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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start to dislike my nephew...

41 replies

childof79 · 05/05/2013 23:20

First time I have posted in this section. Will try to be as concise as possible.

My nephew (6 yo) has always been really high energy - running around and very active. As a result he has always been quite rough with my children although with the exception of a couple of occasions has been quite sweet.

Anyway, after today I am seriously wondering if there is something wrong with him. He has been so horrible to my eldest son (not quite 4 yo). Started off with pushing him down a slide in a playground and then blatantly lying when I asked him about it - didn't even say sorry when DS started crying; hitting him over the head repeatedly because he did not know how to stop him jumping on the bed - DS crying again and no apology; blaming him for breaking a vase when I saw them play-fighting. I saw them with cushions. They were both playing but DS missed and threw his cushion into the vase by accident.

DH says I should try to be a bit more sympathetic because he has a hard life (DH's brother practically bringing him up single-handedly) but I just actually don't think this behaviour is normal at all and that I am not unreasonable for wanting to keep a hawk's eye on both of them from now on and banning all playfighting. So AIBU.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 05/05/2013 23:25

Reasonable to dislike his behaviour - really off to dislike your 6 year old nephew as he has some behavioural problems. Should I start to dislike my nephew who is 11 has ADHD and bullies my DS? Fwiw - my nephew wants to be nice to my DS just finds it hard to be. My Dsis working hard on it and lots of therapy (expensive) but its not easy.

TheSecondComing · 05/05/2013 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantreachmytoes · 05/05/2013 23:30

I posted a similar thread but with less extreme examples about my DN a few months ago. It seems that at around this age it's normal for them to lie and be sneaky.

I recently found out that DN is having a tough time at home because his patents are favouring his younger brother. It doesn't change how much I disliked his behaviour, but that combined with the responses on here allowed me to look at it through slightly different glasses.

Original poster
childof79 · 05/05/2013 23:36

My nephew is not responsible for my son's behaviour. We thought they were playing quietly then laughing and then DS hysterical because nephew was hitting him over the head. TheSecondComing not expecting sympathy but I have never seen in any parenting manual that it is correct for a 6 yo to think it appropriate to punish a 4 yo in any way, let alone by hitting him over the head repeatedly.

The way I see it is that they were both responsible for the vase breaking - I had told them to stop fighting and pulled them apart then 2 minutes later there was water and glass all over the floor.

OP posts:
Original poster
childof79 · 05/05/2013 23:38

Forever I think he does want to be nice as well and most of the time he is playing it is a problem of knowing what is appropriate and where the line needs to be drawn. I just felt so angry today.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 05/05/2013 23:38

I think that if you've got a lively 6 year old and a 3 year old, you have to keep an hawk's eye on them. And if you're the adult in the situation, you need to control and discipline appropriately.

If you think he's got behavioural issues, you need to find a way of supporting the family to address that, and disliking the boy himself is not going to be useful in that.

Original poster
childof79 · 05/05/2013 23:46

Mary - I have realised that today. Usually he is a bit calmer and they play quite sweetly together which is why today I thought it would be okay to leave them along for 5 minutes. Logically, I know it is not his fault but I do still feel a bit resentful.

OP posts:
Startail · 05/05/2013 23:51

Your DS did break the vase, he threw the cushion. Corporate responsibility and sharing the blame is not something any six yearold would buy into.

lying rather than saying sorry is also perfectly normal, DD2 was car older than 6 before she was able to admit she was wrong and rationalize that lying was going to get her in worse trouble. Intellectually l'm certain she knew lying was pointless, but she hated being caught in the wrong so much she got in a tizz.

Six seems old and big compared to 4, it isn't. IME toddler logic doesn't wear of until 8 or 9 and when it comes to not being rough with younger DCs, I think boys really take a long time to get it.

Clearly it is unacceptable for DN to hit and push your DS, but I'm not sure it's unusual six yearold behaviour.

kawliga · 05/05/2013 23:53

The bad behaviour needs addressing, but YABVU to dislike or resent a 6 year old who is having a hard life.

Original poster
childof79 · 05/05/2013 23:55

I would have assumed that most children start to grow out of it the toddler behaviour by this age. It is useful to know that it is not entirely unusual

OP posts:
Original poster
childof79 · 05/05/2013 23:57

I shouldn't resent him and I should try to be sympathetic - today it was a real struggle though.

OP posts:
Widowwanky · 06/05/2013 00:00

Its childshish behaviour because gasp, he's a child - he's only two years older than your son. Your son broke a vase !

Startail · 06/05/2013 00:01

Thinking about it, non of us was very fond of my younger cousin at around that age. His little sister (5 years younger) certainty wasn't.

The first sentence I ever heard her say was "Brother's name, Stop it!

