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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I being petty and silly?

46 replies

madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 12:48

When DP's ex left him she took all the good stuff from the house that she wanted and left him with all the stuff she didn't have use for.

One of those things was a buggy for their DD that she was by then too big for.

DP and I are TTC. This morning we were having a bit of a spring clean and got onto the subject of the buggy. DP wants to keep it for when we have our baby because it was expensive and it's in good condition.

I don't like the thought of using the same buggy that he and his ex used when they had their DD. This would be my first baby and I want all our own stuff, not hand me downs from their old relationship.

He thinks I'm nuts to want to get rid of a perfectly good buggy and can't see the logic in my argument at all.

That's probably because my argument is purely emotional. But AIBU?

OP posts:

mrsjay · 27/04/2013 13:27

when you put it like that clouds then I can see your point , I am not sure if the OP is jealous of the daughter maybe jealous of the previous relationship which I suppose she cant help but really needs to work on,

Original poster

madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 13:35

I don't have any negative feelings towards DSD at all.

The pram, to me, represents the time before DSD existed, when DP and his ex were doing all the exciting preparation for her arrival.

I want to do that with him for our first child, not have his and us ex's cast offs.

It's entirely unconnected to how I feel about DSD.

If anything it's very connected to how I feel about his ex, which is that she's not a very nice person. For lots of reasons I can't be bothered to go into here.

OP posts:

Machli · 27/04/2013 13:46

Well the ex is never a nice person here on MN is she? Certainly not on the Step Parenting boards anyway. All these evil exes running around, wonder if there's any on here ?

Having said that I wouldn't want that buggy either. I'd be a bit annoyed if I had to "persuade" him as well. However it wouldn't really be tied up in jealousy of ex for me, only that I wanted a new buggy of MY choice for my baby. Not one someone else had chosen for their baby, ex or not.

SignoraStronza · 27/04/2013 13:47

YANBU. DH felt the same about the pram I had (that I struggled to fly backv with us when I did the great escape with dc). His official reasoning was that it wasn't suitable for the countryside and that it was badly made French rubbish. I think MIL wanted something to buy for us too. Old pram now lives at my parents' so I don't have to take one on the train/tube when I visit.

I let them get on with it. He chose it and is very pleased with himself. I generally use slings anyway.

Incidentally, I came across a lovely unused photo album the other day and suggested we put some wedding photos into it. He then admitted it was a wedding gift from dry run marriage. It's still getting used though.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 27/04/2013 13:52

I feel the same as you cloudsandtrees and OP I think you are being a bit U about it. But just sell it if it's causing a problem.

TheBigJessie · 27/04/2013 13:56

You may not have any negative feeling towards your step-daughter (FWIW, I believe you), but you want your pregnancy to be exciting, and like a first-born, rather than a second-born "we know what we're doing now" type gestation.

I'm not sure how that's going to work; I think you're going to end up feeling really upset at points. He won't be able to act the same way he would have then. Will you end up focussing on that?

Fleecyslippers · 27/04/2013 13:56

I think you should be worrying about slightly more than a pram. You attitude does not bode well for the future. This bit in particular is awful. You need to address your issues before you even start THINKING about TTC.

'yeah from the other family you already had with another woman.'

Because I am petty and jealous like that blush.'

MortifiedAdams · 27/04/2013 13:58

Tbh, I never wanted a second hand pram for my first. Second will use the pram I have but its the one I chose - in those last few months when it gets exciting and tiring and emotional.

It wouldnt matter to me who used the pram before; I would say no.

CloudsAndTrees · 27/04/2013 14:04

I don't believe that you can feel that way about a pram yet not have any negative feelings at all towards the child it was bought for.

Even if it is about the time before she was born, why would you prefer to erase that from existence. It happened. It is still part of your DPs experience of being a parent, and if he doesn't want to get rid of it, he shouldn't have to.

