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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no?

47 replies

DuckMeInTheGrass · 03/02/2013 12:47

My eldest was born 10 years ago, since then SIL has never sent a birthday card, present or even just phoned any of my kids on their birthday,

Nothing. Ignored every single time.

Now she has a kid and her son had his first birthday last week and she wanted us to come to hers for a birthday party, she lives 1 hr 30 mins away on a train.

So bearing in mind she has completely ignored every single birthday of all my children for 10 years AIBU to have not made the trip (bus for 40 mins our end, train for 1 hr 30 mins then another bus for 30 mins at her end) with 5 children as 'they (she and her DP) know it would make their son really happy to see my kids on his birthday?'

I just think it takes the piss to expect us to go to so much trouble for her son when she couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone for ours once.

And can I point out 2 of my kids have had birthdays since her son came but she still hasn't called or sent a card!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 03/02/2013 12:50

YANBU but once their DS gets older, you will need to out this to one side and and just send cards or presents etc for the sake of the child.

ElliesWellies · 03/02/2013 12:50

YANBU...

TidyDancer · 03/02/2013 12:50

out put

mummymeister · 03/02/2013 12:52

if you want to be the same as her then dont send cards ever. if you want to be different and do the right thing then send cards. they are for the child and not for her after all. agree at 1 they wont know the difference but as they get older they will. two wrongs never make a right.

cindersinsuburbia · 03/02/2013 12:53

I think if its too much hassle to go dont go. I've turned down loads of things if it involves too much travelling, expense etc

But dont punish your Nephews/ Nieces for the rudeness of their parents, just send a card and make your apologies

Even better leave it to your OH to sort of its his sister!

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2013 12:53

YANBU - but you should have said you wouldn't be coming as "I thought we didn't celebrate the children's birthdays with extended family, I mean, you've never sent a card or gift for any of ours, I assumed you'd expect us to treat your child the same."

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2013 12:55

BTW - say this to her, unless she's seriously thick skinned, she'll realise that now she's a mum it does hurt if family ignore your DC's birthday. Then she's got a chance, she's got another calendar year to start showing a bit of effort with yours, a card would do, then if she does, from next year you can send gifts. I think really, it's only after 3 they notice who's sent them things. Before that, you're doing it for the parent's benefit.

Original poster
DuckMeInTheGrass · 03/02/2013 12:56

Oh I posted a card, but I didn't want to go to all that trouble (because of her never bothering, if she had I might've put in the effort)

OP posts:
ReluctantMother · 03/02/2013 12:58

I wouldn't go. Far too much hassle.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2013 13:00

Did you ever invite them to yours on your children's birthday?

Cornycabernet · 03/02/2013 13:00

I wouldn't in those circumstances

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/02/2013 13:01

Did you throw parties for your kids and invite her?

Uppermid · 03/02/2013 13:03

What dontmindifido said. Call her on it but def send the child's card and pressie. Don't lower yourself to her lever but equally wouldn't put myself out

WildThong · 03/02/2013 13:03

Agree with dontmindifIdo ^^

Iamsparklyknickers · 03/02/2013 13:04

Is it a done thing in that side of the family to do parties and gatherings? I just wonder because (to me at least) there's a subtle difference in attending gatherings to sending acknowledgements like cards or phone calls.

My family put no importance whatsoever on phone calls, cards or gifts really but will put the effort in for an invite to a party someone has arranged.

If she makes the effort to attend things when invited I think ymightbu if she's arranged it as a family party.

Original poster
DuckMeInTheGrass · 03/02/2013 13:04

We've never had big parties, just parties in the house with our own kids, no extended family.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 03/02/2013 13:09

Or you could say what Don'tmindifido suggests but don't mention her not giving presents. So as pleasantly an normally as you can manage, "I was surprised to get your invite to X - I thought we didn't do....."

(passive aggressive I suppose - but for good intentions and less confrontational)

People sometimes are disappointingly uninterested in children if they're not a parent, though no birthday acknowledgments is very poor IMO. Don't do tit-for-tat with her though as all the children will be the worse for it.

ENormaSnob · 03/02/2013 13:10

Yanbu

I wouldn't bother.

dreamingbohemian · 03/02/2013 13:17

I agree with sparkly, some people do cards and phone calls, some people do parties.

She could equally be sitting there saying 'I never sent a card because I thought we didn't 'do' birthdays, after all you've never invited us for your children's parties.'

I think it's totally reasonable for you not to go because it sounds like a huge faff, but I think it's a bit petty not to go for the reasons you've stated.

It's actually quite nice she's invited you given that you've never invited her to your parties.

And unless she's a lone parent, there are two people in that relationship you can blame for not sending cards.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/02/2013 13:22

Well then I think YABVVU.

You have never invited her to a birthday. How the heck is she supposed to know you expected a phonecall or card? Her family probably dont celebrate that way.

She probably thought you were rude all those years for not inviting them.

Get over yourself and go to the party.

chocoluvva · 03/02/2013 13:26

It's completely understandable that you don't feel like making a big effort to go to her party - she shouldn't think she'll send cards/presents to your DC ONLY if she gets a party invite.

You probably should go though and with as good grace as you can muster for the sake of the family.

McNewPants2013 · 03/02/2013 13:29

If your DC get a party invite at school, don't you go because they haven't sent a card or present to your DC

chocoluvva · 03/02/2013 13:29

There's a theme here: "She probably thought...." How would you know if you don't speak about it?

She sounds like a pain, but she's family....

montymum · 03/02/2013 20:47

It is a long way to go on the train with 5 children. Why don't you send a card this year (it might make her think about sending one to your children).
Just a though How have only 2 of your 5 children had a birthday in the last year?

shutthebloodydoor · 03/02/2013 21:12

I wouldnt go - The weather is shite any way! Id say ''when it gets warmer why dont we meet up half way and take the kids for a fun day out? but make sure u give the birthday boy lots of kisses for me wont you ''...

I wouldnt even send a card or a pressie and if any thing got said which i doubt it as she should realise, just say ''oh i thought we didnt do cards gifts as mine never got any''.. Petty i know, but hey ho!