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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step-mum feeling a little sad today! aibu?

102 replies

Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:08

I don't know if step-mum's generally get any recognition today, just a card or a text would be nice I guess, my DSD is 15 and we have a great relationship this is my first mothers day officially as a step-mum since DH and I got married last year. For fathers day I took DSD shopping and bought gifts for her for both my husband and her stepdad, just feel like I am the only one getting left out here, a little acknowledgement would mean the world. am i being over-sensitive and un-reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 12:47

Well, I am off to celebrate with my mum, happy mothers day to you all, mums and step-mum's alike x

OP posts:
MoreSnowPlease · 10/03/2013 12:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

sneezingwakesthebaby · 10/03/2013 12:57

I think it may be easily explainable. It took me a long time to feel ready to get my stepdad a Father's Day card as I felt so guilty getting one like it meant I loved my dad less (who is very much around and active in my life). It took a while for me to realise that loving my stepdad didnt mean I loved my dad any less. She might feel comfortable getting her stepdad a card and not you quite yet because it might make her feel like she's betraying her mum to get you one and it might be a step too far for her right now. It might be easier with the stepdad/dad card situation because she might not have had as high a level of guilt around it.

YANBU though because it must hurt. I wouldn't make an issue of it with her though (not suggesting you would though!) because if someone had suggested I got stepdad a card before I was ready to make that step I would have felt so pressured and confused. I was a teenager too back then.

TroublesomeEx · 10/03/2013 13:13

I can understand how you feel. I'm not a step mum. But it's about having the relationship you have recognised.

But I think worra might have a point, especially where the stepmum was involved in the breakdown of the marriage. It's a tough position to be in as a child (even when you're an adult) and sending a card to the stepmother would almost being like saying you don't mind/are happy that it happened. When children generally aren't, even when it might appear to be a much better situation for all concerned.

It would never have occurred to me to send my dad's wife a card.

Original poster
Fluffydeville · 10/03/2013 13:20

folkgirl, just to clarify, I got together with DH when he had been divorced 10 years. DSD may well feel some guilt if she got me something, I don't know, but she is very used to having her step-father and I in her life. Of course I would never say anythng to her, she is pretty sensitive and would be very upset if she thought she had upset me, hence just having a whinge on here

OP posts:
popsgran · 10/03/2013 13:20

Its quite understandable to feel a bit neglected.Probably they didnt think,kids dont do they?My SD and SS dont even send me a birthday card although the SS did remark on this and ask my birthday date but I never got a card.They are adults so no excuse.Nowt as queer as folk as my old granny said.Just had a sweet txt from GS saying although I am not his mum I deserve some praise .somebody love me !

AmberLeaf · 10/03/2013 13:21

That must be hard.

I sent my step Mum a card from me and one from my boys [who call her Granma] this year and have done for a few years now.

She has been in my life since I was little, but I didn't feel comfortable sending her a card [and so didn't] until I was older, I think the first time I did was when Id had my first child and sent one from him and me.

My Dad even asked me to a few times, but I just couldn't, it felt like I would be betraying my Mum.

Hope you enjoy your day with your Mum and happy Mothers day Flowers

teacherandguideleader · 10/03/2013 13:22

I am not a step mum, but have been a step daughter. Initially, my step mum and I got on ok, but I would never have bought her a card or gift on Mother's day. To me, even as a 10 year old it felt like a betrayal. My dad had betrayed my mum (not with my then step mum) and I felt that buying my step mum a card was a similar betrayal. As time went on I hated my step mum (she was vile to me - emotional abuse) so there was no way I was going to get her a card.

If we had have got on well, I think I would have felt really awkward about buying a card. She would never have been my mother.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 10/03/2013 13:23

I'm a stepmum but feeling quite the opposite.

My SD is a lovely little girl and I'm very fond of her, but I do not want a Mothers Day card or gift from her. Today is about me and my own children and something I do not wish to share with her as she has her own mum to spend the day with.

That may seem harsh, and as much as my DP wants to buy me a card from her I just don't want it.

Nishky · 10/03/2013 13:23

I have a mil and a step- mil, a fil and a step fil. I have always treated them exactly the same as the grandparents of my children- I hope my children grow up to do the same.

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2013 13:27

I'd be furious if my children bought their step mother a card for Mother's Day. It wouldn't even occur to them, luckily.

OP, I'm sorry as I'm sure you're really good to your SC but she's not your child.

I do think, if you're really good to her, you should get some acknowledgement and thanks for that from your husband.