He, of course, has grown up into the kindest nicest man you could ever wish to meet.

kawliga · 06/05/2013 00:51

I shouldn't resent him and I should try to be sympathetic - today it was a real struggle though.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. You DON'T have to be sympathetic when a child is misbehaving, it's ok to be very annoyed when children misbehave and then to set them right. We can't be patient all the time, sometimes we can just get really fed up with young children and need some time out (or better still get the kids to have some time out).

But it's NOT ok to be resentful of the child or dislike the child, that's another matter altogether. People are often posting here about how cross they are with their DC but to say you dislike a child is a very strong thing to say imho. Maybe that's what your DH was trying to get at. Children should know that we always love them even though we are sometimes very cross with them because they are behaving badly.

LittleMissLucy · 06/05/2013 01:41

I think as its your home and your younger child at the receiving end its perfectly fine for you to step in with "No thank you we don't allow that here" and " No fighting / no hitting, if you want to stay here and play you will have to do it nicely."

Kids need boundaries and they understand rules.

TheSecondComing · 06/05/2013 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeckOffCup · 06/05/2013 09:59

Banning playfighting is reasonable if the older one is being too rough. Sounds like you need to watch them both more closely but particularly your own child if he is jumping on beds and breaking stuff, that's hardly the nephew's fault is it? Why didn't you enforce the no throwing cushions around and supervise them to make sure they stopped instead of spreading blame around for something your child did?

Freddiemisagreatshag · 06/05/2013 10:02

Its over excited kids,both playing and it gets out of hand. Your nephew is SIX. you can't expect him to behave like an adult and keep your child in line.

Kids mess about. Ashes get broken.

I'd suggest you keep a better eye on them and send them outside to play rough.

Wishiwasanheiress · 06/05/2013 10:08

Sounds like a six year old to me. Surely this is when u start to realise consequences? Ie breaking a vase = telling off? So ill lie to avoid that?

Sure I did that around that age. Dunno means he's potentially sn or anything.....?

I don't think ur bu, just unsure ur right either....

lola88 · 06/05/2013 10:37

Sounds like a 6 year old to me. DN is 6 and spends all her time telling DS (1yr) off taking toys off him and stropping around like a mini teenager. It's quite normal 6 is one of the hard ages they are going through a transitional stage pushing. Pushing your child down the slide isn't nice but he was likely excited and didn't mean it in a nasty way just getting excited. You seen then play fighting you didn't stop them not his fault and I wouldn't blame a child under 4 either YOU should have stopped them you didn't. Bouncing on the bed your nephew shouldn't have tried to stop him not in the right way but I wouldn't get angry I would just explain if Ds is doing something wrong come tell you.

I think making out your nephew to be a bad child when your own is clearly badly behaved and naughty is really unfair. TBH it sounds like you want to blame him for your own child's behaviour if you were blaming me for someone else I would lie too if I was 6. Maybe you should get your own child under control before you start saying nasty things about someone else's.

IF you think there is something wrong with every child who doesn't do what you read in the parenting manuals your in for quite a shock.

Hissy · 06/05/2013 10:43

6 year olds are like this. To the parent of a 4yo they are little hooligans.

You can leave a 6yo alone for a moment and usually it's OK. You can do the same with a 4yo.

for some reason, putting an otherwise cool 6/7 yo with a 4/5yo brings out a monstrous concoction that is enough to turn your hair white in about 30 mins.

My son is 7, my ExBF's son is 5. Together they can be a right handful. My son regresses, and this encourages his to act up...

You have to keep a close eye, to expect them to play nice should be reasonable, but apparently it's not. Grin

mrsjay · 06/05/2013 10:47

He is 6 sometimes 6yr old boys are rough it is normal imo rough play will come to your son too, give it a year or so, If you think your nephew is naughty tell him off why wouldn't you ? yabu to dislike a 6 year old child YANBU to not like the behaviour very much, tell him off guide him to do the right thing but dont hate him . the 2 boys together will cause mayhem

mrsjay · 06/05/2013 10:48

oh and keep them close to you so you can see what they are both doing , the lying is self preservation he knew he shouldnt have pushed but he told a fib to get out of trouble, it isn't rare for a child to do this

mrsjay · 06/05/2013 10:49

boys and girls* sorry I did mean girls too

Original poster
childof79 · 06/05/2013 12:45

Secondcoming I don't think I was implying that my son was an angel. I actually did not realise that 6 year olds still behave in this way as he is the only 6 yo I know. I do accept that I did not realise 6 yo's behave in this way.

The vase I take your point - I had told them to stop but maybe I should have been more forceful. I do see that it was DS' fault but it was the fact that they had continued fighting, and nephew carries on "it was nothing to do with me at all".

However, about the bed and the hitting I don't care what you say - you weren't there to see how much DS was crying and he didn't stop after DS started crying either.

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