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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my friend being unreasonable or am I?

37 replies

CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 17:58

So I saw my friend last night for dinner and a couple of drinks, during the middle of the conversation she said to me -

"I wish you would play a bigger part in my DD's life. I wish all my close friends did"

I wasn't really sure how to respond. I love my friend and I love her daughter and see them both once every 2 weeks.

Whilst I think it's lovely that she wants me to be a big part of her DD's life ... It's just I have my own life to live and don't feel I should have to spend the majority of my spare time visiting them.

Am I being unreasonable and just basically a shitty friend?

(DD is 9 months now and my friend is still with her partner)

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 07/04/2013 18:00

Maybe she would like you to have a relationship with her DD independent of yours and hers? Taking her out maybe?

Or maybe she is lonely and would like to see more of you?

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/04/2013 18:02

She might just feel that she's a bit out of the loop now she's had the baby?

She's not being unreasonable,perhaps slightly too high expectations but you aren't being unreasonable either.

BreasticlesNTesticles · 07/04/2013 18:03

Does she have any close family close by?

My friend was a bit like this and I saw her every week! But although she was with her dp and had parents close by no one else was interested in her dc really Sad and she wanted me to be. Which I was, but couldn't commit to more than once a week.

Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:06

Same Breasticles she has her DP and both of her parents - she doesn't have any siblings though.

I do try and see her as much as I can it's just .... with work, relationships, other friends, having time just to myself. I only really have time to see her once every 2 weeks.

I just felt so bad.

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 07/04/2013 18:08

Did you ask her to be specific? What does she actually mean by that? What would she like you to do (actual examples)?

Tommy · 07/04/2013 18:10

I think once a fortnight shows real commitment!
Although, to be fair to your friend, I think it is easy to forget when you have a baby and your friends don't that they have different priorities than you.
Maybe she would like you to babysit occasionally or something?

badguider · 07/04/2013 18:10

At 9mo that seems a bit odd... she isn't old enough to form relationships independent of her parents really... why not ask your friend what she means, and think about whether you'd be happy to take her out without your friend when she's a bit older.

Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:12

She's a stay at home mum too, so I guess that can get very lonely at times.

I think she meant that she wanted me to spend more time with them and she wanted her other close friends to do that too.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 07/04/2013 18:14

Do you have children OP? Does she work - or is she going back?

If not, I wonder if she's missing her previous life?

Maybe she's feeling down at the moment? I think it hit me about 6 - 9 months down the line. I remember having a huge identity crisis and feeling really low. It was a massive adjustment.

Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:14

I don't think she means me to look after her DD independently from her or babysit, she is very much one of those mums who would probably only be comfortable with her mum looking after her and then only for a couple of hours.

Which is completely fine, it was a very rare night out last night too.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 07/04/2013 18:14

But in answer to your question, and FWIW, I don't think you are being a shit friend. Smile

Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:17

I don't have children myself - we were planning to start trying a few months back but going to wait a little longer now.

I remember when I was younger and living at home and my mum would look after my nephew (who at the time was only 6 months) and she would always come over then and be really excited.

When the first woman in our friendship had a baby, she would visit her at least once a week, talk about the baby a lot.

I think she has just always very much wanted to be a mum, and perhaps finds it a little sad that friends don't take as much interest in her DD as she would have hoped for.

OP posts:
DoJo · 07/04/2013 18:27

Could it be that she wants her daughter to feel comfortable going to you etc for a cuddle without crying for her mum? I know at that age they often have a little clingy phase and it's easy to think that it's because they don't 'know' the person holding them, but actually they do it with everyone regardless (my son did it with my husband briefly which was a bit hard to take, but soon passed).

When my son was that age my mum went through a phase of thinking that she didn't see enough of him because he wouldn't happily go to her without constantly looking around for me or my husband, but it was just a short term thing whilst he was working out who was who in his life. Maybe she is feeling as though she needs to really forge her daughter's relationships with the people who she wants to be important to her at the moment, but I really think every 2 weeks is fine. My son doesn't see his grandparents that often and i certainly expect them to play a huge role in his life regardless!

