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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect other mums to be on time

30 replies

tired999 · 27/03/2013 10:48

I have a 20 and a 2 month old. Whenever I'm meeting other mums I try to be on time. As I don't drive this often means waking up one or the other child or getting up very early. I am getting very tired of other people texting me (or sometimes not contacting me) saying they'll me late as they don't want to wake their child (even if they have a very small baby).

Sorry for the whinge but it seems to happen 75% of the time!

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 27/03/2013 10:53

Well not everyone wants to wake a sleeping baby - my two get very grouchy if they haven't had enough sleep. Although tbh I would generally put them in a pram for a nap if I was going to be meeting someone soon anyway. So kind of get where you are coming from, but its not really that big a deal if someone is a few minutes late for a coffee or a playdate is it?

CloudsAndTrees · 27/03/2013 10:53

YABU. I loved my baby and toddler days where meeting with other Mums were flexible and changeable right up until the last minute. It was a nice, easy way to be, when everyone understood and no one got annoyed because your baby decided to poo right before you left the house making you late.

I always found people that got stressed about someone being a little late for a coffee in someone else's house were generally uptight.

TobyLerone · 27/03/2013 10:54

YANBU to whinge about this happening, but there's not a lot you can do.

You always try to be on time. For other people, their baby's sleep is more important. You can't influence what they do.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 27/03/2013 10:58

I have never understood this either - it used to annoy me when I was a child minder and had 3 children under 2 in my care (including my own baby) and always managed to be where I had said I would be when I said I would (barring emergencies/ last minute dirty nappies, but those only create 10 minute delays not long delays). I had a lovely group of 8 friends, all of whom, like me, had only one small child of their own at the time, and for all the others they only had their own child to sort out. Only 2 of the 7 others reliably managed to get anywhere on time when we planned to meet up. The worst one would almost invariably call or text at the planned meeting time to say her daughter had just fallen asleep, and would turn up an hour and a half late thinking that was fine. It is fine if meeting at home I guess, but she'd often leave us in a quandary if we were meeting at an attraction etc. Funnily enough she worked 3 days a week and had no problem getting to work on time ... Confused

Now I have 3 kids of my own and I find the same thing, often other mums will think its fine to put you to quite considerable inconvenience being avoidably late, or cancelling after the time you planned to meet, because their child is tired or grumpy or they don't want to wake them. Cancelling is fine if done before others would reasonably be expected to have left the house, but getting in touch to say you'll be more than half an hour late at or after the time you are meant to meet with a weak excuse like the child is looking tired is infuriating. Broken down cars and other unavoidable reasons that occur at the last minute are different of course.

Original poster
tired999 · 27/03/2013 10:58

Am not talking about minutes but over an hour by which time one of my children is whinging because they haven't slept or are hungry. I understand I can't do anything about it just wanted an anonymous whinge!

OP posts:
MumfordandDaughter · 27/03/2013 10:59

I used to be one of those people! On reflection, my friends (childless) were saints to put up with me.

At the time, i thought my daughter was the most important thing in the world and everyone should arrange their schedules around her.

I'd often turn up half an hour late for meetings/visits.

"I know i was supposed to be here at 11am, but dd was sleeping."
"I know it's a lunch to celebrate your promotion, but my dd sleeps at that time and then eats right away. Can't you change the table booking?"
"Sorry, you've been standing in the rain waiting on us? Well, i waited in on it stopping. DD doesn't like the rain or her rain covers."

I think some people - like me - believe they are being perfectly rational at the time, especially if it's their first child.

The more you complain about it, the more that person will prioritise their dc, and think you are being completely unreasonable.

stargirl1701 · 27/03/2013 11:02

Well my child barely sleeps. She is 6 months old. She slept for 1 hour in the afternoon and 4 hours last night. I would never wake her. I have to take what I get when I get it.

YABU.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 27/03/2013 11:06

My 2 year old doesn't sleep either stargirl, he hasn't slept through a full night yet, he's slept for 6 hour stretches 5 times in the last 23 months, usually he wakes every 2 hours. He sleeps for 45 mins in the day. Doesn't stop me taking and picking my older children up from school on time, or taking them to playdates, doesn't mean I feel I should inconvenience everyone else by being late. I think it probably is a PFB thing for 80% of people...

HarrietSchulenberg · 27/03/2013 11:14

I can't see how you'd have much fun meeting up with a friend when you have a tired/hungry/grumpy baby. My children have always been bloody horrible when woken early or have gone without sleep so I'd much rather be a bit late or rearrange a meet up than have to spend the entire time trying to calm them down.
Doesn't apply to school pick ups or other unavoidable times. On those occasions they've just had to be foul tempered but it's just not fair to expect everyone else to fit in with your social arrangements.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 27/03/2013 11:18

Harriet surely people have some idea when their child is likely to be tired/ hungry when they make the arrangements in the first place, and common sense dictates avoiding making social arrangements at a time your child is likely to be tired/ napping/ hungry. I'm not a big routine fan but I still know my children's natural patterns, its not very complicated to not make arrangements at times which are unlikely to work...

Original poster
tired999 · 27/03/2013 11:26

Not sure how I am expecting people to fit in with my social arrangements if the other person has suggested the time and meeting place (usually to fit around their child's sleeping pattern)! I'm not talking about group meetings btw.

I don't complain to the people involved which is why I decided to have a bit of a moan now while I wait for someone who's still not told me when they'll arrive (over an hour late already) but are still coming. At least I'm at home!

OP posts:
Tailtwister · 27/03/2013 11:26

The problem is that everyone has different routines and it's impossible to fit in with them all. Some children will only sleep in their own cots and not in a pushchair for example, or need to sleep at a particular time.

EssexGurl · 27/03/2013 11:31

Oh I used to hate this too. Not too bad if meeting at a coffee shop, say. But when it was someone's house and they said 3pm I would turn around at/just after 3 then sit around like a lemon waiting for others to arrive while host got her kids/self ready. Best one was 2pm coffee when I had to leave at 3 for school run and 2 out of 3 friends were running late so didn't get to see them.
Now avoid hose meet ups where possible as never know when to arrive!

My mum was always late collecting me from school /clubs etc so I think it is an in built reaction to that!

HarrietSchulenberg · 27/03/2013 11:31

Only a vague indication, MrTumble. Unfortunately my children refused to run by clockwork and I'd rather they slept when they were tired rather than because it was xo'clock. Granted it made meeting up with friends more hit and miss but I tended to invite people to mine anyway. If were going out then I would cancel if dses fell asleep. They were really horrible if woken too early or missed a sleep (they still are - youngest is now 5, eldest is 12 and middle one is 10) and it just wasn't worth taking them out in those moods.

Tired - I have always been very good about ringing to tell the other person what's going on. I've never just left them hanging about waiting for us. That's just rude.

Kikithecat · 27/03/2013 11:35

Absolutely YANBU. I've found the people who are always late because of the baby are usually the ones who are late before and after they have small children too.

stargirl1701 · 27/03/2013 11:35

Well Mr Tumbles I am barely surviving tbh. I didn't manage to get showered and dressed till 7pm. I find the 10-12 daily screaming sessions really tough. When DD finally collapses with exhaustion for an hour so do I. I actually couldn't give a shit what other people think about me being late. I am barely surviving. I can't drive anymore because I am so tired. I am really struggling to cope with a baby who sleeps 6 hours in any 24 hour period.

stargirl1701 · 27/03/2013 11:36

See I can't even type without errors.

stargirl1701 · 27/03/2013 11:37

It's only been 5 hours of continuous screaming today and already I feel like I am going to run away.

stargirl1701 · 27/03/2013 12:13

Do you know, I do care. I had no idea I'd be getting judged for this. I thought other mums would understand. They seem to, on the face of it.

I guess it's just another way if which I am a crap failure as a mum. I can't get my baby to stop screaming, I can't get her to sleep, I can't get to anything on time, I can 't remember anything. I just exist, from one moment to the next.

I used to be Miss Super Organised. I was a bloody good teacher. Always on time. Always ready. Always planned. Always prepared.

Well maybe the mums I meet every Friday don't feel like this. I hope not. I look forward to seeing them. I look forward to a hot cup of tea while someone holds my screaming baby for a wee while. Not really sure what the alternative is tbh. If I stop going I will lose that support.

ChairmanWow · 27/03/2013 12:13

I'd say 15-20 mins is okay - I've been there with the last minute poo situation (DS, not me!), but anything over is taking the piss. I know a couple of people who were like this even when their babies were tiny and would sleep anywhere. One even cancelled while I was sat there in the cafe waiting because she couldn't put her 8 week old into his car seat as it was making him cry. Definitely a case of PFB.

If you're meeting someone who is persistently late then why don't you just turn up late as well?

eavesdropping · 27/03/2013 12:20

YANBU. I have always managed to meet people on time since having DD...I don't see it as any different as managing to be on time pre-baby, except I now allow extra time for her too.

janey223 · 27/03/2013 12:23

My DS is 15m and the grumpiest baby for the rest of the day if he's woken up!

I try to schedule everything around his nap and get him to sleep in his pram if we need to go out during it but he hates going to sleep in his pram in the house and gets very upset or wakes straight back up and needs to go into bed so yes, sometimes I'm late because he's sleeping!

Needing to eat is rubbish though, DS has his lunch in his pram all the time (it has the stains to prove it) or i wouldn't get out the house till 3 o'clock!

firawla · 27/03/2013 12:24

OP Yanbu - if its a one off emergency then fine but constantly being like this is very inconsiderate of others

BreatheandFlyAway · 27/03/2013 12:36

Stargirl I had similar with my dd. The screaming, regular as clockwork, drove me to despair and looking back I think I also had PND (bloody understandably so!) It did pass and she became an excellent sleeper later on (in fact after some cranial osteopathy, though that may have been coincidence).

Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and deeply sympathise, also wanted to offer hope for the very near future Smile.

I can't remember feeling pissed off with baby group friends who were late/didn't turn up btw - as long as it was a group, one less or more was pretty standard each week.

wanderingcloud · 27/03/2013 13:04

OP I guess YANBU but stargirls post kind of sums up why some people are finding it difficult.

Stargirl my DS was similar, the crying was so difficult to cope with. It is NOT your fault! Try crysis www.cry-sis.org.uk/ for some advice and also www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

I found just reading that I wasn't alone and that DS was in his own way "normal" helped a lot.

Fwiw he did eventually stop screaming and refusing to sleep and now is an excellent sleeper at 15months.