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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like an absolute fool and slut???

64 replies

Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 00:48

I can't believe I'm even posting this.

But here goes.

I met someone on a train back from Scotland. (had gone there for a couple of days) He seemed like a really nice guy and we got chatting on the train. He asked me if I wanted to go for a drink after and I said OK. However, I wanted to drop my luggage off at my place before we went out and I said that to him. He said no problem and volunteered to help me drop my luggage off. Here's where I acted like an absolute idiot. I said OK you can come up to my flat and help me with my stuff.

When we came up we got to talking. He spotted a bottle of wine in my kitchen and it was just rude not to offer him some and so I did. We had some wine, chatted a bit and before I knew it we were kissing. And then we were doing more. When he suggested we get under the covers, I snapped out of it. I was about to have sex with a guy I had just met on a fucking train. I said NO and fortunately he was sweet about it and soon after he left.

I am so mortified that this happened. I am NOT the sort of girl who almost shags a guy she just met on a train.

I feel so naive and silly. What was I thinking when I let him come up? What if he had been a violent rapist? What if he hadn't taken no for an answer?

It's just that my last relationship was 4 years ago and I've just been feeling very lonely lately. :( I don't know what I was thinking.

I feel cheap and disgusted with myself.

I suppose this is more a blog than a question. Anyway, my girlfriends are all out of town at the moment, so if you have any helpful advice please shake some sense into my thick head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:10

Security is pretty good in my building. Plus, my neighbours all know me and the walls are pretty thin. I think that's probably why I wasn't that concerned when I let him come up. Besides he told me he wanted to piss Blush

In retrospect I sound like a gullible fool.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 01:10

YY, just tell him honestly that it was a nice evening but, you're sorry to say, it's not your usual style and you felt a bit uncomfortable.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:11

OK. He knows where I live and work... I hope he isn't a creeper.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 01:12

You don't sound remotely gullible.

If anything, you are being retrospectively overly harsh towards this perfectly nice, normal bloke.

You said no. He accepted that.

Yes, all sorts of things could have happened and your neighbours could have been scandalized.

But nothing happened and, poor lad, perhaps he did want to piss!

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2013 01:12

'if you liked him, you shoudl check the cinema listings... '

I was thinking more along the lines of 'if you like him you should google him'

Too stalkerish, or good plain common sense? Grin

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:16

OK now I am laughing. Thanks LDR. Grin He did actually piss so perhaps he wasn't lying after all.

Like I said this may well be cultural. Also my mates aren't around at the moment and so I don't have anyone to even talk to about this :(

OP posts:
LastMangoInParis · 05/05/2013 01:17

A recent thread in Relationships had some similar aspects to this one.
We posted asking the OP is maybe she was lonely, etc. etc.
Then a wise poster pointed out that loneliness didn't really seem to be the main issue. The main issue, said this poster, seemed to be Shock sexual frustration.
Yes, it's true!
An MNer pointed out that women can become sexually frustrated (loneliness, boredom, self esteem, etc notwithstanding) and that can be really a problem. And is nothing to feel 'guilty' or 'ashamed' about.

Kirsten, the only thing you've done wrong is to beat yourself up about being human.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:20

What if he steals something from my house? He's seen where everything is....

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 01:21

There we go! Smile

Don't you worry. Your mates will be back before long, but meantime, you've done nothing wrong, and it's all fine.

mango is very wise. No one is saying you need to rush out and have sex (!), but you certainly don't need to feel bad that you found this bloke attractive enough to think about it. Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 01:23

Oh, come on.

Every time I cross post with you, you're worrying about something else.

Look ... yes, there is a vanishing possibility this perfectly nice-seeming bloke is a secret rapist, a secret thief, or was using the excuse to come and use your loo as a cover for unnamed dark motives.

But he probably isn't.

Honestly.

