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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like an absolute fool and slut???

64 replies

Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:48

I can't believe I'm even posting this.

But here goes.

I met someone on a train back from Scotland. (had gone there for a couple of days) He seemed like a really nice guy and we got chatting on the train. He asked me if I wanted to go for a drink after and I said OK. However, I wanted to drop my luggage off at my place before we went out and I said that to him. He said no problem and volunteered to help me drop my luggage off. Here's where I acted like an absolute idiot. I said OK you can come up to my flat and help me with my stuff.

When we came up we got to talking. He spotted a bottle of wine in my kitchen and it was just rude not to offer him some and so I did. We had some wine, chatted a bit and before I knew it we were kissing. And then we were doing more. When he suggested we get under the covers, I snapped out of it. I was about to have sex with a guy I had just met on a fucking train. I said NO and fortunately he was sweet about it and soon after he left.

I am so mortified that this happened. I am NOT the sort of girl who almost shags a guy she just met on a train.

I feel so naive and silly. What was I thinking when I let him come up? What if he had been a violent rapist? What if he hadn't taken no for an answer?

It's just that my last relationship was 4 years ago and I've just been feeling very lonely lately. :( I don't know what I was thinking.

I feel cheap and disgusted with myself.

I suppose this is more a blog than a question. Anyway, my girlfriends are all out of town at the moment, so if you have any helpful advice please shake some sense into my thick head.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 05/05/2013 00:50

You are NOT a fool or a slut. You have desires just like other women do.

jezebel.com/shockingly-trite-sexist-notions-about-female-desire-ar-484371788

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 00:51
Confused

Erm ... I think you are being very hard on yourself.

You said no.

He was fine with it (like a normal, decent guy).

You have no reason to feel cheap or disgusted with yourself. What you did was nothing wrong.

If you're lonely, maybe that is a more important issue? If you are lonely, and you had had sex with this bloke - and you both wanted to - that would have been fine too. But you didn't, so given you're feeling lonely, maybe you need to think about what you want in life?

Would you like to meet someone, or are you shy about it?

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:51

He gave me a hickey for fucks sakes and I have an interview in two days. I feel utterly pathetic.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 05/05/2013 00:51

You are not a slut.

A bit daft perhaps because as you say you knew nothing about him, but that's all.

There was a thread on chat this week about how long we knew our partners before we had sex -there's an awful lot of us counting in hours, not days or weeks.

So just be careful next time and take care of yourself, but stop beating yourself up!

RhondaJean · 05/05/2013 00:52

Oh, and get some toothpaste on the hickey. Works wonders.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 00:52

Scarf? Layers of makeup over it? It's only a hickey. Not wonderfully professional, I know, but I swear you are noticing it more than anyone else will.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:53

I would like to meet someone very much but I take ages to trust people. I want to be in a relationship but I don't want to take things so fast.

I'm not even sure if I ever want to be with this guy again...

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 05/05/2013 00:54

Don't be too hard on yourself Smile

What happened to you does happen sometimes, I had a similar situation myself once, but it doesn't sound like you're going to make the same mistake again so just take it as lesson learned without any serious trauma.

It can turn nasty, but equally it can be exhilarating and adds spice to life for some people, for me the risk wouldn't be worth any payoff from having a one night stand with a stranger, but I can imagine how it might.

Feeling lonely is horrible and you just mistook lust for love/affection, it's an easy mistake to make.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 00:54

No reason you should be with this guy again.

If you're not feeling certain about it, then likely he isn't quite your type.

Go for someone else. You will find someone. Plenty of blokes will be happy to take the time. It's normal.

Elderflowergranita · 05/05/2013 00:55

Cut yourself some slack .

Yes, it could have had a nasty outcome, BUT IT DIDN'T. Just be very careful in the future to mind yourself.

Softlysoftly · 05/05/2013 00:55

Erm other than the safety angle I see no issue here.

Perhaps I am an aforementioned slut but pre dh (16yrs ago) I would have sex with who I wanted when I wanted where I wanted. I'd do it new If I didn't believe in fidelity!

You seriously need to investigate why you feel "cheap and dirty" for following through natural desires.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:55

Toothpaste? Ok I can do that. I really don't want to show up at the interview with a hickey. This interview is crucial.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 05/05/2013 00:57

FWIW, I met my husband on a train 18 years ago. Grin

All's well that ends well, so don't beat yourself up about what might have happened.

Did you get his number? Wink

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2013 00:57

'I'm not even sure if I ever want to be with this guy again...'

He sounded really nice, but then it wouldn't be a fair measure of how someone was to go on that they didn't sexually assault/rape you.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:58

I don't know why I feel cheap and dirty. Maybe because of my cultural background? I'm half Indian.

In any case, I am the sort of person who takes her career very seriously and I am looking for a long term relationship, not a one night stand.

I honestly don't know what came over me and I'm quite surprised.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 00:58

Btw, you know ... if this had turned nasty, as you're obviously scared it might have - it would not be you to blame.

If someone doesn't listen when you say no, they are to blame. Of course it is natural you want never to be in that situation, I understand that. But you've got to remember that if you had been in that situation - it would be the rapist at fault. Not you. No-one is going to tell you that you are at fault.

I'm just saying this because you seem to be so worried about what people might have thought, using terms like 'slut', and really, this is not something you should worry about. You are not a slut, at all.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:59

Yes I got his number. Before we almost shagged actually. The xchange f numbers happened first.

Speaking of which, any idea what I should say if he calls again??

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:00

Thank you LRD :) I feel a tiny bit better now.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 05/05/2013 01:01

Depends whether or not you want to see him again. What do you feel?

yaimee · 05/05/2013 01:02

Oh please don't feel like that.
It's so easy to get caught up in the moment.
You are not a fool and certainly not a slut.
Give yourself a break.
As soon as you felt uncomfortable you said no and the man was respectful of that.
You should be proud that you were strong enough to do that.
Sleeping with him wouldn't have made you a slut either.
You've done something that you regret. We all do.
You know where your boundaries are and what you are comfortable with and although you could have made a better decision with regards to your personal safety, it doesn't sound like you'll be making the same mistake again.
Just learn from it and move on.
I hope you feel better about the situation soon. Flowers

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:03

No I don't think I want to see him again. Although that may have something to do with how fast things went on tonight....

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 05/05/2013 01:04

Yep, I'm with everyone else on this one. You're fine, you've done nothing wrong. You've surprised yourself, but honestly, you can do or not do anything you want. No more nasty names please!

Machli · 05/05/2013 01:04

I can't see anything wrong here. Except yes, silly to invite him to yours.

I'd have a right spring in my step if this happened to me Grin.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 05/05/2013 01:05

if you liked him, you shoudl check the cinema listings...

i don't understand what you think you did that was wrong, bit unwise to let strange people into your flat right enough but he left and was fine so your instinct that he was nice seems to ahve been correct.

Jinsei · 05/05/2013 01:08

If he calls, I think just be honest with him - tell him that it all moved a bit too fast for you and that it made you feel uncomfortable. There is absolutely no need for you to see him again if you'd prefer not to.

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