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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not celebrate my 40th?

27 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 15/04/2013 17:18

I will be 40 in September. Im indifferent to my age, i really don't care.

I was pregnant but had a miscarriage. The baby would have been due just before my birthday so i had been using that as an excuse not to hold a party or anything else in all honesty!

I hate being the centre of attention. I don't drink or socialise much normally so parties & nights out are not my sort of thing. I don't have many close friends.

The problem is my dc 23 &21, are determined i should have a party. They mean well. Am i just being a miserable old bag&should have a party for the dc sakes?

Any suggestions for a better way to celebrate, gratefully recieved!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 15/04/2013 17:21

I wouldn't have one, but I'm quite anti social

On the other hand DH has just had the longest 50th on record and announced "well it is my birthday year" - there appear to be yet more festivities this weekend!

eye rolls

fromparistoberlin · 15/04/2013 17:22

me too! but summer

I am so sorry for your loss

I am having lots of small parties, ie

1 x family meal
1 x meal with friend A
1 x meal with friend B

who not do smaller treats?

ISeeNoReasonForBandage · 15/04/2013 17:24

Gah! You are a couple of weeks younger than me, so if you want my, more mature advice-, how about a compromise of dinner with DC's and partners on the day? Therefore you are acknowledging this momentous occasion without all the palaver?

ExcuseTypos · 15/04/2013 17:24

YANBU

I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby and I can understand why you wouldn't want to think about a celebration around the time your baby would have been due.

I found out a few months before my 40th that there was nothing else the drs could do to help my lovely dad fight his cancer, so I didn't want to celebrate either. I ended up having a nice meal, just with close family. It was enough at the time, I really couldn't contemplate anything else.

Just tell you dc why you aren't up for a celebration. If they don't understand after that you'll just have to be blunt and tell them "No!"

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/04/2013 17:33

I completely understand. My life fell apart in April last year H told me he was having an affair drawn out and pain process followed and he eventually left in July. I was 40 in the September and to be frank I felt I had nothing to celebrate so I didn't.
Be honest you feel you have nothing to celebrate and don't want to. Everyone accepted my decision except OW (though not to me) probably as it crushed her imagined world where everyone was tickity boo with what happened.

MaxPepsi · 15/04/2013 17:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

Is there anything particular you like doing?

eg - walking - and have a nice picnic somewhere?

bowling? I always fancy bowling but never do it curry? and your DC could decorate the table?

A small gathering at your house with nibbles and bubbles to mark it?

A murder mystery evening??

dothraki · 15/04/2013 17:44

Max - dc are 21 and 23 I'm sure they could do more than decorate the table
Do what you want Shelley and I hope you enjoy it.

Molehillmountain · 15/04/2013 17:47

My fortieth this year too-definitely no party but I intend to have many, many treats! I'm so sorry for your loss-I had mc around my birthday time one year and I postponed celebrating until I felt like it and then just did drinks and nice meal with no reason officially attached.

MaxPepsi · 15/04/2013 17:47

I'm sure they could doth

But the OP doesn't want a fuss yet they want to make a fuss of her.

Having a few balloons, a banner and some fizz on the table and getting a cake with a sparkler might be the ideal compromise for them.

shewhowines · 15/04/2013 17:51

A nice weekend away with your Dc's? Then a special meal with a few extras will mark the occasion, whilst everybody benefits by having a short holiday.

HepzibahFlurge · 15/04/2013 17:52

yanbu - i didn't have a party for my 40th,Family kept telling me that I should but I got more and more stressed out. So we decided to do our own thing

DH got me tickets to see my favourite comedian (just me and DH)
We also went away as a family(Me, DH and DS) to london for the weekend. We went to the Tower of London and London Dungeon (I had never been to either). Saw the Wizard of Oz and had some lovely meals out
Finally I went to see Wicked with a group of friends

Loved all my celebrations

It was dh's turn last year so we went to Stratford for the weekend, had a meal and saw the tempest at the RSC and stayed at a mega posh hotel. Like me he didn't want a party
Really enjoyed our celebrations which were totally stress free

adeucalione · 15/04/2013 17:53

I have marked all big birthdays by buggering off somewhere for a long weekend - take who you want with you, avoid fuss and get persistent party-arrangers off your back because you are 'doing something'.

If your DC have got to this age without knowing that you hate fuss then you have been too polite up to know - my family all know I would rather cut an arm off than host a party.