You've got a lock on the door, right? So lock the door. Put the chain across. And stop worrying.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:23

I was so amazed at what I had done that I actually called my mum and told her. She wasn't very helpful- she thinks I am insane. Wine

OP posts:
MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 05/05/2013 01:25

Oh FGS - in the nicest possible way, Get A Grip. You nearly had sex with a seemingly nice bloke... it's not the end of the world and he's not likely to have been 'casing the joint' Grin

Go to bed, go to sleep - decide tomorrow if you want to see him again or not, but FGS don't base that decision on the fact that you nearly had sex with him. You are a single adult, you are allowed to have sex with other consenting adults.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 05/05/2013 01:26

You called your mother to tell her you nearly had sex with a man??

Really?

That is madder than having sex with a bloke you met on a train Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2013 01:28

I think I am with myhead. Especially the second comment.

bellabelly · 05/05/2013 01:32

Ignoring all the other stuff, this clinique stuff covers everything, am sure your hickey will be invisible - get yourself to a dept store tomorrow!

SavoyCabbage · 05/05/2013 01:42

Chances are he's just an ordinary man. Not a nutter or a coffee table stealer.

You certainly didn't do anything 'wrong'.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 01:44

Yes I called my mother. Now do you believe me when I said I am in shock with my own behaviour?

OP posts:
internalship · 05/05/2013 01:47

Lots of great relationships start with a shag you know... You sound a bit mad and highly strung so maybe he had a lucky escape! Wink

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 05/05/2013 01:50

A HICKEY Shock was he 16!!!!

Sorry, not helpful.

I would worry too much, you did something abit silly and came to your senses. No harm was done and you will be more careful next time. I really would not fret over it. I would be mighty pee'd off about the hickey though Confused

badinage · 05/05/2013 01:53

Ha ha! LastMango that was me on that Relationships thread Grin

This is no biggie. You were just horny that's all.

Do you think this bloke's sitting there worrying about whether he was 'sluttish' or had put himself in danger by going to a stranger's flat?

Is he fuck.....

It's bloody depressing that women feel grateful that a bloke's taken no for an answer but that's not to say I don't understand why it's good advice to be cautious about letting strangers into your home.

Apart from that (and it sounds like you could have raised the alarm if necessary so if the worst had happened, help could have come quickly) this is nothing to worry about at all. Neither would it have been anything to worry about if you'd shagged him.

Don't judge yourself negatively for having a bloody libido and don't judge him for having one either. If you'd like to see him again and you're sure he's single, go right ahead. Maybe do a bit of googling beforehand to make sure what he's told you stacks up (mainly about his single status, really) but if you want to have sex with him or anyone else for that matter, just do it!

And yeah, sure you might be lonely after 4 years but I'd have thought you were also incredibly sexually frustrated which would be the normal state of affairs for a woman who's been sexually active in the past. So don't confuse loneliness with that and go right ahead and embrace your libido!

Darkesteyes · 05/05/2013 01:59
LittleMissLucy · 05/05/2013 02:18

I think you might also be freaking out a bit because the wine is wearing off and that increases anxiety. Not to belittle the situation or your reaction to it.

I wouldn't worry. If he calls, be straight - lovely time was had, etc but you're not up for anything else and thanks for getting in touch....

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 05/05/2013 02:18

I don't think you did anything that bad. I'm not a slut and it wouldn't be impossible for me to do this.

Original poster
Kirsten567 · 05/05/2013 03:00

He was 23. It's insane that he gave me a hickey Angry

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/05/2013 03:33

Gees, reading this, I was a slut/ho/whatever when I was single, which was long enough, in between marriages and single. But thankfully I don't believe in all this 'sluts' and bad girl/boy nonsense when you are single, no kids.

Gah, what's sex between consenting adults? I shagged a guy I met waiting for the no. 25 bus in Prince's Street, and he was the third in . . . I hadn't even been in the bloody country for a fortnight! Gah, let's not even go there, much less what I left at home! I was single with no kids and having some fun!

You don't feel comfortable with it, then don't do it. But for pete's sake don't beat yourself up over it or carry on about sluts! I'd have shagged him rotten and not felt an ounce of mortification.

There's no such thing as a slut. You're single, no kids. Whatever.