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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

53 replies

Seriouslysoreboobs · 26/01/2013 23:29

My husband works 65 hours a week plus works on computer/bb when he is home. He does a sports thing at the weekend (not in a team). When he is not at work he is renovating a house we rent out. So he is a very busy man and I completely understand this.

We have 4 dc aged 4, 3, 2 and 4 months.

AIBU to ask my husband to cancel or delay his sport thing tomorrow so he can take our DS4 to his football practice (indoor) to save me taking the 3 other children out in this weather on a 15 mile round trip and it'll be a hassle in and out the car, tantrums they don't get to stay at football (not allowed to stay and nowhere safe to watch) and generally just a headache all round.

Oh I don't have any hobbies, social life etc because my husband is a workaholic,no family nearby and babysitters are non existent in this neck of the woods!

He says he's going on his sport thing regardless. I think it is very selfish of him to choose himself over the kids. He thinks I'm overreacting.... [bhmm]

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 27/01/2013 09:46

Yes def go out next weekend both days just with baby!

BlackStiltonBoots · 27/01/2013 09:49

So your H just swanned off this morning? Angry

When he gets back could you leave the older children with him and go out with baby for a bit?

The whole situation sounds untenable.

What practical help does he give you? When do you get a break?

MadamFolly · 27/01/2013 12:08

What time does he spend with the children? Do they even recognise him? Is he unhappy in his role as husband and father?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/01/2013 12:20

Tell him he can do his 'sport thing' anytime he likes on a Sunday - with the kids.

What a knobber - you need Serious Words.

Sleeping456 · 27/01/2013 12:22

I agree with other posters that this situation is untenable.

Just wanted to add - surely it isn't necessary for a four year old to go to football practice? That sounds like an unnecessary commitment at the weekend which needlessly adds another stress.

I realise that may be the only time the boy sees his Dad mind you.

Really hope you can change your lives soon op. Sounds truly awful.Sad

Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 20:10

Thanks for everyone's advice and comments. It's been a very busy day as usual!

He honestly thinks he's dad and husband of the year.

He's always worked a lot which I get because he does have a job which he loves and I truly believe more people should have that. I love being at home with the kids, school runs, nursery runs, hospital appt etc are just part and parcel of being a SAHM.

It does piss me off frustrate me when he insists that he needs to work when I need him for an hour at night or Saturday afternoon but if a rugby match or football match is on he can miraculously make it home Hmm

Still waiting for him to come home so I can hopefully get through to him what a selfish husband and father he is truly being!
Hits head against brick wall

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 27/01/2013 20:14

Home from where??

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:14

So he works 65 hours a week +, and does renovations after work and has been out 12 hours already today?

Do you even know what he looks like?

What exactly is the point of you being married to him? From his point of you, you are a free nanny, but from yours....what do you get from this relationship? Do you go out together? Watch films, eat, chat together?

What does he give you?

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:15

point of view, dont know what happened there!

SweetSeraphim · 27/01/2013 20:15

I know you appreciate what he does, OP, it stands out a mile that you respect him and all that. But he is treating you like crap whether he realises he is or not.

You need and deserve time off from the children just like he does. Make that very clear.

dreamingbohemian · 27/01/2013 20:16

But that's just it. I think there's a difference between being a workaholic, where you always want to work no matter what, and working all the time so that you can check out of family responsibilities. Your DH sounds like the latter.

I don't know how you make someone want to spend time with you though.

I think it's a good start to point out that he can't just ditch work for fun stuff and not when you need him.

NumericalMum · 27/01/2013 20:23

I only have one DC and work full time too but got to a similar point with my DH. We nearly got divorced. HE now appreciates that when we decided to have children we both wanted to be parents. Not just me. And that means weekends he needs to contribute to family life. If he wants to do sports he can do them on work time or early enough that he can still spend time with our DC. They are both happier this way.

My Dad was like your DH. He regrets it terribly now and wishes he had spent more time with us as children.

quoteunquote · 27/01/2013 20:27

Are you getting rent at the moment for the house he is doing up?

Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 20:30

I don't know how you make someone want to spend time with you though

Gosh that hurts but I'm sure there's a damn good reason dreamings comment has touched a nerve Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 20:33

quote no rent for house atm but money not a major issue apparently (whole different thread)

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:39

seriously I rather suspect that it isnt a whole different thread, but just another reason why he is being a selfish man who is opting out of family life.

What money to do have? Do have equal access to it? Equal "pocket money" or "spends" or whatever you call it?

verytellytubby · 27/01/2013 20:40

Where's he been for 12 hours today?!

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:40

Sorry for the typos, am on my galaxy tab which is rubbish for typing on!

maddening · 27/01/2013 20:44

Something has got to give and if you're not careful it'll be your marriage.

He needs to outsource the work on the rental property or put his sport as a lower priority - can he do it after work one night? Or every other week?

LindyHemming · 27/01/2013 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetSeraphim · 27/01/2013 20:54

And me. I cannot imagine living like this. I mean, I just wouldn't.

dreamingbohemian · 27/01/2013 20:59

I'm so sorry OP, I didn't mean to be harsh Sad

But I think, at heart, this is the problem -- it's not about football practice, it's the fact that he is not prioritising his family when it comes to managing his time. It sounds like it goes: work, renovations, hobbies, family. When really it should probably go work, family, renovation, hobbies.

He needs a major wakeup call or he is going to end up divorced with kids who barely know who he is.

LindyHemming · 27/01/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Seriouslysoreboobs · 27/01/2013 21:09

No equal access to money. Really don't have the energy for that discussion. If worst came to worst and we did go our separate ways I'm sure it'll all be ironed out or I would have to get my career back on track.

He went to work this afternoon then straight to fitting bathroom at house.

I will write down exactly what I think needs changed with regards to family time and couple time. What hours need to be set aside etc. If I approach it with a business style angle he might take more notice!

I don't think I've had a child free 12 hours in over 4 years! I'm sure he see's his time spent away from the family at work and at the rented house as securing our future but I'm all for being poor with a happy family!

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 28/01/2013 14:08

Did you talk to him last night?

I know you said you don't have the energy for the conversation about money, but you need to find the energy to tackle it with him. You are a team - YOU are doing everything at home, you deserve free access to any money he earns, without you, he'd be fucked and he needs to grow up and realise that.

Frankly, I don't see what you are getting out of this relationship that is keeping you there.