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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

53 replies

Seriouslysoreboobs · 26/01/2013 23:29

My husband works 65 hours a week plus works on computer/bb when he is home. He does a sports thing at the weekend (not in a team). When he is not at work he is renovating a house we rent out. So he is a very busy man and I completely understand this.

We have 4 dc aged 4, 3, 2 and 4 months.

AIBU to ask my husband to cancel or delay his sport thing tomorrow so he can take our DS4 to his football practice (indoor) to save me taking the 3 other children out in this weather on a 15 mile round trip and it'll be a hassle in and out the car, tantrums they don't get to stay at football (not allowed to stay and nowhere safe to watch) and generally just a headache all round.

Oh I don't have any hobbies, social life etc because my husband is a workaholic,no family nearby and babysitters are non existent in this neck of the woods!

He says he's going on his sport thing regardless. I think it is very selfish of him to choose himself over the kids. He thinks I'm overreacting.... [bhmm]

OP posts:
Valpollicella · 26/01/2013 23:33

I kinda think you anbu, but might it be worth asking him before now?

Is his 'sport thing' something he might be able to do later in the day?

fairylightsinthesnow · 26/01/2013 23:35

YANBU and you don't need us to tell you that. LTB. Smile well, no, probably not for this, but clearly he isn't appreciating the whole picture. Can you contrive an illness tomorrow and MAKE him therefore have to deal with what would be YOUR day? (Ferris Beuller would recommend licking your palms to make then clammy)

Xmasbaby11 · 26/01/2013 23:38

Gosh your situation sounds really hard. I think with 4 kids you need a day off - can't husband take all of them?! It's a bit short notice though - sort of depends what his commitment is.

LeaveTheBastid · 26/01/2013 23:40

He is being a selfish bastard.

At what point during his week does he have any hands on involvement with his children? At what point during the week do you get to have a life?

Yes he works hard, but by the sounds of it so do you, so quite why he is more entitled to piss about with hobbies every weekend and put the above his children's needs I have no idea.

BlackStiltonBoots · 26/01/2013 23:43

Is his sport thing something he can easily postpone? If so YWNBU to ask him to take DC to football.

Do you ever have time for yourself at the weekend? It's important you have some time to rest and recharge too.

Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 26/01/2013 23:44

He can do it any time of day. He routinely take ds to football on a Sunday.

He told me an hour ago that I will just have to take all the kids with me so ds can go to training.

I had assumed that DH was doing the football run hence the reason I hadn't asked earlier, plus he only got in at 8pm from working at house.

OP posts:
Charmingbaker · 26/01/2013 23:44

I think it's your situation that is unreasonable. Your husband needs some time out if he's working those hours. You need a break in your week away from the kids. Does a 4yo need a 15mile round trip for football practice?

morethanpotatoprints · 26/01/2013 23:44

YANBU.

Why does your dh work so many hours and fill all his time away from your home. Does he ever see your dc. I would be really mad if my dh had done this. I know he has to earn a living but what about his responsibilities of husband and father.

BlackStiltonBoots · 26/01/2013 23:47

Well if he can do his sport at any time of the day then he can take DS to football first can't he?

Does he (your H) give you any support at all? When does he see the children or do things with them?

HildaOgden · 26/01/2013 23:49

Honestly?I think you need marriage guidance counselling.I honestly can't see how a relationship like that can work out long term.When do you all have family time?When do you have couple time?

TheArbiter · 27/01/2013 05:25

Your family situation is completely and utterly unsustainable. The only spare time any of you has is your husband's sports time, which he doesn't even really have, because there's this gruelling 15-mile round trip to fit in, which at the moment you have to do and resent doing - and that's not unreasonable.

My honest advice: sell the house that you rent out. As things stand your family situation means that the sports thing is your husband's only spare time, which he needs. You also need spare time and don't have any. If your husband wasn't faffing about renovating a house, then maybe you'd both have spare time.

If he is the sort that would just find something else to occupy his time that didn't involve the kids, then a serious talk is needed.

Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 08:42

Thanks everyone.

Decided ds will just need to miss football today - DH has left already.

There is no getting through to my husband. He says I get all the time I want through the week to do what I want to do - just take the kids with me Hmm

Think we'll be having a very serious discussion when the kids go down to bed tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 08:46

Oh Arbiter - He would just fill his time with something else equally demanding.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 27/01/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 08:59

Euphemia - I did think of that but not so practical when the baby has been up 3 times during night and its not fair to drag him out in this weather just because I want to prove a point. Although if I wasn't ebf I would've been out the door in a shot!

OP posts:
Emilythornesbff · 27/01/2013 09:02

he says I get all the time I want during the week to do what I want to do - just take the Kids with me Shock Angry Shock
I honestly don't know what to suggest.
I hope someone else has something helpful to say.
Good luck

LindyHemming · 27/01/2013 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HazleNutt · 27/01/2013 09:15

So when is your own time supposed to be? Without DC? If your DH believes you can easily do everything with kids in tow, he could take the kids along for his activities, right?

ivanapoo · 27/01/2013 09:16

Leave all the kids except baby with him one day next weekend.

I mean surely he can do whatever he wants to do, he just has to take the kids with him - right?

ivanapoo · 27/01/2013 09:17

Xpost with hazel - great minds think alike etc

kiwimumof2boys · 27/01/2013 09:27

Can't you hire someone to work on the house you rent out ? to free up some time. I totally get you - I have 3 DS - 4, 2, and 4 months and are knackered most of the time ! YANBU !

BeeBawBabbity · 27/01/2013 09:27

Wow, you both sound crazily busy and it must be exhausting.

I can understand why your husband would treasure his free time, and obviously you have very valid reasons too. I think you did the right thing missing the football. It is way less important than your stress levels.

It'll only get easier as the kids get older, cling on to that! In the meantime, hats off, I couldn't do it.

LindyHemming · 27/01/2013 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 27/01/2013 09:39

I honestly don't understand these marriages.

You say if it wasn't the sports thing, he would just find some other excuse to never be home.

Honestly, why do you want to be married to someone like this? Someone who never wants to be with you and the kids?

I agree with selling the house and getting some marriage counselling, because no way is this sustainable.

meditrina · 27/01/2013 09:44

You say he does the football routinely.

He should not be making arrangements to depart from the routine and which directly impact on you without running it past you first.

I quite like euphemia's suggestion of your making a change to routine which puts him in the position of being the one who just has to cope. Then perhaps you can both sit down and communicate about the need to negotiate and what is a fair notice period for changes to routine.