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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being petty and silly?

46 replies

madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 12:48

When DP's ex left him she took all the good stuff from the house that she wanted and left him with all the stuff she didn't have use for.

One of those things was a buggy for their DD that she was by then too big for.

DP and I are TTC. This morning we were having a bit of a spring clean and got onto the subject of the buggy. DP wants to keep it for when we have our baby because it was expensive and it's in good condition.

I don't like the thought of using the same buggy that he and his ex used when they had their DD. This would be my first baby and I want all our own stuff, not hand me downs from their old relationship.

He thinks I'm nuts to want to get rid of a perfectly good buggy and can't see the logic in my argument at all.

That's probably because my argument is purely emotional. But AIBU?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 27/04/2013 12:55

Yes your argument is purely emotional. But that doesn't mean that YABU. Your feelings are important.

Can you sell it and put the money towards a new pram?

CloudsAndTrees · 27/04/2013 12:56

YABU. I can understand you wanting a new buggy, but this isn't your partners first child, and it is equally valid for him to want to use the same pram for both his children.

It isn't a memento of their relationship, it's something that belonged to your baby's big sister. Your baby is coming into an existing family, it isn't the start of a new one and you need to get your head around that.

My ex that I share two children with has another child with his new partner. I'd have been very hurt if his new partner had thought that things from her DPs older children weren't good enough for hers. I don't even think ex would have had a child with her if she had had that negative a reaction towards his existing children and their belongings.

mrsjay · 27/04/2013 12:57

yes sell it and put it towards a new pram for when you have your own baby, I do think you are being emotional about it but that is understandable, to him it is a perfectly good buggy to use , but I think I would get rid of it too,

MagratOfStolat · 27/04/2013 12:59

I can completely understand how you'd feel. It wouldn't feel like a part of you and your family, and every time you take baby out in it you'd feel like you're walking someone elses baby.

If he can't understand that, then at least make him understand how unhappy it would make you. I would suggest maybe selling it, and then putting the cash aside to buy your own buggy?

DeepRedBetty · 27/04/2013 12:59

Neither of you are BU. But my immediate instinct, before reading other replies, was to suggest that you sell the buggy and put the money towards another one, new or second hand, that you've had a chance to be involved in choosing. My MIL shot out and bought me a buggy for dtds without fully consulting me in a fit of wild over-excitement, and I always resented the fact that it didn't feel 'mine'.

LimitedEditionLady · 27/04/2013 13:00

No,i understand you.i wouldnt have wanted someone elses pram for mine.i think its nice to go and pick a pram and everyone likes different ones.how exciting is pram shopping,itd be taking a bit of your joy of preparing for your baby away to me.sell it.

wonderstuff · 27/04/2013 13:01

Sell it on eBay and get the pram you want/can afford. Don't think either of you are being particularly U [ sits on fence ]

Original poster
madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 13:03

I mean this is all moot at the moment because I'm not pregnant yet. But I really don't want to use all the same stuff she would've used when she was a loved up new mum with my DP.

I want my own new baby things for when I'm a loved up new mum with my DP.

I don't see it as DSD's stuff not being good enough for my DCs at all.

To me it's symbolic of their starting a family together and being excited together about their new baby and all that stuff that makes me feel jealous if I think about it!

It's bad enough that he's already been there, done that with someone else. I don't want to have to use all the stuff from that time too.

OP posts:
Original poster
madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 13:04

I think I'll convince him to sell it!

OP posts:
DeskPlanner · 27/04/2013 13:04

You are not being silly or petty in the slightest. Sell it as other posters have suggested.

5madthings · 27/04/2013 13:05

Can you sell it or what kind of pushchair is it? You could just get new covers and accessories for it to make it fresh and individual for you?

Original poster
madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 13:07

The mad thing is, I don't even know what make it is or what it looks like! It's been in storage since before I met DP.

Even if I went out and unknowingly bought the exact same make and model, i still wouldn't want that particular one.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/04/2013 13:07

I can understand your perspective, but it really depends on the finances. You would be daft to reject it if money is tight, but if you can splurge on a new item with spare cash, then do it.