It would be a lovely thing for your baby and her sister to share. It could be something that actually helped your DSD bond with the new baby because its nice for children to know that the things that they once used are being passed onto their baby brother or sister now that they are bigger. But you haven't even considered that, all you care about is what you want for your baby. Your baby will get a lot more out of a sister that isn't pushed aside than it will out of a new pram.

I find that very sad for your DP and his little girl.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 27/04/2013 15:13

If you have plenty of spare cash then I don't see a problem with getting a new pram otherwise I would get the pram out the loft and, if its a good pram, I would give it a good wash and would reuse it.

You can't change the past and it doesn't mean ANYTHING if you use the pram for your baby. The pram was previously used by your (future) babies sister! I would use it and spend the money on something else.

quesadilla · 27/04/2013 15:14

I am going to go against the grain here and say you are being a bit U. I can sort of understand your queasiness about it but I think unless money is absolutely no issue I think it's a bit spoilt to turn down a perfectly good functioning pram. If its really that big a deal to you sell it as others have suggested and put the money towards a new one. But to expect a whole fresh set of baby kit unsullied by evidence your dp had a previous partner and child strikes me as a bit controlling. You are not going to be able to avoid the fact your DP had a kid with someone else before you in your day to day life so why fixate on this object?

wigglesrock · 27/04/2013 15:21

I thought I could see your point, in fact I can sort of but unless I've read it wrong - you are living in the same house that you're partner shared with his ex partner ?

Surely a pram is small potatoes compared to that?

wigglesrock · 27/04/2013 15:22

your partner not you're don't want to be talked about

Original poster

madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 15:45

Wiggles yes I am. And I'm not crazy about it either. But he bought it himself and she never paid anything towards it so it doesn't seem like 'hers' in the same way IYSWIM?

DP and I have since redecorated extensively and nearly everything in the house now is 'ours'.

Cloudsandtress, you really don't need to feel sorry for my DP and DSD. I love them both entirely. Not really sure why you equate my wanting a new pram for my first baby with my 'pushing my DSD aside'. Feels like a bit of a stretch to me. But you seem to be enjoying feeling that way judging by how often you've posted about it. So don't let me spoil your supercilious buzz.

FWIW, DSD won't even remember the pram or give a singular shit about it.

OP posts:

havingamadmoment · 27/04/2013 15:52

I can actually understand. Not from the point of view of the having a step daughter but when I had dc1 we were students and everything we had was given to us by a family member who had a slightly older daughter ,I was happy to have it of course but at the same time it was never mine, it was always someone else's choice and it just didn't feel right. When I was about 39 weeks my grandmother came to visit and saw the things we had then said "come on let's go buy something nice". She bought me a pram it wasn't a big expensive one but it was so lovely that my baby was te first to use it.

GlassofRose · 27/04/2013 15:57

I can see why you want a new pram. It's nothing about being jealous of your partners Ex or even begrudging that he already has a child. It's because you don't want to be robbed of the fact that it is your first baby. Yes, he already has a child, he's done all that fun stuff before, but you haven't and you want to. There's no shame in that!

zukiecat · 27/04/2013 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

madonnawhore · 27/04/2013 16:05

Lol at the plastic bouquet offer.

Yeah right, why not ring your STBDH's exW and ask her if you can borrow her dress too?!

OP posts:

lordleofric · 27/04/2013 18:14

Even without the added complication of the ex, YANBU.

I hated putting DS2 in baby clothes handed down from DS1. There is nothing wrong with wanting your PFB to have everything new imo.

Longdistance · 27/04/2013 18:17

Yes, I agree with you. Sell it and get a nice new one, or leave it to rust, and get your own.

I wouldn't want it either.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/04/2013 21:18

YANBU. My MIL bought our pram which meant she had a ridiculous amount of input 'helping' us choose it.

We ended up with a thing that was no doubt very comfy for DD but like a bloody tank to manoeuvre/fold/lift and cost more than my first car ! By the time DD was 15 months she was either walking or in a £50 stroller from Halford's.

DD is 9 this year and thinking about all that still gives me the rage .

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