANBU.

LouiseSmith · 07/05/2013 15:22

I had my child baptised (CorE) without his fathers knowledge, we had fought about it since I was pregnant. But I decided I wanted to go ahead with it, since he wasn't in his life at all, I made the desion.

I had to sign a piece of paper, and they did it one Sunday morning in the church ceremony. They didn't even ask me about the father. Not sure how it works for grandparents, but if you are against it and don't trust that they would respect your desion, don't allow DC alone with them.

ChunkyPickle · 07/05/2013 15:27

YANBU - my MIL was a bit shocked, but didn't press the matter.

Way back when, my family were baptists (although I've never been religious), so there was no such thing as christening a child anyhow - adult baptism only (which seems much more right to me)

samandi · 07/05/2013 15:38

Um .....

Of course you shouldn't baptise your child if you don't want to/aren't religious.

She sounds unhinged. I would be very wary around her/letting children around her unsupervised.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/05/2013 15:46

Take a photo of him that is really clear, send it and a letter expressly forbidding any other party to authorise baptism. Distribute to any likely church with his details.

Make damn sure mil does not get a copy of his birth cert.

Stand up for yourself now it you'll be regretting it for the next 20 years. Make damn sure dh backs you up.

sarahtigh · 07/05/2013 16:13

good idea about birth certificate every church i know would want to see it

DeepRedBetty · 07/05/2013 16:20

Another practicing CofE incandescent on your behalf! Why does religion attract so many nutjobs? Makes me embarrassed about my faith sometimes. Sad

firesidechat · 07/05/2013 16:38

YANBU

We are Christians and neither of our children were baptised until they were at least mid teens and able to make up their own minds.

Also no way will the church do this without your consent and attendance. I can't think of a single church these days that would consider your childs soul damned if they don't get baptised as a baby, with the possible exception of a Catholic church (not sure what catholics think about this now).

ConferencePear · 07/05/2013 16:43

Just remind yourself whose baby this is and then remind her. Don't let her have your baby on her own.

Original poster
gamermum · 07/05/2013 16:54

some great ideas and support here, thank you all so much. I have a feeling MIL is going to become a bit of a nightmare when in comes to DS :( I am going to stand my ground on this .
I may become a regular poster lol

OP posts:
BraveLilBear · 07/05/2013 17:15

demonination... love this typo Sue52 Wink

OP YADNBU - had the same discussion yesterday with DP, I don't believe we should get our DC christened as I feel it's hypocritical. He's agnostic and still says what's the harm. This will be discussed as time continues... but I understand your viewpoint.

Your MIL is completely out of line. Get DH to butt in and back you up.

Pigsmummy · 08/05/2013 10:35

To have a child baptised in the Catholic faith parents have to attend a short baptism preparation course, meet the priest and the person running the program, you can't just rock up with someone's child and request baptism. It normally takes a few months to arrange too.

Contact the priest and tell him that you are not wanting to get your child baptised until he is older and he will support your decision.

DinoSnores · 08/05/2013 10:44

"I'm just wondering if somewhere really evangelical would actually buy the whole 'my poor poor grandson's soul is in peril OMG' routine and do it without your consent."

As sarahtighe says, any evangelical church is going to believe in salvation by grace alone. Baptism just symbolises the removal of our sin by Jesus' death on our behalf. It doesn't have any power of its own at all. It is just a ceremony and doesn't do anything for our souls.

I really don't think that any decent priest would baptise a baby without his or her parents permission and, as a Christian from a Baptist church, I completely agree with you that you shouldn't have your baby baptised. My children aren't and won't be baptised until (if and when) they decide to make a personal commitment to Christ and want to be baptised.

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