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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this IS babysitting rather than parenting?

56 replies

LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 12:48

DP looked after our 11 month old DD at the weekend; I had loads of work to do and as he had the weekend off he said he'd have DD so I could get my work done. On Saturday I got her breakfast, dressed, fed her, played with her, changed her nappy etc. he took her for a walk when she was tired at 11. She had a nap and when she woke at 2 he bought her back and I changed, fed her etc. they stayed for another hour then he went walking again til 6. Yesterday he took her out again twice for several hours but I still did all the feeding, changing etc. AIBU to think that walking with her all day and pretty much boring her to sleep is more like babysitting than parenting? He does say the classic ' I'm glad I could help you' and he's going out to play golf on his next day off to relax as he didn't get to these days off apparently. If I had someone to get baby fed, changed, ready, look after her while I'm in shower, while I eat etc I'd feel very relaxed! He doesn't see it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:41

She is usually very respectful, she was just exasperated which is understandable

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:41

I agree. You have both created this situation. Tbh if you need to work then i think you need to agree designated days where you will be unavailable between 8-6 or 9-5 an that dh will know he is responsible for all child and house stuff on those days meaning even if you need to leave the house for peace and quiet go to library or meet a client then you can without needing to irganise anyone else

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:42

He walked in, handed her to me, she needed breastfeed so fair enough. He makes cup of tea and sits down with paper, dd obviously needs changing so I do it and then make lunch

OP posts:
DoJo · 06/05/2013 13:43

Another thread where, according to some posters, one idiot gets a free pass to treat his family like crap because 'men' can't be expected to handle the responsibility of being a parent or partner. If he's acting like a twat, it's because he's a twat, not because he's genetically incapable of doing simple things like changing a nappy or feeding a baby.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:44

I can't be unavailable though as dd is breastfed and not eating many solids yet

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 06/05/2013 13:44

Popping in to say hello: Don't look up, don't engage, if absolutely necessary say "I'm working, please close the door behind you."

Pacing at bottom of stairs with upset DD - headphones on, door closed, he'll quickly realise you're not going to swoop in and sort it out for him.

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:44

You have to insist on having those hours without interuption. Do you call your dh at work to say hi or bring dd to him to be changed? No because hea working and he gets that tine off from bejng responsible for child stuff. You deserve the same rights as him to be able to work so insist on it!

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:44

It's our fifth child between us, he knows what he should do!

OP posts:
Mutt · 06/05/2013 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:46

Express breast milk. Cone diwn and feed her yourself at lunch but dont do nappies or anything else.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:46

It's difficult at the moment because of the feeding though booyhoo. Have tried ignoring his pacing but he waits til she's really upset then says she needs bf to calm down

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/05/2013 13:48

Because we were going to have lunch, I wasn't going back to work. She won't take ebm in a bottle or cup

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/05/2013 13:48

And you are still allowing him to get away with the little he does!!

Of course, if he is the lazy sod he appears to be, he's not going to argue if you take over.

Either make him get on with it by being unavailable or put up with it.
If you've got five children (how many are 'shared'?) he's learnt he can get away with it. And he does.

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:49

Dd will get used to her dad inly being available. He need to stop pacing at the stairs waiying for you and actually try differeng things to calm her. If he has 5 children and knows what to di then why is this happening?

Xiaoxiong · 06/05/2013 13:50

Ok so you breastfeed her if absolutely necessary and when done put her in his arms saying "she needs changing, I need to keep working!"

He changes her, puts baby in sling and makes lunch for family while you keep working. Or even better, he has made lunch while you are breastfeeding.

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:51

Yes, what xaio said.

Booyhoo · 06/05/2013 13:51

Although tbh i think you'll come back with an excuse why that wont work either

MerylStrop · 06/05/2013 13:51

Go to work at the library. Or at a coffee shop.
Be elsewhere.
Make it firmly known that when you are working you are unavailable.
Tell him the hours that you are working.

Time "off" should be equal. But time off together a priority.

SugarPasteGreyhound · 06/05/2013 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 06/05/2013 13:53

He is babysitting his child and you are parenting him.

I would go and work in the library or at a friends. Have you considered cutting down when your DD breastfeeds. I only BF on wake up and at bedtime at that age. If you cut her milk she will increase her solids if she needs to.

HollyBerryBush · 06/05/2013 13:56

What do you want him to do?

You say you want to work, he is removing the baby from the house so you can work.

I used to pack the bag and the pushchair and dispatch DH and multiple children to the park so I could read in peace (those were the days)

Cloverer · 06/05/2013 14:11

I think you need to be stricter. Breastfeed her and hand her back. If he says she's so upset she needs a breastfeed to calm down tell him no, you fed her an hour ago he needs to calm her down himself.

If he tries to pop up with the baby to visit you, why don't you send them away?

I went back to my uni course when DS was 6 weeks old btw, so DP had to look after him between feeds at the weekends. I would manage to feed him, hand him over and then get a clear 2.5-3 hours work done before DP had to bring him back. At 11 months you should be getting at least 4 hours work between feeds, a quick feed and then another 4 hours!

I would set a timetable for him - you will feed the baby at 8am and hand her over, then you are not to be disturbed for anything less than a life or death situation until lunchtime.

Squitten · 06/05/2013 14:15

It doesn't sounds like you are being very clear in what you want him to do.

On the one hand, you say that you don't want to be disturbed but on the other you have to BF (fair enough), but then you take it upon yourself to change her and have a lunch break so what's the bother? You were there anyway and you changed her. If you had needed to get back to work, you should have finished the feed, handed her back and disappeared until lunch was ready.

flowery · 06/05/2013 14:43

Do I read it correctly that you didn't actually start work until 11 on Saturday? Why didn't you just grab yourself some breakfast then go and get on with your work at 8 or whenever, leaving him to get DD up, get her dressed, get her breakfast, play with her, all those other things except the bf which obviously you need to do.

Sounds like this is 6 of one half a dozen of the other tbh. YAbothBU

McKayz · 06/05/2013 14:46

Xiao has it exactly right.

DD is 10 months and breastfed. I'm a SAHM and DH works away for 2 months at a time. He would be very happy and very capable of looking after DD for a day. She won't take BM or formula from a cup or bottle. But she'd still survive a day.