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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think babies can't be spoilt?

65 replies

Softlysoftly · 28/02/2013 15:18

Just that really. Should have stayed out of it but just got involved in a conversation about putting babies in/on something most of the time so they don't get "spoilt" by being cuddled.

AIBU that cuddling a baby won't ruin them for life.

We are talking weeks old btw not once sitting/crawling

OP posts:

PulyaSochsup · 28/02/2013 15:19

YADNBU

Goldmandra · 28/02/2013 15:23

Cuddles don't spoil babies of any age. Quite the opposite. They need them.

YANBU

OooohShiny · 28/02/2013 15:27

I remember the midwife who came out to visit me telling me it was impossible to spoil a baby with cuddles when I told her that my SIL told me dc was 'wiley' at 2 weeks old!!

Actually - I remember on day 3 in the hospital one of the midwives telling me not to sit with dc in my arms too long or I'd make a rod for my own back

countrykitten · 28/02/2013 15:29

Cuddles should be in unlimited supply for everyone of every age. When I am in charge this will be in my manifesto!

applepieinthesky · 28/02/2013 15:30

YANBU you can't give a baby too many cuddles and they're not small for very long.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 28/02/2013 15:31

I remember when DS was about 4 weeks old, up until now I hadn't bonded at all and then one night he fell asleep and I just sat holding him while he slept for 2 hours, he had no problems lying in his cot to sleep, I just wanted to watch him and admire this cute little bundle of lovelyness.

Later that night I was told that if I keep doing that I will never be able to put him down, "rod for your own back". :(

They apologised though as they realised it had upset me and that my baby was completely different to how theirs was.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 28/02/2013 15:32

Shiny Snap!

Onlyconnect · 28/02/2013 15:32

I agree that cuddles shoud not be limited. However they do get used to it and might want to be put dwn afterwards. I wouldn't call it 'spoilt' but I think that is what hapened with my DD. no regrets though.

leonardofquirm · 28/02/2013 15:34

YANBU at all.

One of my pet hates is folk going on about how "oh that baby knows what they want/has you wrapped round their finger/you can't pick them up every time they cry" etc

Why not eh? Grr.

KenAdams · 28/02/2013 15:55

YANBU. I totally agree with the Fourth Trimester Theory

Loie159 · 28/02/2013 15:55

YANBU - you cant "spoli" a baby by giving it cuddles.... but maybe what they mean is that then small babies and children can get used to always being held and rocked to sleep etc? So if you hold them constantly for 4 weeks and then in week 5 were to decide you wanted them to be ok lying on their mat / in moses basket on their own, it might be hard / they would cry as they arent used to it. Its not a very nice way to say it though... spoiling .... as it does imply ruined forever! I know people who have always rocked their DC to sleep, one of them was totally happy to do this even with a 3 yo, the other found it really tough once DC was about 8 months old but then DC would cry and cry if not rocked. So maybe the phrases means more like this, rather than meant in a nasty, critical way?

Onlyconnect · 28/02/2013 15:59

Of course I mean 'might not want to be put down afterwards'

Cooroo · 28/02/2013 16:29

YANBU, absolutely. Used to annoy me when people said 'Is she good?' Of course she was good. How the fuck can a baby be anything else? They don't have malice.

At 16, maybe she has her moments...

CalpolInMyEar · 28/02/2013 16:49

When my DS was nine weeks old we were away with a group of people. DS had colic and reflux and was very hard to settle. After watching me struggle with him for over an hour and then sitting down with him in a sling for a cup of coffee someone told me he was very manipulative and already knew how to get his own way. I was destroyed by sleep deprivation so I just stared at him until he walked away but wish I'd had the gumption to tell him to fuck off.

We worked hard to teach him to self settle later on and have even resorted to CC at times, but when they're tiny they just need somebody to cuddle them, and I think the parents need it too, I know I certainly did!

WillYouDoTheFandango · 28/02/2013 17:05

I gently suggested a woman on the ward next to me pick her endlessly crying baby up and cuddle him when we were both on the postnatal ward the night my baby was born. Hers was 18 hours old. She explained she would but she wanted him to learn to self-settle. I looked at her like this and said please cuddle him he's too little. He stopped the instant she picked him up.

I cuddled mine all day every day, he now at 10 weeks has decided he won't sleep on you and has to be put down to sleep. Babies are unpredictable at best.

What a dick Calpol unless your baby is an evil genius and he was onto him

Fairypants · 28/02/2013 17:13

When dd1 was 10 days I want with my dm to visit her friend. I was really nervous as it was almost the first time id left the house with her. Dm's friend said dd had me wrapped round her little finger because I fed on demand - a 10 day old!!!
I felt so sorry for her kids after that!

mrsstewpot · 28/02/2013 17:28

YANBU. Another snap with shiny here.

Neonatal nurse told me not to cuddle DS for too long and used the whole 'rod for own back' pish. And this was whilst in the low dependency room in SCBU and my first opportunity to care for him as normal without him being in an incubator.

In my hormonal, shattered state I did as I was told, however my Mum was with me and challenged her, saying, I think stewpot just feels like she has some catching up to do. I had been told to care for DS as though he was at home with me and cuddling sessions would have been exactly that.

Still feel mad looking back that as a vulnerable new first time Mum who had her baby whisked away at birth, dealing with being separated and a poorly LO, was told I had been cuddling too much and am sure she was just concerned DS wouldn't settle on his own once I'd gone home at night time.

NC78 · 28/02/2013 17:49

YANBU I hate the idea that affection spoils a baby.

MurderOfGoths · 28/02/2013 18:46

YANBU at all! I hate this idea that you should ration your affection! Why? Just why??

mummywithnosleep · 28/02/2013 18:48

YADNBU babies can not be spoilt.

People say the stupidist rubbish I have ever heard.

Babies want to be loved and hugged, and cuddled.

MrsKoala · 28/02/2013 19:09

I have been told that my baby is the smiliest, most contented baby people have ever met, that their babies cried for no reason and wouldn't go to anyone but them. Then in the next breath the person has said I am making a rod for my own back, my baby is 'artful' cheers mum and wrapping me round his finger because I 'spoil' him, they point out they never picked up and cuddled their babies on demand like I do. Hmmmmm I always wonder if they've spotted the correlation with cuddles and contentment, but think not. Sad really.

My mum and dad say don't cuddle him just because he wants it, leave him to cry. Yeah, that'll really teach that tiny bastard won't it when did child rearing become a battle of wits, surely you want to cuddle them too?

flippinada · 28/02/2013 19:12

Not unreasonable at all.

I hate to hear talk of spoiling a baby - it's just not possible!

Sirzy · 28/02/2013 19:16

When DS was 8 weeks old he was in HDU and I couldn't cuddle him for 48 hours it was horrible because it was what I wanted more than anything. I will never forget the first cuddle after that.

He is now 3 and I am happy to provide cuddles whenever he wants for as long as he wants!

Locketjuice · 28/02/2013 19:20

Spoilt with cuddles and love. Most definitely not! My little boy is 1 and I would still most likely be classed as 'spoiling him' where cuddles and getting picked up is concerned but he's a baby if he wants a snuggle I am more than happy to oblige

PurplePidjin · 28/02/2013 19:21

Babies need to be held in order to form a secure attachment to their primary caregiver (usually mum) or they don't feel safe. A human baby left alone too long thinks it's about to be eaten by a wild animal or starve/freeze to death - they cry to get their needs met.

I wonder how many modern mental health issues are caused or exacerbated by keeping babies at arms length from such a young age? I know the overwhelming response from ladies of a certain age to seeing ds in his sling is positive and slightly wistful!

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