FreudiansSlipper · 15/04/2013 17:55

yanbu

friends/family drove me mad going on about it for me turning 40 was nothing special and for you it is going to bring up other feelings too :(

I told everyone I was taking ds away switched my phone off had a nice lunch just ds and I and went to the park was pleased when the day was over

be honest with what you want they do mean well but tell them you would prefer a nice meal out and that is it nothing else

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 15/04/2013 17:57

I think the issue is i don't really want or can't be bothered to organise meals, meet ups etc.

Family that don't talk to each other. Young dcs that need a babysitter. Dp shifts... I would be celebrating my birthday for other people.

Normally i would but i really feel like i can't be arsed in all honesty& do what i want- nothing!

I just can't work out if Im being miserable or justified, as its my birthday after all!

I know my sister considers me odd for not going out but i really don't want to. I went out in the evening a bit when i met dp, 14 years ago but that's it.

Does everyone else go out on a regular basis? Am i the odd ball for not going out & being an anti social old moo?

OP posts:

MrsMillions · 15/04/2013 18:01

If your elder DCs are so insistent you celebrate somehow, how about they babysit the younger DCs so you and your DP can do something together to mark the occasion?

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 15/04/2013 18:04

Very good idea Mrs Millions!

OP posts:

tripecity · 15/04/2013 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Typicallytypical · 15/04/2013 18:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt
similar about my big birthday. I was deep in the throes of depression and anxiety. I succumbed to pressure:. "you have to do something, it's your FORTIETH.." I spent money and hours planning, prepping and chasing people up. I spent the whole of the party meeting and greeting. By the time everyone had arrived I was excited a ready to relax and enjoy it people started leaving. Honestly I didn't get to spend any time with any of my guest. My oldest friends left early, dh is a neat freak and had tidied most gifts and cards so I didn't know who to thank for what and hadn't had a chance to open things in front of people.
And breathe.
Anyway my point is... It could be fun if that's your thing. Personally I hate parties and most of all I hate hosting them. I feel under immense pressure and it's no fun at all.
Hope you make the right decision for you.

zoobaby · 15/04/2013 18:36

It's really quite simple maths tripe.

crushedintherush · 15/04/2013 18:41

Sorry to hear about your baby shelly >

Do what you feel is right

DeepRedBetty · 15/04/2013 18:48

I've never felt like celebrating so called 'milestone' birthdays, I knew it would end up like Typicallytypical's experience.

I've come to a system whereby I have a low-key dinner with family for the one that has a zero at the end, and the next year, having got used to the idea of being 30 something and then 40 something, I have a very informal but ma-hoosive piss-up.

Original poster

Shellywelly1973 · 15/04/2013 22:56

Tripe!! In RL outside of my family & best friend no one knows how old i am ( they will after September as Ds4 is obsessed with birthdays!)

I was 16 &18 when i had my older 2dc. I grew up quickly & although i looked very young people presumed i was older. I was still being asked for I.D in my mid twenties.

I avoid telling people my age but because of the older dcs age people always presume i now must be in my mid forties & i don't correct them. I often get told i look good for my age but they don't realise how young i am. I look 50 lately, its been a tough few months...

My younger dc are 11, 8 & 4. So an average aged parent now.

OP posts:

Runwayqueen · 15/04/2013 23:02

Very sorry to for your loss x

YANBU at all. My 30th is fast approaching and much to the horror of my friends I have decided not to do anything significant. I'll be flying to Spain for a week to see stbxh parents with dd, and whilst there I'll turn 30. Bliss, because they won't remember it's my birthday.

When I get back I may go for a spot of karaoke with some of my girlfriends, but that's it. I won't be drinking at all because of a current medical condition either.

Do what you are comfortable doing!

Jenny70 · 15/04/2013 23:06

I didn't celebrate my 40th, my dc and dh went on an overseas holiday - and the day itself it was well into the afternoon before dh remembered!

If you can't do an overseas trip, maybe a special weekend, theatre tickets or something will satisfy idle curiosity from friends that the occasion is not being overlooked.

It's your bday, milestone or not, plan something that will make you smile - especially as your thoughts will be on other parallel universes when the mc didn't happen...

ArtemisKelda · 16/04/2013 23:53

Mine is a few weeks before yours Shelly, I don't want to do anything either. I'm just not interested at all. YANBU

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