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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset?

36 replies

A1980 · 31/03/2013 11:05

I was helping my mum clean up her house and put things away.

As I put clothes away in her drawers, she had stuff in a plastic bag that didn't feel like clothes in there so I took it out.

Imagine my surprise to look in there and find life long mementos of my sisters life. Old birthday cards and Christmas cards she'd given mum, primary school, secondary school work and even an essay from college or uni. Lots of little photos of her as a teenager, and stuff from her wedding.

I looked in all her drawers and there wasn't anything for me. I don't even think there are any old cards or school work of mine when I was that young, none of it was kept. My stuff from graduation is mine, she didn't ask for anything from it. Similarly my essays and work from college / uni she couldn't care less about, it was stuffed in the garage and I was told to take it or chuck it out.

What the Hell is this about. I'm actually very upset about it. I haven't said anything yo.mum about it.

OP posts:
beeny · 31/03/2013 11:07

I really dont get it.Can you ask her ?

BruthasTortoise · 31/03/2013 11:13

I'm sorry you feel bad but it was a real invasion of privacy to go through your mum's personal possessions. How does your mum treat you normally? Have you been treated equally with your sister? Because if you have surely that means more than a plastic bag of mementos.

cookielove · 31/03/2013 11:19

Ask her?

OxfordBags · 31/03/2013 11:23

Now, it's only stuff from when you were an adult (college/uni) that was put in the garage or given back to you, wasn't it? So it is entirely possible that she has a similar hoard of stuff from your childhood somewhere that you haven't looked.

I mean, I hope so. You need to ask her. I understand why you're upset though.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/03/2013 11:27

My mum looks through my stuff and always has. She takes my things and knows better than I do where things are.

My sister has always been a walking problems case and has a vile temper. She is estranged from both mum and me because if her behaviour.

No we haven't always been treated equally ...my sister got everything growing up. Birthdays she always got taken out to a show and I got nothing.

At 21, my sister demanded and got tickets to a very expensive show, expensive watch, a new sound system a huge cake and her bf was invited over on another day to have a separate celebration. I was came home from uni and got presents for my sister too.

At my 21st I didn't want to come home from uni as my sister will spoil everything, she always does when its me. I was told to get the Hell home and spend my birthday with them as my mum said it was her day and not mine. I got home to nothing. No plans to take me out and not even any decent food or a meal planned. no show, nothing. My sister walked off out with her bf later fir drinks as she didn't want to stay with me.

At my graduation later that year, my mum stood and watched me empty my bank account knowing I didst have a job, paying for an outfit, my robes, my photographs, the lunch and my even made me buy her a new dress and shoes as she was going for me after all.

It just brought all those memories back seeing that stuff.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 31/03/2013 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/03/2013 11:32

I don't care about her privacy she has never once respected mine.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 31/03/2013 11:33

Cross post, but I still stand by what I just wrote.

Really, for your own inner peace, I would do all you can to forget previous arguments and perceived slights and move on with your life. the best revenge is to live your life well after all.

HKat · 31/03/2013 11:33

Could it just be the case that she keeps stuff in different places? So there could well be a bag of your momentoes elsewhere in the house....

DolomitesDonkey · 31/03/2013 11:37

You need to "move beyond" this whether it's learning to ignore or whether you disengage entirely from the situation until you've figured it out.

If you're close enough that you rifle through her house then you're STILL giving her power to hurt you.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/03/2013 11:43

No there isn't. I still live here looking after her. I took her everywhere and last year spent a fortune taking her toothed Olympics so she didn't miss it. My sister does Fuck all for her.

My mum shouts and swears at me all day ad nothing I do is ever good enough.

There is nothing in my room, the lounge or the basement I know as I'm in those rooms all the time. she only keeps stuff private in her bedroom.

OP posts:
Dawndonna · 31/03/2013 11:49

Sorry, it's time you found somewhere to go. Move out and move away from this very toxic relationship.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/03/2013 11:53

I would if I could afford it

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 31/03/2013 11:56

Honestly the problem here isn't the bag of mementos, even if your mother had kept every piece of paper you had ever scribbled on it wouldn't make her any less toxic. Take some time, formulate a plan, start saving and do yourself a massive favour and leave.