Jestrin · 27/04/2013 13:10

For a minute there I thought you were pregnant? But seeing as you are not then it is currently not needed and selling it would be the logical thing to do IMHO.

Original poster
madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 13:12

Yes LimitedEdition that's part of it.

Pram shopping and doing all of that preparation would be a very special process for me. And it would be spoilt by DP going 'oh don't bother getting one of those, I've still got one from last time'. And in my head, evil me will be adding: 'yeah from the other family you already had with another woman.'

Because I am petty and jealous like that Blush.

Selling it is the only answer I think. Glad you don't think I'm BU. DP literally can't see why on earth I'd have a problem with it.

OP posts:
SwishSwoshSwoosh · 27/04/2013 13:13

YANBU, this is an emotional response that is understandable. Sell the pushchair.

CloudsAndTrees · 27/04/2013 13:14

Is it just me that feels really sad for the DP and his daughter on reading this thread?

Looks like it is, but I genuinely don't understand why the OPs over emotional and frankly jealous reaction to a pram is being seen as more worthy than the DPs sensible, rational, normal reaction.

Finola1step · 27/04/2013 13:17

Def sell it and put the money towards a new pram.

I think YANBU. I can understand you wanting a pram of your choice for your baby when the time comes. I wouldn't want to take my first baby out in the pram for baby's first push around the park with DP pushing the very same pram that was used by previous partner. For me it would take away some of the specialness, even if it is a completely irrational thought.

mrsjay · 27/04/2013 13:17

I think she just wants her own pram for her own baby clouds an over emotional reaction maybe but I can understand why she would want to chose her own pram, and not have a cast off , the pram was probably chosen with both parents and then the DP is saying oh it will do for his second child well thats I how i think the op is feeling

CabbageLeaves · 27/04/2013 13:18

I think you should sell it. Your emotions are valid and don't relate to how you feel about your stepchild. This is about you. You're entitled to want something which connects with your pregnancy. I doubt a baby/child has emotional connection to their pram

mrsjay · 27/04/2013 13:19

Partner will be thinking but it is just a pram but it isn't just a pram

WorriedMummy73 · 27/04/2013 13:23

Am I the only one thinking 'it's just a pram?'. I have three dc, bought different prams and buggies at different times for different things. Never got emotionally attached or emotional over any of them. I would have been delighted to have ANYONE buy/give me a pram. It's just STUFF. Pram/cot etc is not an emotional purchase. I really don't understand any of that or anyone who attaches so much to them - all this 'MIL bought my pram and took away my joy' - wtaf? Ultimately, you don't keep the damn things forever, look at them wistfully and remember the happy times.

I couldn't have cared less about buying my first pram - just priced them up, went and got it, put it together.

Get.a.grip.

CloudsAndTrees · 27/04/2013 13:25

I understand that MrsJay, but OP has admitted she is jealous of the fact that her DP has a child already, which pretty much amounts to her being jealous of a child. That's not a healthy positive family set up to bring a new baby into, and I feel very sorry for the little girl that already exists with a step mum who feels this way.

Selling the pram to me just seems horrible.

Once again a thread from a Step Mum on MN has made me feel very thankful for my ex's lovely partner, and even more grateful that my ex is a brilliant dad to our children who wouldn't allow someone with this kind of immature jealousy into their lives.

TheBigJessie · 27/04/2013 13:25

Well, my first reaction was: is this pram one that would suit you or not? It's all pretty hypothetical if it just, for example, doesn't suit your height.

However, I now think that you need to deal with your underlying feelings. Statt. To me it's symbolic of their starting a family together and being excited together about their new baby and all that stuff that makes me feel jealous if I think about it!

I've a very nasty feeling that you're going to start feeling worse about that if you actually have a baby. You can sell everything your partner ever used with your step-daughter, but when you actually conceive, you won't be able to pretend your partner is also a first-timer. Never mind once the baby's here! He will have experienced opinions about high chairs. He will be reminded of his daughters' first few months.

Sort your head out now, before you're all hormonal, sleepless and physically uncomfortable.

LibertineLover · 27/04/2013 13:27

I'd keep it as a spare, you're going to go through a few, and I bet if you get rid you'll end up thinking...Oh wish I had that other one now :)