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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sympathy card for someone you don't get on with

49 replies

laluna · 20/02/2013 13:20

Don't know what to do.....

School mum who I was friendly with but no longer get on with ( no falling out as such - just drifted far apart, daughters fell out, differences in parenting etc) has lost her Dad from cancer. We don't speak now through not having the chance to, rather than anything else. I met the man a few times and new the wife quite well.

Do I send a sympathy card? Seems silly that I am dithering - I genuinely feel sad for their loss but dont feel there is much of a relationship to base this on now and dong want them to feel I am being a busy body.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 20/02/2013 13:26

Oh I think you should send one. They won't think that you are a busybody at all. They probably have too many other things to think of right now and, if anything, will be touched that people care enough to bother

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2013 13:27

I know many bereaved people who have been comforted by the amount of cards that they get, they like to knowthat they are being though about.

I got an unexpected Mass card from someone, who i wasn't on great terms with when my DH was dying and thinking about it, it was nice to think that someone had given our situation and grief a moments thought.

I would send a card toboth Wife and Daughter, or a combined family card.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 20/02/2013 13:30

I think you should send a card.

MrsKeithRichards · 20/02/2013 13:31

I would.

willesden · 20/02/2013 13:32

I wouldn't send a card. Why would you? She isn't a friend. It is a bit mawkish.

paulapantsdown · 20/02/2013 13:32

yes you should send the card - from your family to theirs

no brainer

BumBiscuits · 20/02/2013 13:33

A friend of my mum's lost her daughter. I can't stand the friend and don't speak to her but was buddies with the daughter who passed away about 20 years ago.

I sent a card to the family that just said "I am truly sorry to hear about xxx".

I got a message via my mum thanking me for the card, though I wouldn't have bothered if it hadn't been acknowledged.

SoleSource · 20/02/2013 13:33

Yes.

kinkyfuckery · 20/02/2013 13:35

Yes, I would.

Thumbwitch · 20/02/2013 13:35

I'd do it.
If my ex of many years (Very acrimonious break up, 3m prior to wedding he fecked off with someone else) could send my Dad a sympathy card when my Mum died, having not spoken a word to him for 12 years, then you can.

TroublesomeEx · 20/02/2013 13:39

It's up to you.

I got 2 sympathy cards when my dad died - one from my brother and one from a distant relative of my stbxh.

It didn't even occur to me to think about sympathy cards. I didn't expect any and didn't derive any comfort from the one's I got.

So my point is, send one if you want to, no one's going to think "what on earth did laluna send us a card for?!" but no one is going to think "I always knew that laluna was a cow, she didn't even send us a card".

In this case, do what you feel is appropriate.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2013 13:40

Yes send the card.
You are thinking of them and you should let them know that.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 13:43

I think it would be a nice thing to do. People don't really send sympathy cards as much as they used to and I think that's a pity. I really appreciated the text messages of sympathy I got when my dad died last year but the cards meant more because someone had gone to the trouble of getting it and writing in it and posting it and I felt touched by that.

zukiecat · 20/02/2013 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 20/02/2013 13:45

Do you think she'd do the same for you?
Exactly. I wouldn't bother.

zukiecat · 20/02/2013 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deleted203 · 20/02/2013 13:54

I wouldn't personally. I would only send a sympathy card to a close friend, probably. Not to someone I had no real contact with anymore.

Up to you, though.

atthewelles · 20/02/2013 14:06

Often, its the unexpected cards or messages from people you haven't seen or spoken to in years, that mean so much to you at a difficult and very sad time.

pictish · 20/02/2013 14:09

Apologies if I seem harsh. I guess it would depend on who it was, and what the cicumstances were. If it were someone I don't have contact with, I probably wouldn't bother. I'm not a cardy person though it must be said.

I would be far more likely to offer my condolences in person when the opportunity arose I think. I'm not horrible...I'm just not into cards.

zukiecat · 20/02/2013 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 20/02/2013 14:18

No it's ok...I did sound a bit hard there.

Dorris83 · 20/02/2013 14:18

I agree with everyone who is encouraging you to send one. It is a lovely and thoughtful thing to do and I'm sure it will be appreciated.

Yakshemash · 20/02/2013 14:20

Please send the card.

atthewelles is spot on. A short personal message from an unexpected quarter can help hugely when you're struggling with bereavement.

Pancakeflipper · 20/02/2013 14:21

I would send one.

ThreeWheelsGood · 20/02/2013 14:21

Yes, send one. To be honest in the grief she might not notice it among the other cards, but it'd be better than not sending it.