Rindercella · 31/03/2013 11:57

You must find a way. It's obviously upsetting you very much and is most probably damaging you. The sooner you can put some physical distance between you, the sooner you can start to emotionally detatch.

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2013 12:05

You really need to move out for your own sanity I think. How about going back to where you lived at uni? If you can't afford it clain housing benefit.

OxfordBags · 31/03/2013 13:43

It sounds like on some level you are there because you are desperate to make her love you. Or, love you, the way you want her to love you, and love you equally with your sister. But it's not going to happen, and it certainly won't happen whilst you actually keep enabling her to treat you this way (living with her, helping her, paying for her, etc., etc.). It really does sound like your family had a classic Golden Child-Black Sheep dynamic going on, with your sister being the GC and you being the BS. It's shitty and unfair but you won't change her. The only person you can change is yourself. DolomitesDonkey is right that you need to move beyond and disengage from her.

This situation is about a helluva lot more than a bag of mementoes. I would strongly urge you to see your GP about sorting out therapy for you, so that you can begin to take back your own power and start to come to terms with the reality. It's not fair how she treats you, but you cannot make it fair but waiting and wishing and doing stuff to try to encourage her to change. You will waste your life waiting for something that is never going to happen, just because of the terrible overwhelming feeling of -totally understandable - injustice.

CamillaMacaulay1 · 31/03/2013 13:59

A1980 - poor you, that must have been very hurtful.

Have you look at the Stately Homes thread in 'relationships'? Your mum sounds like she shows classic signs of toxic behaviour from what you say. Also there is a book called 'Toxic Parents' which explains the patterns of behaviour these people have.

I have toxic parents but I have, through counseling, managed to stop getting caught in the trap of driving myself mad asking WHY they behave the way that they do and letting them make me a player, caught in their ridiculous disputes and grudges. I have come to the understanding that my parents are not peeople who behave rationally about anything. I have stopped bothering to argue with them or understand them or try to make them understand me. I have not cut them out, but they cannot hurt me as much as they used to because I have redifined the boundaries in our relationships and although I cannot change them, I have been able to change my own responses.

CamillaMacaulay1 · 31/03/2013 14:01

I totally agree you have to try to move out. I had to live with my parents for a while when I was ill. It was utter hell and they were very cruel and made me worse. My doctor was very frustrated that I was living with them.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/03/2013 14:08

I just had a very upsetting break up with someone about 2.5 months ago. I thought we had a future together and I would.be able.to leave home.

I have hit the deck with depression very badly and she was ok to.start with but she's been.screaming at me.telling me.it was all my fault, I.fucking.blew it and no wonder.he dumped me......

OP posts:
starfield · 31/03/2013 14:48

I think you need to leave. Is there a retreat centre that might offer you a week's thinking space? Might be worth getting in touch, perhaps telling them what you've said here.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/03/2013 20:31

I'll have to leave....she'll find out eventually that the school project cards essay and wedding pics are in pieces at the bottom of the bin.... oops. heat of the moment.

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 31/03/2013 22:00

A1980, it must have been a horrible shock to find those things, and a reminder of the way you've been treated. It's not fair.

I agree with Starfield's advice about getting away for a few days. Do you have any friends you can stay with, if a retreat isn't your thing?

Big hugs OP and Flowers

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread in Relationships? There are a few poeple on MN with toxic parents and it's a wonderful place to vent and get advice and support.

Rindercella · 31/03/2013 23:14

You put your sister's wedding pictures in the bin? Seriously? I know this isn't a particularly helpful comment for you, but that is a shockingly bad thing to do.

I really hope you come through this and have a relationship with your mother that is healthy for both of you - whatever the extent of that relationship might be.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 31/03/2013 23:20

I feel really sad for you, a horrid shock. It sounds as tho this has always been a toxic relationship. I am so sorry. It is not you, it is your mum's issue, but it is younha gets hurt by it. Can you seek counselling?

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