to have said no?

[DuckMeInTheGrass]

My eldest was born 10 years ago, since then SIL has never sent a birthday card, present or even just phoned any of my kids on their birthday,

Nothing. Ignored every single time.

Now she has a kid and her son had his first birthday last week and she wanted us to come to hers for a birthday party, she lives 1 hr 30 mins away on a train.

So bearing in mind she has completely ignored every single birthday of all my children for 10 years AIBU to have not made the trip (bus for 40 mins our end, train for 1 hr 30 mins then another bus for 30 mins at her end) with 5 children as 'they (she and her DP) know it would make their son really happy to see my kids on his birthday?'

I just think it takes the piss to expect us to go to so much trouble for her son when she couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone for ours once.

And can I point out 2 of my kids have had birthdays since her son came but she still hasn't called or sent a card!

[dreamingbohemian]

So it's not really a party for a one-year-old, but a birthday/meet the family party for an adopted child.

It's still okay not to go on the basis that it would be a huge hassle getting there, but it's even more petty to be all tit-for-that in these circumstances.

I'm sorry if his family are jerks to you but you should address that with them, not project any of it onto the child.

[McNewPants2013]

I take it this child has been adopted, if I am right then I think it's more important to go to make the child feel wanted by his/her new family.

How old is this child

[TastesLikePanda]

I grew up a loooong way from my extended family, we only saw each other maybe once every three/four years. Not because we were abroad but we lived down south, they lived up north, my mum didn't drive and my dad was away a lot in the forces.

I rarely got cards from them and can honestly say I never gave a shit. As long as my mum and dad remembered my birthday that's all I cared about

Sometimes, if we had seen them recently, they might remember and that was a nice surprise - but I never expected it or cared either way.

[NopeStillNothing]

I don't think yabu at all actually. In regards to the party, their lack of interest in your d.c's doesnt even come into it really. The journey was too much hassle. That's the end of it, I wouldn't have gone in those circumstances.
I wouldn't have sent a card either tbh. I don't understand the whole 'dont punish the child' mentality. Fair enough, if they are old enough to notice and have received presents/cards from you in the past they may feel dissappointed but if you have never 'done' cards and presents the children won't even notice. It will only cause resentment on your part.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Could it be that she was jealous of you having children?

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

YANBU and it was really nice of you to send a card and a voucher when she has never bothered with your own dc, especially if some of them are old enough to notice that auntie x never sends them a card

[MortifiedAdams]

YANBU. Irrespective of party invites, she has never in ten years acknowledged your DCs birthdays. Not a 'bad thing' per say as some just dont, but she can't then expect you to go out of your way to acknowledge theirs.

Tbh, if no 'thank you' was forthcoming for the card/gift, id make it the last one.

[DuckMeInTheGrass]

I probably ABU but I've had so much shit from his family that I just can't be arsed. I'm only human.

[DuckMeInTheGrass]

I don't want to give too much away but its not his first birthday, its the first birthday since he arrived with the family.

And I sent a card with a £10 ToysRus/mothercare/boots voucher in.

[wiltingfast]

All sounds a bit petty to me. In the end of the day, it's a kid's birthday and no doubt she is excited at having a 1yo etc etc, we've all been there. You don't have to make a big deal of it, take one or two of the younger ones, I'm sure they'd enjoy a trip on the train and a party?

Plus if you make no effort now she'll certainly never make any effort with yours. Nothing changes if you refuse to let it!

[Dancergirl]

I would say don't go BUT because of the hassle factor not because of her past behaviour. You can be a better person than that, why punish your nephew because of her behaviour?

I'm really surprised at people saying don't send a present. For goodness sake, don't drag the dc into YOUR annoyances with her, it's not his fault.

Be grown up about this and don't do tit-for-tat.

Send a card/present whatever and say sorry you can't come, it's too difficult/expensive to get there.

[cordiality]

I agree with monty, if the child is now one, surely ALL of op's kids will have had birthdays since he was born!

[FellatioNels0n]

YANBU. I probably wouldn't bother sending her child cards and presents in future either. It may be the 'right' thing to do in some people's eyes, but if he has never had it thenn he won't expect it, and you clearly barely see them anyway.

And if you do start sending stuff for him just to make a point, what will you do if she ends up with 3 or 4 kids? It's cost you a fortune and it will not be reciprocated.

Just say 'sorry, it's too far/too expensive for all of us, and it's not as though he'll even know who we are, or remember, is it? Besides, we don't really do big family birthdays in our family, do we?'

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Its a first birthday party, the child won't even give a toss who is there or not!

I personally wouldn't make that trip with the kids, so YANBU.

[TotallyBS]

Monty - in answer to your question, two of the OP's children had birthdays since the birth of the baby.

[Zipitydooda]

Send a card with a little note inside for your SIL 'Do you know, my children have birthdays too! Perhaps you hadn't realised?' Maybe even a little list with the dates!

Seriously, send a card but don't put yourself out too much.

[KC225]

I don't think you should take it out on the child. As a gracious Aunty send the child a card and small gift but also agree with Dontmindif - say something, make an off the cuff comment as it seems it has be a niggle for you. Doesn't have to be a big deal but it could clear the air for the furture

[WorriedTeenMum]

Go or dont go - it is an invitation not a three-line-whip

Why would your SiL really want to take any much interest in your DCs? You arent geographically close and it sounds like you arent emotionally close.

I dont engage with my DB's DCs as we are not at all close. I dont expect him to engage with mine. We are polite in each other's company on the rare times we meet but that is all.

[chocoluvva]

Ah - I missed the bit about the long journey . Sorry, I hate it when posters don't read properly.

She should understand that this is a huge ask, especially at this time of year.
That's just nonsense about her 1year old wanting to see you - if absolutely all the rest of the family are going too and the grandparents are hoping for a complete family gathering then you should maybe think about it.

She sounds like the classic can't see past her PFB.

[ChaoticisasChaoticdoes]

A trip that takes a minimum of 2hrs 40mins each way? I wouldn't go either YANBU

[PhilMcAverty]

I wouldn't have gone either tbh. Then again some people don't 'get' the importance of children's birthdays to their parents, until they're parents themselves.

It was nice of her to invite you though.

[mrsbunnylove]

tell her what she's done and that being so far away you won't be able to make it this year.

[shutthebloodydoor]

I wouldnt go - The weather is shite any way! Id say ''when it gets warmer why dont we meet up half way and take the kids for a fun day out? but make sure u give the birthday boy lots of kisses for me wont you ''...

I wouldnt even send a card or a pressie and if any thing got said which i doubt it as she should realise, just say ''oh i thought we didnt do cards gifts as mine never got any''.. Petty i know, but hey ho!

[montymum]

It is a long way to go on the train with 5 children. Why don't you send a card this year (it might make her think about sending one to your children).
Just a though How have only 2 of your 5 children had a birthday in the last year?

[chocoluvva]

There's a theme here: "She probably thought...." How would you know if you don't speak about it?

She sounds like a pain, but she's family....