IceBergJam · 10/03/2013 13:36

I treat all my stepfamily as equals to my blood family. So step grand parents, father, sister, niece, nephew, sons. To me,it is about appreciating and respecting those you love. In turn, the stepfamily does the same. So fathers day, mothers day, weddings etc all treated equal.

I think its a great way to live. A great way to teach children . I could possibley see why others may feel sensitive about it, however my daughter will be brought up to appreciate all who love her.

Regarding your dsd age, probably just an age issue. It what teens are like. Dont take it personally.

whois · 10/03/2013 13:36

Wow, I think this thread more than any has reconfirmed my thoughts that I would never get with a man who has kids. Opening yourself up to a whole world of pain.

"She's not your daughter"
"She only has one mum and that's not you"

Wow. Fuck that. So a step mum is supposed to treat husbands kids the same as any she might have, pay towards their care, run around after them, love them, but fuck that nasty cow if she dares to feel like she's doing a 'mum' role.

apachepony · 10/03/2013 13:40

Yanbu. My dsd is with us this Mother's Day as her mum is working and she wrote a lovely message on my card - it became a joint card from her and my baby! It is really lovely to have a little mark of appreciation, mum or stepmum!

Bonsoir · 10/03/2013 13:40

Relax and don't get hung up on the small things.

I would never expect anything from my stepsons for Mother's Day (it's on a different day here in France anyway). But yesterday, when DSS1 arrived from a week at his mother's house (when I hadn't seen him), he didn't see my lying on the sofa and, after a quick kiss walked around the apartment looking for me and saying to his father "But where's Bonsoir, where is she, where is she?". His need to see me is more important than any flowers or presents!

user12785 · 10/03/2013 13:43

My mum would have been really upset if I'd sent anything to my stepmum. In fact she still would now. Perhaps your dsd is treading the same tricky path. (Which is horrible for children).

Pickles101 · 10/03/2013 13:46

Happy Mothers Day Thanks

My (young) stepson hasn't got me anything but I'm ok with it - he still feels nervous around me and it's slightly different because his mother passed away.

I don't think YABU and I'm secretly hoping my DSS feels confident next year to sign a card or something. I'm sure your DSD will wise up soon Smile

twentythirteen · 10/03/2013 13:49

I think we all have a choice who we call mother and father but my personal decision has been to keep those titles for my parents. I show my parents' spouses that I appreciate them in other ways. Perhaps your DSD will too when she's older.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 10/03/2013 13:55

On my first Mother's Day 2 years ago I received a card and a couple of little gifts from my son; nothing from SD as for one I didn't want anything from her and for two I am not her mum. What I found very strange and a bit annoying was when SD's mum dropped SD off at ours and she saw the card, read it and asked why I haven't got one off SD. I wasn't in at the time and this is what my DP told me. I was peeved as Mother's Day is not about my SD and me it is about me and my children.

QuickLookBusy · 10/03/2013 13:56

I had a mum and a step mum and I always got both a card and present. I hated doing it when i was younger, it didn't feel right as I used to think "you're not really my mum".

Now that I'm older I realise my step mum did so much more for me than my "real mum". I lived with her and my dad since I was 5, and I really appreciate her since I had my own dc. However it took me until my 20s to realise that. So don't take it too personally Fluffy, she's just a teenager!

DeskPlanner · 10/03/2013 13:57

whois has it spot on, in my opinion. And YANBU op.

twentythirteen · 10/03/2013 13:58

I never expected my parent's spouses to do anything Whois.

MissAnnersley · 10/03/2013 14:00

YANBU.

DS phoned his SM this morning to wish her Happy Mother's Day at my prompting. She does loads for him and it should be acknowledged.

He knows that she is not his mum but he also knows how lucky he is to have another adult in his life who loves him as much as she does. To me, that's the important thing.

twofaceshenanigans · 10/03/2013 14:01

whois I was just thinking the exact same thing, my DC they treat both their Step mum and step dad as they do myself and their dad. After all both step parents support them financially and emotionally. I would be furious if they didn't want to get their step mum a card and present today.

TroublesomeEx · 10/03/2013 14:04

fluffy Sorry. Didn't mean it to read as though you'd been the OW Blush. I didn't read/assume that at all, I was just thinking about my own circumstances.

FWIW, I think it would be a nice thing to happen, I can just understand why some children in some situations might not. I reread my post and it does sound as though I was making certain assumptions/assertions, but I wasn't Smile

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