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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this IS babysitting rather than parenting?

56 replies

LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 12:48

DP looked after our 11 month old DD at the weekend; I had loads of work to do and as he had the weekend off he said he'd have DD so I could get my work done. On Saturday I got her breakfast, dressed, fed her, played with her, changed her nappy etc. he took her for a walk when she was tired at 11. She had a nap and when she woke at 2 he bought her back and I changed, fed her etc. they stayed for another hour then he went walking again til 6. Yesterday he took her out again twice for several hours but I still did all the feeding, changing etc. AIBU to think that walking with her all day and pretty much boring her to sleep is more like babysitting than parenting? He does say the classic ' I'm glad I could help you' and he's going out to play golf on his next day off to relax as he didn't get to these days off apparently. If I had someone to get baby fed, changed, ready, look after her while I'm in shower, while I eat etc I'd feel very relaxed! He doesn't see it. AIBU?

OP posts:
CunfuddledAlways · 06/05/2013 12:53

why didn't he do any of the changing feeding etc over the weekend?? surely as you where busy he should have done it?? does he know what to do wih her to keep her engaged? did he take her to the park for a swing or anything?

seems very strabge as even a babysitter would change and interact with baby...get him to do it ALL properly one day so he can see what you mean?? certainly get him to help more with feeding/changing/playing with her

nannynick · 06/05/2013 12:53

If dd is bottle fed, UANBU. However if dd is bf, then dh could not do the feed.

Walking is not always boring. They may have been looking at flowers, watching boats on the canal, people watching, seeing things dd would not see if indoors at home. It depends how much interaction there was between them.

flowery · 06/05/2013 12:55

Why did you do all the feeding and changing if he was supposed to be looking after her? Confused

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 12:56

She's breastfed but obviously eats solids too. Agree that walking isn't always boring, I walk with her myself, and would like to more if I had the luxury of someone else sorting her out so we can get out of the house quicker!

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/05/2013 12:58
Confused

'help you'?! Surely the person he's 'helping' is his DD, you're both her parents.

Next time her nappy needs changing why don't you present her to him and say 'I've had her for a while and I was glad I could help you, her nappy needs doing now'?

fedupofnamechanging · 06/05/2013 12:58

You should have told him to feed and change her, rather than doing it for him. He won't ever learn how to properly look after her if you keep doing half the stuff he's responsible for.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 12:58

Because as soon as she sees me she wants me. I've offered to work upstairs so she doesn't see me and he can play at home with her, feed her etc but he chooses to go out every time.

OP posts:
McKayz · 06/05/2013 12:59

No of course it's not babysitting!! A patent doesn't babysit their own children!!!

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:00

He does change her nappy occasionally but usually under direction - I.e I'm washing up, dd bouncing, dd starts crying, DP picks her up tells her I'll be finished soon, I tell him she probably wants her nappy changed and he'll do it

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:03

He knows how to do it karma. I get her ready because I want to be getting on with my work, if i waited for him to it it'd be longer until I could work.

OP posts:
Wishiwasanheiress · 06/05/2013 13:03

This is just men I find. Did u see the thread where the op asked for jeans to be put on washing machine? Dp did but took all other washing out first.

This the child version. Men are weird sometimes!

McKayz · 06/05/2013 13:07

It's not men at all. My DH is perfectly capable of changing nappies and feeding our DC without needing to be told.

Want2bSupermum · 06/05/2013 13:09

With men you have to demand. If you expect you will be left disappointed.

Leave him with the baby (don't get her ready), the food in the fridge and let him get on with it. You will be surprised at how quicky he will learn.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2013 13:10

He knows how to do it karma. I get her ready because I want to be getting on with my work, if i waited for him to it it'd be longer until I could work.

Not if you kissed her goodbye and took yourself off upstairs to get on with your work it wouldn't. Let him get on with it.

You are facilitating his behaviour.

McKayz · 06/05/2013 13:12

Rubbish want2besupermum! Why do you demand them to do something?

MortifiedAdams · 06/05/2013 13:13

IT isnt men it is this man

Tbh Id have been on the warpath at your first sentance "I had lots of work to do....he said he would have her so I could get.my work done" Confused so you are the default parent?

Next time, go out. How often does he have sole care.of her when you arent around? What are your childcare set ups when you are at work and he is off?

Jan49 · 06/05/2013 13:16

He's not 'babysitting' and he's not 'helping' you. He's parenting his child just as you do, except he's not doing much of it. I think you should have told him to change the nappies and pointed out that he was supposed to be looking after her while you worked. As for you getting her ready because you knew it would take longer if he did it, well he was supposed to be looking after her so it wouldn't have mattered if it had taken him longer. You should have left him in charge of her and got on with your work.

No it's not just something typical of being a man unless we've gone back to the 1950s.Hmm

Mutt · 06/05/2013 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:26

Yes I'm the default parent. I work from home, he doesn't but is on call from home sometimes. He never has sole care of her unless I'm catching up on work like this weekend. I've had no time to myself since she was born. I mentioned that when he said he was going to play golf, I said I'd like to start swimming on his days off. He said he and dd will come too and we can take it in turns to do laps...!

OP posts:
Mutt · 06/05/2013 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:36

I'm capable because I've had no choice but to be. Even our other kids are getting fed up with it, was trying to do elder daughters hair the other day with baby climbing all over me, dd shouted 'dad will you get off your butt and take the bloody baby??' Oops

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:37

Op

What you need to do is say that you will be working between (example) 9-5 and that you arent to be disturbed then go upstairs and work. Dont ask hin if he wants you to just go and be unavailable. He will then just get on with everything himself. He will have to.

Mutt · 06/05/2013 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:40

If only booyhoo, he would be up 'to say hello' within minutes, or conveniently pacing right at the bottom of the stairs with an upset dd

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 06/05/2013 13:40

When you say "when she woke at 2 he bought her back and I changed, fed her etc. "

You mean he just walked in, handed her to you, you stopped working, changed and fed her while he sat there like a lemon and then he took her away again?!

If he is unconfident about this stuff he needs to do more of it, not less.