Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL has Invaded my privacy

56 replies

Passthesaltdear · 06/01/2013 22:22

My mil looks after ds once a week while I work, she drives considerable distance to do this and I am very grateful for that as ds loves it and it saves me a fortune in nursery fees. I have no complaints about her but this...
I got back from work a few weeks back and went to my bedroom to get changed, opened my drawers to find that all my clothes had been removed and then folded into neat piles and rearranged in my drawers! Shock The psycho theme tune rang in my ears! I feel it's an invasion of my privacy and that our room would naturally be considered off limits to this sort of rearranging (which she is prone to in other areas of the house which I find bad enough). I didn't say anything at the time but chewed ear of dh who sympathises but doesn't want to upset his mum (nor do I as I don't want her to stop looking after our ds!)
Then this week came home to find she had been in my wardrobe and rearranged everything in there too.
There are things in our room I wouldn't want her to see (normal married couple type stuffSmile) and am pissed off she is even in there! I have tried shutting the door to make it clear the room is off limits but obv not worked. Am loathe to put a lock on my own door in my own house.
Anyone else experienced anything like this? aibu and how to deal?

OP posts:
waitingforgodot · 06/01/2013 22:25

Does she have OCD? Sounds like a compulsion to organise things. Where is DS when she is doing this?

thesnootyfox · 06/01/2013 22:26

Just tell that your room is off limits. This is the sort of thing my mil did when we first got married and we had to be quite blunt with her.

There is absolutely no reason for your mil to be tidying your room. What is she thinking? Hmm

themousetookastroll · 06/01/2013 22:27

Yanbu. Can you ask her to stay out of your bedroom in future?

GrendelsMum · 06/01/2013 22:28

I'd just tell her straight out that you don't want her to rearrange your wardrobe or to go in your room. I suspect she's treating you as she'd treat her son, and so she thinks its helpful to go and tidy up your things because you never have time yourself. Intended to be helpful, but remarkably irritating to the person on the receiving end. Does this sound right? My DMiL tracked down all my ironing and ironed it last time she was here, and I was simultaneously cringing and very grateful and irritated.

If your DMiL would like to come round and rearrange my wardrobe, she's very welcome. Ive also lost a nice black dress somewhere that she could find if she's at a loose end?

Teapot13 · 06/01/2013 22:29

She has definitely invaded your privacy but I'm sure she was trying to be helpful and you would be a fool to offend her when she's doing you this massive childcare favor. (I'm assuming you otherwise get on well and this isn't just the latest episode in a MIL-psychodrama.)

I would find a tactful way to ask her to stop, but without mentioning the privacy issue. Something like, "I notice you have been tidying up around the house, and that is so kind, but we certainly do not expect you to do housework while you're here -- you should be putting your feet up while GC naps!" She should understand from the above that you don't want her in your bedroom.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 22:29

I would just say all pretend shocked "someone's been moving my private things about in my bedroom mil! DH swears it wasn't him. Who would do such a thing, its such an invasion of privacy!"

Too obvious? Yeah. Grin

HollySheet · 06/01/2013 22:30

If you don't fancy confronting her just breezily say "thanks for washing up/tidying away toys MIL but really, there's no need to sort anything in my bedroom" and then hope she gets the hint?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/01/2013 22:30

YANBU.

Just say "I appreciate you trying to help out by tidying, but could you just leave our bedroom to me as I like my privacy."

5madthings · 06/01/2013 22:30

Yanbu this is totally not OK however 'helpful' she may think she is being.

You need to make it clear your room is off limits.

AKissIsNotAContract · 06/01/2013 22:31

Very odd behaviour, you'd think she would want to spend time with her grandchild rather than snoop through your stuff.

Can you leave a sex toy on the bed? That might embarrass her into stopping.

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 22:31

Just tell her that your bedroom is your private space and you'd prefer her to not tidy up in there again..... swiftly point her to the toy boxes that need reorganising!

See I'd accept that from my mother but not my MIL - so I assume she thinks shes doing you a massive favour by tidying up her sonsstuff.

Bedrooms are a big no-no

Original poster
Passthesaltdear · 06/01/2013 22:32

That is my other issue with it, my drawers are a bit untidy because having a child I find it hard to find time to tidy them! What is my dc doing while this is happening. Her house is immaculate, not sure about OCD. I don't know how to say stay out of my room without upsetting her and causing a scene, she is v sensitiveHmm

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/01/2013 22:33

Just leave some sex tpys lying blase-ly on the top of stuff in drawrs.

She won't rummage again.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/01/2013 22:34
GrendelsMum · 06/01/2013 22:34

Give her a hug, tell her how much you appreciate what she does for you and for your DC, and then tell her you feel awkward when she tidies up your bedroom drawers and your wardrobe. If she does it again, go through the same routine again.

mercibucket · 06/01/2013 22:35

yup, litter the drawers with sex toys. she'll soon stop Wink Wink

Mynewmoniker · 06/01/2013 22:35

I'm nort sure teapot's words would get the message over I'm afraid. I think you are going to have to mention directly not doing the bedroom due to feeling a little 'invaded'.

I know what you mean as I had to have the same conversation with my MIL. She took it OK as I laughed and hugged her as I said it...but she got the gist.

Purplehonesty · 06/01/2013 22:36

Leave the ironing out by the time she has done that there will be no time for Berlin
Tidying.

Backtobedlam · 06/01/2013 22:36

YANBU-similar things have happened to me, the subtle approach didn't work, even accidentally coming across my 'private' draw didn't deter her. We had to get a lock in the end...and she isn't even a regular visitor! Having a lockable door does have advantages though, when I need 5mins peace for example, so not all bad.

Purplehonesty · 06/01/2013 22:36

Bedroom tidying obviously. But it does sound like she could tackle a city in a day...

Original poster
Passthesaltdear · 06/01/2013 22:36

Grendelsmum that could work. Sex toys on bed- lol!! She would rearrange them into height orderWink

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 06/01/2013 22:38

Pop a gimp mask and a strap-on in your DH's sock drawer.

RedTinsel · 06/01/2013 22:39

We had a bit of this when we bought our first house. She used to come round when we were on holiday and give everything a 'deep clean'. She also used to come round during the day when we were at work and take the washing basket to hers and do the washing. Pissed me off no end, I could never find any clothes and stuff was always rearranged in the cupboards.

She wasnt getting the message After many 'it's very thoughtful but we don't need you to do that' conversations, so I 'borrowed' her spare key and didn't give it back for years. She doesn't do it all now.

Original poster
Passthesaltdear · 06/01/2013 22:40

I don't iron anything either or the ironing pile would be a great distraction. Actually I only iron my ds clothes when he is going round there or I buy him something new so it's uncreased! She has high standards and I don't know where I would find the time or energy to iron!

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthesaltdear · 06/01/2013 22:41

Zachary quack lmao!!

OP posts: