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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step-mum feeling a little sad today! aibu?

102 replies

Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:08

I don't know if step-mum's generally get any recognition today, just a card or a text would be nice I guess, my DSD is 15 and we have a great relationship this is my first mothers day officially as a step-mum since DH and I got married last year. For fathers day I took DSD shopping and bought gifts for her for both my husband and her stepdad, just feel like I am the only one getting left out here, a little acknowledgement would mean the world. am i being over-sensitive and un-reasonable?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/03/2013 12:12

yanbu.. I never get anything for mothers day.... am feeling particularly sorry for myself at the moment as my stepson sent flowers to his mother and both his grandmothers..

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2013 12:12

As much as I can understand how you might be feeling...

Mother's Day isn't always easy for kids whose parents have separated.

In fact it can be a big reminder for them and wishing their step parent a 'Happy Mother's/Father's Day' can sometimes open a few wounds.

ENormaSnob · 10/03/2013 12:13

Does dsd live with you?

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/03/2013 12:13

I think you are to be honest assuming your DSD has a mother. Then surely she will have got her a card and gifts.

If the mother isn't around and you do all the 'mothering' then you're not being unreasonable.

Tricksy.

IceBergJam · 10/03/2013 12:15

My DH taught my stepsons to think of me. Not because I am their mum, but for 50% of their year I perform the role of a parent. They agree.

At their mums today so no idea if they will remember this evening! They do thank me for lifts , dinners all year round though

HeathRobinson · 10/03/2013 12:16

It's possible that dsd will come to realise this on her own.
Meanwhile here are some Flowers for having a great relationship with her.

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:19

DSD is with us 3 nights a week, we get on very well, her parents split up when she was a baby and her mum has been re-married for a few years. She is close to all four of us, parents and step parents and we all get on well so no issues there. DSD cant remember her parents being together but says herself she is glad they aren't, both great parents just wouldnt be good together. As I said last fathers day I took DSD shopping and got a lovely gift for DH and a nice token gift and card for her step-dad so I am the only one feeling left out.

OP posts:
VBisme · 10/03/2013 12:20

I know how you feel, but as a stepmum myself I know that the kids have a hard enough time remembering to thank their own mum, never mind including me.
DH however always makes a big fuss of me on Mother's Day, to let me know that he appreciates me.

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:21

ice-berg, you are right, she is a great girl, I love her and she does appreciate me, enjoy spending time just the two of us, just having a little whinge today, wanted to hear from other step-parents

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 10/03/2013 12:21

But fluffy you're not her mother and that's probably why she just didn't think of getting you something.

But I do understand why you feel sad.

OrangeLily · 10/03/2013 12:24

You should make a new day. A random day in October or something. A friend does this with a stepDC and it works well for them.

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/03/2013 12:24

Saying that I send my step-father a card etc on father's day but then my father isn't around. But if he was I think I would perhaps feel a bit guilty doing that - could that be the case with your DSD?

She probably doesn't get her step-father anything on father's day either.

NewAtThisMalarky · 10/03/2013 12:24

Will it make you feel better if I tell you I've had nothing from my kids at all?

To be honest though, I'm happy with that as I'm not really into these overhyped commercial 'days'.

Every day is mothers day, as I'm a mother every day. And a hug and a thanks and a smile are so much more than a naff card will ever be.

And I don't have to wait a year for that!

Areyoumadorisitme · 10/03/2013 12:26

YANBU - I can understand why you feel sad, particularly as she lives with you half the time. I would think it just hasn't occurred to her, as you are not biologically mum.

I have known DSDs for 18 years now, they are now 22 and 24,but I have never had any recognition of my role in their lives. They haven't lived with us but I have had a close relationship with both as they've grown up. It would have been nice but it doesn't bother me to be honest. I can see why it bothers you though, it is a really tricky balance. Thinking of you Smile

CloudsAndTrees · 10/03/2013 12:26

I think you are being over sensitive. You aren't her Mum, there is no need for her to recognise you on Mother's Day. She only has one Mum and that Mum deserves to be special today, not just one of two.

Nishky · 10/03/2013 12:28

You sound lovely though- helping her buy her Father's Day presents- I'm sure she does appreciate you!

ethansmummy2012 · 10/03/2013 12:30

My DSS never acknowledged me on Mothers Day and it did upset me because before I had my baby (who's one today). Being a "real" mummy now I don't mind so much. Although it did hurt. Happy Mothers Day anyway. Smile Smile xx

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:33

as i mentioned, she did get her step dad things for fathers day and clouds and trees, of course she only has one mother but as mentioned, i do split all the caring, lifts, cooking, costs for dsd with her father, mother and step father, there are cards out there for step parents specifically too

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/03/2013 12:35

As I said last fathers day I took DSD shopping and got a lovely gift for DH and a nice token gift and card for her step-dad so I am the only one feeling left out.

Perhaps that's part of the problem?

She would have been 14 last year and well old enough buy and give gifts from herself.

If she's never done these things independently, it could be why she hasn't got you a card?

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:36

Thanks for the supportive posts, cheered me up x

OP posts:
Iamsparklyknickers · 10/03/2013 12:39

How long did you know her before you married?

I just wonder if at 15 she hasn't realised that the subtle shift with all the legalities of marriage means you consider your step-mother title as something so important to you? She may just think it's business as usual.

I think it's fabulous you have a good relationship with her, and I bet there'll be many moments in the future where she makes you completely melt when she does things that show you how much you mean to her.

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:39

yes Worra, I think I do try to make sure everything is sorted, probably down to DH, to be fair teenagers too tend to be pretty self-orientated :-)

OP posts:
INeverSaidThat · 10/03/2013 12:41

I can see where you are coming from but 15 year olds are not the most thoughtful creatures, even the nice ones. I wouldnt worry about it too much (although you are allowed a little moan) Smile.

How about jokingly telling her that Step Mum Day is next week?

It is lovely to hear of step families where things work out well and you sound like a lovely person.

Have some Thanks Thanks and even a little Wine

Vinomcstephens · 10/03/2013 12:44

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I always send my step mother a card on mothers day - she's been my step mum well over 20 years and is part of my life so it wouldn't occur to me not to! My mum gets a card and flowers and she's the one I call if I'm not with her on the day but I like to acknowledge my step mum being part of my family too. I did this from a very early age but when I was very young my dad "prompted" me so I guess that's maybe something that should come from your DH?

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:45

Ineversaidthat - thanks, you are right, at 15 I definitely didn't think of anyone else, luckily my DSD is much nicer than I was at her age.

OP posts:
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