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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cultural difference or is he just an ass?

37 replies

Baaruuds · 09/01/2013 08:44

My husband deletes Internet history, text messages, talks to his exes, tells his ex wife he still loves her and he says he does that so that she will come back to this country wit their son (she moved to get away from him) he calls me names when we argue, he tells me I never clean (I do and I get sick of him not doing anything so I stop for a day so he sees how much I do) he tells me I'm lazy ( we have 5 kids mind u so obviously I don't have time to be lazy) if I ask him why he treats me the way he does or deletes things its always the same answer "your controlling and you need to know everything" I don't think he is cheating as he works with my brother so they start and finish at same times and he is always home it's just his attitude, he is African I am Australian, could it be cultural or is he just an ass?

OP posts:
daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 09/01/2013 08:47

Arse. A lazy, controlling, abusive arse.

Leave the arse.

brainonastick · 09/01/2013 08:48

Ass and an arse

Sorry

CadleCrap · 09/01/2013 08:49

Agree - an arse.

Hope he has A LOT of good points.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen · 09/01/2013 08:50

What they said ^

Why are you putting up with it?

Peevish · 09/01/2013 08:51

Not to sound unsympathetic, OP, but it seems a little late to start asking yourself these kinds of questions when you've clearly been with this man (who is an arse) for ages....? Or has something recently changed?

DeepRedBetty · 09/01/2013 08:52

Definitely an arse. Soz.

diddl · 09/01/2013 08:52

Do you really want an answer??

The deleting wouldn´t bother me-in relation to my husband.

I don´t give a stuff about what he does on the internet.

He doen´t text any exes & doesn´t have an ex wife.

My husband never calls me lazy even though I have 2 teenagers & don´t go out to work & the house isn´t always spotless.

He never calls me names-that´s just horrible & childish.

That his ex moved countries to get away from him might be the biggest factor!

blueskymum · 09/01/2013 08:57

He sounds awful....5 kids in, surely you've noticed this before?

Also, Africa is an enormous continent with over 50 separate countries in, each with a distinct identity, so referring to a cultural Australia v Africa argument is ignorant to say the least.

It's like saying European, which could mean anything from Albanian, to Swedish or Spanish......hugely differing cultural traits. Are there sexist arses in Australia?

It's individual arse-like behaviour, nowt to do with anyone but himself!

DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou · 09/01/2013 08:57

An utter arse and I'd suggest his ex had the right idea to get well away.

ElphabaTheGreen · 09/01/2013 09:01

Let's say he's not an arse (which he is) and it is 'cultural differences', does it make it any better or acceptable to be treated that way? I would say no.

From one Aussie to another, LTB, cobber.

MrsBucketxx · 09/01/2013 09:04

Tempted to sing "I like big but and I cannot lie" but I wont Grin

Totall ass.

Fecklessdizzy · 09/01/2013 09:07

Twatdom transcends national boundaries, unfortunately - and he sounds like a prize twat. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 09:10

Neither cultural nor an ass..... abusive. There are more ways of being subjected to domestic violence than a black eye. Bullying is one of them.

Paiviaso · 09/01/2013 09:12

Did you know that his ex wife had moved out of the country to get away from him before you married???

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG

niceguy2 · 09/01/2013 09:17

Seriously??? You have to ask?

ScrambledSmegs · 09/01/2013 09:25

Not just an arse. An abusive arse.

RubyGates · 09/01/2013 09:30

Really?
How on earth have you had five children with someone who is such a fine and prize example of Twuntdom?

It's time to "declutter"

spotsdots · 09/01/2013 10:06

What if he was from same cultural background as you, born and grew up on same street as you and yet behaved the way he does, what excuse would think of?

When did he start being abusive, before having 5 children together or after? If after having children, then perhaps counselling might help.

As for telling his x he loves her????

OnwardBound · 09/01/2013 10:40

It sounds as if you and your OH have big issues OP.

You sound as if you have been together for a while as you have 5 children together...

But he treats you with zero respect and is secretive about his communications [deleting internet history and text messages, why?]

He seems to view you as his housekeeper and childminder but not have much empathy for your needs and opinions.

Of course he may have a different take on this and resentments of his own...

But he does seem to be acting like a twat.

Have you tried relationship counselling? Would either of you consider this?

If so, it might be that you can find a way, with some support, to talk about this and move things forward to a better place.

Whatever that might look like, ie a stronger, mutually respectful relationship or separation...

What would you like to happen OP?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/01/2013 10:47

He' s an arse!!

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

PumpkinPositive · 09/01/2013 10:50

Why did you marry him?

Have five kids with him?

Why are you still with him?

Sounds as though his ex wife has the right idea and you have self esteem issues.

lurkedtoolong · 09/01/2013 10:55

He's an abusive arse. His ex wife moved to another country to escape this man surely that should tell you something?

DreamingofSummer · 09/01/2013 10:57

Just leave him

firawla · 09/01/2013 10:59

whether he thinks its acceptable in his culture or not, he's still an ass
"culture" is not an excuse to behave in this way anyway
loads of people treat others like shit in the name of culture - just cos they feel its important to their culture does not make it ok!
dont put up with it

maddening · 09/01/2013 11:17

Do you have any "normal" conversations with him where hr shows affection and respect? I can't imagine how awful to be with a man like that - well I had an abusive alcaholic bf for a couple of years but you've put up with this for so long - and a relationship is not putting up with that sort of behaviour.