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AIBU?

Sympathy card for someone you don't get on with

49 replies

laluna · 20/02/2013 13:20

Don't know what to do.....

School mum who I was friendly with but no longer get on with ( no falling out as such - just drifted far apart, daughters fell out, differences in parenting etc) has lost her Dad from cancer. We don't speak now through not having the chance to, rather than anything else. I met the man a few times and new the wife quite well.

Do I send a sympathy card? Seems silly that I am dithering - I genuinely feel sad for their loss but dont feel there is much of a relationship to base this on now and dong want them to feel I am being a busy body.

OP posts:

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MercedesKing · 21/02/2013 07:16

The card can help a lot, please send it.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/02/2013 02:32

I think you were right to send a card, OP. Something that I think is quite common in bereavement is a feeling that the world should just stop, that everything's changed, that something momentous has happened, even though you know perfectly well that loads of people are going about their business totally unaware of your loss (which is of course perfectly right and understandable that they should do so) but there's something additionally comforting in getting an acknowledgement of what has happened from someone who wasn't particularly close. When my dad died, I remember being very touched that the checkout staff at the local supermarket sent my mum a card because Dad had been friendly with a couple of them.

Thumbwitch · 21/02/2013 02:14

Dreaming - I still have the cards that I was sent when Mum died too. Like you, I don't think it's right to throw them out - they are part of her memorial, if you like.

eyestightshut · 20/02/2013 21:29

My dad died last month. It has meant so much to us all that on hearing of his death people took the time to go out and buy a card, put a little message in it and pop it in the post.
I'd send one.

Dereksmalls · 20/02/2013 21:27

Send one, I was touched by the ones I received when my DF died. Probably more so when not from close friends (unfairly) as those ones were completely unexpected

pictish · 20/02/2013 21:26

What fellatio said. Every word.

HollyBerryBush · 20/02/2013 21:22

No

Simply because if you cant phone or call round in person, you really dont care enough for the bereaved. Cards are just a marketting dream come true for peopel who really cannot be bothered.

slimshady · 20/02/2013 21:06

Yes of course you should.

You are acknowledging someone's dead father.

Cailinsalach · 20/02/2013 21:03

I worked with the same people in the same office for 8 years. When they had deaths, I sent Mass cards, flowers and attended one funeral to represent the firm.

When they had births and weddings I sent cards and bought gifts.

When my Mum died not one of those heartless bitches sent a card and most didn't even offer spoken condolences.

You did the right and gracious thing.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 20/02/2013 18:50

I would send one.

When my Dad died, receiving sympathy cards from people really made me feel cared about - it was nice to know that people were thinking of Dad and us, if only for a minute. I have kept all the cards. Not sure if others think that's strange but throwing them away didn't feel right.

bowerbird · 20/02/2013 18:47

Fellatio. Yes, there should be more people like OP. But I think your honesty and grace quite lovely too.

FellatioNels0n · 20/02/2013 17:39

Honestly? I wouldn't if I were you, because it's she's someone I'm no longer in regular touch with, and we don't seem to have much in common anyway. If it were me I'd be feeling a bit sad for her, but that would be it.

But that's me. You have thought that in spite of all that it would be a lovely thing to do, and you are absolutely right. It would. There should be more people like you in the world, and fewer like me. Send the card.

laluna · 20/02/2013 17:34

Thanks - all done. Kept the message very brief but sent sincere sympathies with thoughts for them all.

OP posts:

bowerbird · 20/02/2013 16:03

Always go with your most generous, kindest instincts. Send a card.

JessieMcJessie · 20/02/2013 16:02

You feel sympathy, so send the card. From experience that I wish I had never had, sympathy cards mean a lot. Slightly different situation, but I have never forgiven my ex boyfriend for not sending a card to my Mum when my stepfather died (at only 62 and suddenly) - boyfriend had got on well with my family, spent a lot of time with them both for 5 years and we had remained friendly, if not in close contact.

AmberLeaf · 20/02/2013 15:54

You were good friends once and no great falling out, so yes do it.

You feel for her, let her know.

LtEveDallas · 20/02/2013 15:52

I was only 3 months post (very acrimonious) divorce when my brother was killed. I was very shocked when my ExH sent a card and pretty much immediately fell apart. It was hard to see his handwriting on something so personal.

However later on, when we were starting to heal, it was good to look at it and realise that no matter our problems, he had loved my brother too.

I would send it.

HecateWhoopass · 20/02/2013 15:47

" I genuinely feel sad for their loss"

That's what a sympathy card is for.

I would send it.

FeckOffCup · 20/02/2013 15:45

Yes I would send it, I regret not sending one a few years ago to someone I wasn't that close to at university who lost his father suddenly (a flatmate's boyfriend so not really a friend of mine). I bought the card but never gave it to him and still feel a bit bad, I saw how hard it was for him to not have his dad there at their wedding several years later and felt guilty about not doing that small thing at the time.

Saltire · 20/02/2013 14:27

I thin you should send one. I know when my dad died when I was 16, one of the girls from school who I didn't get on with sent me one with a note in it syaing how sorry she was etc. it meant a lot

zukiecat · 20/02/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 20/02/2013 14:22

I would, when my sister lost her little boy at 11 months, neighbours that she didnt even speak too sent her cards and flowers.

I think its nice to know that even tho you dont really talk to people, they have given you thought and sympathy, its nice knowing that someone cares.

pictish · 20/02/2013 14:22

You've all made me soften.
Send it. x

stickingattwo · 20/02/2013 14:21

send a card, perhaps one day someone will do the same for you and you'll understand.

ThreeWheelsGood · 20/02/2013 14:21

Yes, send one. To be honest in the grief she might not notice it among the other cards, but it'd be better than not sending it.

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