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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad friend, or is she a bridezilla?

32 replies

Illustrationaddict · 22/02/2013 22:33

I just need to get something off my chest, and get a non-biased reaction.

A close friend got engaged just before Christmas and I was thrilled for her. I've offered to help her with a few things, as she was really helpful in my wedding, and a mutual friends & we wanted to repay the favour.

Now b2b has taken to booking wedding appointments, but rather than asking her friends if we can come, has been sending rather blunt text messages telling us of the appointments and telling us to turn up. I have tbh and say I don't like it when people assume like this, and it's really narked me. Both myself and a close friend have young babies, and she's been scheduling multiple appointments for us, no consideration for towing a baby around for hours. I'm close to speaking my mind, but I know I'll get 'you've had your day and you're being selfish about mine' response. This is absolutely not true, I love helping with occasions like this, but am not liking her attitude. Help! How can I diplomatically deal with her, she was lovely before she got engaged!

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 22/02/2013 22:35

YANBU if she is normally reasonable then she is maybe just getting carried away. A gentle word over a coffe or glass of wine?

YouTheCat · 22/02/2013 22:35

Just tell her you're going to find it difficult with the baby and could she reschedule so that there's no more than one appointment a day.

CheddarGorgeous · 22/02/2013 22:35

*coffee

minibmw2010 · 22/02/2013 22:39

Obviously her just booking and assuming attendance is not great, but how young are the babies? Maybe she just assumes its fine for them to come? I only found taking my DS anywhere to be difficult once he got to about 8/9 months and wanted to be more mobile.

AnyoneforTurps · 22/02/2013 22:40

She is BU but, if this is out of character as you say, it's probably just because she is over-excited. Don't react emotionally, just keep it really factual - "sorry, I can't make that date but would love to come along another day; give me a call so we can sort out times that suit everybody".

Whoknowswhocares · 22/02/2013 22:42

A bit self centred maybe but if shes generally nice then she prob has got a bit carried aŵay and will be fine if gently reminded. Just explain that you need her to check with you before arranging and not book lots all at one and should be problem solved

HollyBerryBush · 22/02/2013 22:42

To me, texts are often blunt.

withou knowing how many friends and how many baies - can you try and imagine orgaising time when everyone is free?

Far easier to give a date and time and let everyone work to it.

Bridezilla? maybe, sensible, definately

To throw a different perspective - six of us decided to go for a meal, one is vegan, I picked a restaurant that does a vegan option. Everyone happy? I thought I'd covered all bases, one other person then decided that it would be fairer that an email cascade went out with a majority vote restaurant. Cue: 2 weeks of buggering about with times, dates, menu.

My point being, you will never satisfy all the people all of the time - give a date, venue and time - its stops all the if/buts.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2013 22:43

Is she just sending a generic text to all of you at once?

I don't think you're being unreasonable being miffed by it, but I would just let it go and focus on what you've had in the past with her and what you'll have in the future when everything's back to normal.

It is a really stressful time and I suppose it's possible some people justify acting in a way they wouldn't normally, thinking that people will understand because they understand how difficult it is 'organising' so many people at once.

Be calm and reply the the person you know her to be, ignoring everything else Smile

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2013 22:46

I thought that Holly Grin

The btb is probably just sending out the text then holding her breath/crossing her fingers that everyone will just jig themselves together and it'll all go off without a hitch.

Original poster
Illustrationaddict · 22/02/2013 23:12

Thanks ladies, really puts things in perspective. Just to give a few details, there are only 4 in our little circle, inc b2b, and we have a 3 month old and a 9 month old. I take on Holly's point about the restaurant, but tb faire we've arranged get together s which have been dare I use the word sabotaged in favour of dress fittings, so our restaurant has been switched under our nose! I guess I'm going to have to give her the next few appointments and subtly hint that it is very difficult with a 9 month old, maybe she'll get the hint if my baby has a few tantrums in her presence? But yes you are right, I need to man up and state what I can attend and make it very clear the reasons why.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/02/2013 23:17

What are all these "wedding appointments" for, that need to involve various friends ? Confused

maddening · 22/02/2013 23:18

You'll just have to start saying no to longer trips and when they aren't convenient.

Maybe those that need to attend the meetings state when they arw free and she chooses the mutually convenient one.

mum11970 · 22/02/2013 23:21

What is a wedding appointment?

Original poster
Illustrationaddict · 22/02/2013 23:24

Dress fittings, wedding fairs etc. I have been to a wedding fair with her already, but it would seem she wants our group to attend several?

OP posts:
Original poster
Illustrationaddict · 22/02/2013 23:32

I only took my mum & mother in law to dress fittings & I remember I got carried away once and didn't say thank you to the shop lady and my mum slapped me right back down to earth and made me appolergise on the spot. I think I'm gonna have to take a leaf out of her book! ;)

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 22/02/2013 23:34

It's asking a bit much. I would be surprised if everyone else can make all these appointments, never mind people with young babies. I think you should say that you will need notice of dates to arrange childcare. The just telling you when to turn up isn't on.

BackforGood · 22/02/2013 23:52

I can't get my head around the idea of bands of friends going along to a dress fitting, or to multiple wedding fayres, even if they were all child free and had no other commitments. I wouldn't necessarily say it was 'bridezilla' though, just odd Wink

NopeStillNothing · 23/02/2013 02:06

Well as you haven't said anything to her yet, I can't really gage if she IBU or not. Her reasonableness(?) can only really be judged by how she reacts to people who can't make it IYSWIM

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/02/2013 02:22

Cowardly but I'd just 'miss' 1 text in 3 and be enthusiastic about orders invitations that do give adequate notice. Take it in turns with your other pals to avoid wedding fatigue.

It's really exciting for her but it's asking a lot to crack the whip many months or weeks before the Big Day and expect everyone regardless of jobs or babies or life in general to leap to attention.

anonymosity · 23/02/2013 02:32

YANBU - tell her what you say in your post. I had a friend who did very similar and because we all jumped through hoops to keep her happy (for however long before the wedding) she kept up the behavior and expectations THEREAFTER. Now, if nothing else, that is something to be avoided. Good luck.

Kundry · 23/02/2013 08:56

More than one wedding fair? I went to one and it is one of the joys of being married that I shall never have to attend another.

She is milking it - helping with a few things does not mean join her in her bridezilla madness.

LadyGoneGaga · 23/02/2013 09:48

In total I had one bridesmaid come to one wedding fair with me, a different one go bridesmaid dress shopping, and the other one went to look at wedding dresses with me (once). Plus the relevant dress fittings (for their dresses). So in total 2 appointments each at which I asked when they could make. I think she's being a bridezilla.

Original poster
Illustrationaddict · 23/02/2013 22:45

Ok, so to update situation. Went to 2 dress fittings and lunch with b2b and dd (dh away for weekend). Feel situation has sort of resolved itself. Whilst dd was fairly well behaved given long scheduled day, she did kick off a bit, and other ladies in group kept trying to help me keep her happy, as did quite a few of the bridal shop ladies. Result, attention deflected from b2b. Don't think she'll ask us along again, at least without checking dh is available to take dd.

OP posts:
bran · 24/02/2013 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceeveebee · 24/02/2013 00:20

Yes, I was wondering what all these appointments were and why friends needed. Other than 1 visit to 1 dress shop I didn't ask anyone to come and do anything to help plan our wedding , was mostly done on the Internet and on the phone anyway as we got married 250 MILs from where we live