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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my friend being unreasonable or am I?

37 replies

CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 17:58

So I saw my friend last night for dinner and a couple of drinks, during the middle of the conversation she said to me -

"I wish you would play a bigger part in my DD's life. I wish all my close friends did"

I wasn't really sure how to respond. I love my friend and I love her daughter and see them both once every 2 weeks.

Whilst I think it's lovely that she wants me to be a big part of her DD's life ... It's just I have my own life to live and don't feel I should have to spend the majority of my spare time visiting them.

Am I being unreasonable and just basically a shitty friend?

(DD is 9 months now and my friend is still with her partner)

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 07/04/2013 18:56

Your friend sound a little too needy to me, personally, I'd find that irritating. If you are feeling guilty, you are probably a much nicer person than me!

Sometimes it takes new parents a bit of time to realise that as lovely as their children may be, other people's children just aren't that interesting.

Mumsyblouse · 07/04/2013 18:57

I don't think every two weeks is a bit lame, presumably the OP has a job, a relationship and other friends, as well as hobbies. This is ridiculous, unless they live next door! Unfortunately, once you have children of your own, this time will be squeezed further. I think your friend would like more friends/time with old friends/meet new people, but you are already being a good friend and shouldn't be guilted into more than you can offer, especially as it can be really hard to make time once you have your own family.

gabsid · 07/04/2013 18:59

Did you ask her what she meant by what she said? Her DD is 9 months old? What sort of relationship are you supposed to have with a baby? Or did she mean in future?

Your friends statement doesn't really make sense to me.

wonderingsoul · 07/04/2013 19:04

your right i dont, and as youv just put. i can see you do have a very busy lifestyle, and it not all ways possible to see each other weekly, but i still think you could do more, even if its just a phone call or asking if she wanted to do something at the weekend for an hour or two?

Original poster

CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 19:04

Thanks everyone - some really lovely comments.

gabsid she means spending more time with her (not as in taking her out and babysitting) - just being a big part of her life in that she knows you really well.

OP posts:

ohforfoxsake · 07/04/2013 19:05

I think she's just getting her head above water, her DD is becoming more independent and she could be thinking 'is this it? What next?'

My money is on her being lonely and misplaced. Best thing she can do is get herself out there an meet other mums with babies the same age. You and she are just in different places at the mo.

It's happened to me and many of my friends. I love then dearly but don't see them very often. When I do it's like it was just last week.

She is being needy, but maybe she needs you at the mo?

Iamsparklyknickers · 07/04/2013 19:07

It's a tricky one, unless you have the time spare it's really hard to maintain a friendship when parameters are been forced, well it is for me anyway.

I have a similar situation with a friend at the moment and I swing from feeling horribly guilty to resentful of having a guilt trip put on me. I work full time (am out the house 7.30 to 7.30 most days), have my own family caring commitments as well as DP's, have all the normal household chores, health issues etc. normal life really. To be blunt adding in the responsibility for fixing someone elses feelings of isolation isn't really something I have the inclination to take on as my fault. I've made suggestions for groups and stuff that happens during the week days but it's all met with glumness - I don't really see what I can do other than accept that what I can offer as a friendship isn't what that person needs or wants at the moment.

That's not to say I don't value my friendships or make time for people, it's just not all-consuming or as frequent as it used to be when we were all in the same situation of being able to meet up/go out spur of the moment. That's not anyones fault, it's just a case of being at different points in our lives, and while I can and do offer support - it's limited, and being truthful I resent being made out to be an arsehole whilst at the same time having more of my time demanded....

I get that having young children/babies is a tough time, but I'm beginning to think that friendships drift off not because of the actual situation, but because of the UR expectations of people to co-ordinate their situations to someone elses new timetable.

It sucks the enjoyment out of a friendship imho.

gabsid · 07/04/2013 19:13

I think the focus of her life is different to your's now, so catching up every 2 weeks seems fine to me.

Is your friend going to baby groups and meeting other mums? Maybe she feels a bit isolated and hasn't found a new circle of friends yet?

golemmings · 07/04/2013 19:15

I get where you are both coming from.

Fwiw I have friends with whom I would like my children to have an ongoing relationship. I am an only child and DH has a brother who lives 5hrs drive away and I would love my children to have more adults in their lives - kind of like aunts and uncles. The friends I love most I see as extended family and would love them to feel the same and I would like my children to love them and feel comfortable around them and vice versa.

Dcs are 1 and 3. I don't expect my friends to do anything at this stage but it would be lovely if, as they grow up my children know them well, and feel loved by them that they could talk to them and maybe in the future share activities. I'd mostly just like them to be a constant in my dc's lives - although it sounds as though you already are for your friend's dd.

Original poster

CharlMascara · 07/04/2013 20:16

phone call or asking if she wanted to do something at the weekend for an hour or two?

I do phone her and I text her most days. I mostly text as she herself might be busy with the baby.

She is always invited if we go out as a group.

Thing is she is more interested in me spending time with her DD. I love her DD, and I'm enjoying her grow up and in my texts I always ask about her.

I bought her a Christmas and Christening present, and I will of course buy her a birthday present probably until she turns 18.

But I just don't think this is good enough for my friend as she wants me and everyone else to spend frequent time with her DD.

OP posts:

formicaqueen · 07/04/2013 21:14

Wonder if mum feels a bit isolated? Maybe its about her more then the baby?

Take it as a compliment anyway, she obviously thinks a lot of you and her other friends.

formicaqueen · 07/04/2013 21:14

I think you will have more time for each other anyway, when you are a mum too.

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