On a more practical note, could you maybe skype her for half an hour or some in between visits so that she feels as though her daughter recognises you? It might make her feel better, babies love moving lights and you will be able to fit it in when it's convenient without having to sacrifice your other commitments to keep up with her.

KansasCityOctopus · 07/04/2013 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2013 18:34

I think she sounds lonely. Does she go to any toddler groups? She would make friends there who are at the same stage in their lives as she is. I know I thought you couldn't go to a toddler group until they could toddle! and when my health visitor suggested it when my baby was small I was amazed and didn't think they'd let me in.

Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:34

there is nothing more fucking lonely and soul destroying than your friends suddenly fucking off on you just because you've had kids.

I do make the time for your though.

It's just everyone has their own life and own stresses and problems.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 07/04/2013 18:39

i actually think once every two weeks is pretty lame, esp if you claim to be close friends.

how close do you live? is really that much of a trouble to pop in for a cuppa, to go out for lunch?

i would be houndered that she wants you to be a part of her child's life, of course you dont have to, but i think this is where she is coming from, she wants her children to know her friends and be comfortable around them.

i have small friendship group, and we treat each others children the same as our own. like an extended family kind of. i know thats not every ones cup of tree but its the only explanation i can think of for what your friend has asked.

its also possible shes feeling very lonely, maybe even depressed and this is her trying to reach out? if you cant meet up more maybe phone call midweek would be helpful?

Xmasbaby11 · 07/04/2013 18:39

I think it's very open of her to say it, and I wouldn't take it as a criticism. At times I have wondered if my friends would like me to be more involved in their DC's lives and I would take it as a compliment if they did. Definitely a talking point between you and her, if you are keen.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/04/2013 18:40

Having said that, at 9mo I guess she just means she wants you to talk about the baby more rather than do anything with her!

olivertheoctopus · 07/04/2013 18:43

I don't really get it. What does she want you to do? If you see them every 2 weeks anyway that's pretty regular in my book. Do you work/have kids of your own?

Viviennemary · 07/04/2013 18:46

I think she must just be lonely. And might mean she wants to see you more than once every two weeks. Which isn't that unreasonable. But she needs to make other friends. I wouldn't take it as a criticism.

Holycowiloveyoureyes · 07/04/2013 18:48

You do sound like you make an effort with her.

I have friends who show no interest whatsoever in my children and it really hurts to be honest.

She's probably very lonely, staying at home with a baby can be soul destroying.

maddening · 07/04/2013 18:51

Well it's nice that she greatly values you as a friend :)

Don't feel obligated to lavish time but maybe appreciate that you have a good friend there and if there is an occasion you could include her then give her a shout.

Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:52

i actually think once every two weeks is pretty lame, esp if you claim to be close friends.

That's a bit as you don't even know my circumstances.

I work as a midwife so I'm not working the normal 9-5, and when I'm off in the day it's because I've done a nightshift and so I'm catching up on sleep.

I'm also studying again which takes up a lot of time.

I have to make time for my partner too. I already mentioned that we had to hold back trying for children because our lifestyle.

I also have other close friends which I enjoy spending time with. So if we do arrange a dinner then she usually can't come.

Also I probably wouldn't see her on the weekend because her partner is there and they would probably want to spend time as a family.

So no unfortunately even though I try hard I can't just drop everything in my life to see my friend more often.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 18:54

Which isn't that unreasonable. But she needs to make other friends. I wouldn't take it as a criticism.

She does have other friends. In our circles of friends there are 6 of us.

One works abroad for 3/4 of the year. One faded from the group a lot and then when she had a baby we never saw her so it's very rare we see her now.

Another one works shifts like me, so probably sees her as much as I do.

The other sees her a lot and one just isn't at all interested sadly.

OP posts:
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