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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For feeling that we should have done something? I know we couldn't but...

36 replies

Enfyshedd · 27/12/2012 22:36

DSS1 & 2 went away with their mother yesterday for late xmas break. DSS2 (6) has had a cough for a week which had got worse while they were overnight with their mother (she & her DH both smoke), and he's on cough medicine & calpol following visit to docs on Xmas Eve.

DSS2 spent yesterday morning in tears saying that he didn't want to go away and wanted to stay with daddy. And I mean in floods. I don't think things were helped by the fact that their mother was half an hour later picking them up than when we were expecting her, so we were all stood in the hall waiting for a knock before she rang DSS1's mobile to say they were about to leave her house - couldn't she have sent a text to say they were running late?

It was horrible and heartbreaking to watch. DP had to practically prise DSS2 from him and nudge him down the street to his mother's car. I know IABU for think we should have said "No, we're not making him go if he doesn't want to" (in which case, I think DSS1 (14) would have refused to go as well), but I can't help thinking it.

OP posts:
VBisme · 27/12/2012 22:40

YANBU to think it, but it's good you didn't say anything.

I think the kids get upset whenever they leave one parent, even if it's to go to the other parent.

I'm sure they'll be right as rain and having a lovely holiday.

McChristmasPants2012 · 27/12/2012 22:42

Could you text the mother or phone to see how your stepson is now, if only to put your mind at ease.

CrazyChristmasLady · 27/12/2012 22:45

Do they live with you? Is there a particular reason why he was so reluctant?

Damash12 · 27/12/2012 22:47

Ahh how sad, but you're right you can't do anything as I'm sure the mother would not be happy especially after booking a holiday and I'm sure they have a good time once away but yeah I'd feel the same.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 27/12/2012 23:02

Yes, they live with DP & I - he has custody. Me text their mother? She wouldn't even make eye contact with me until over a year after I moved in with DP (no, I'm not the OW - she walked out on DP & their sons after she had an affair). I think I've had about 3 or 4 verbal exchanges with her in the past 14 months (all polite small talk).

They's gone to her parents about 250 miles away, and I understand from DP & DSS1 that there isn't much to do there (rural) and they get ignored a lot - impression I've been given is that the DGPs just carry on with their normal routine as if they didn't have any visitors. We've text DSS1 as we missed the call to say they'd arrived, but he hasn't got any credit to reply.

It really was horrible to watch him go off in such a state.

OP posts:
CrazyChristmasLady · 27/12/2012 23:10

Hmmm, I actually wonder if there is more to them not wanting to go. To be in such a state because there is nothing to do seems unusual. It does sound like a very miserable trip. Surely relatives should be making a big fuss over seeing them.

YANBU by the way. I would have felt terrible sending a child off in that state.

ImperialBlether · 27/12/2012 23:13

Why didn't you make sure he had credit, particularly given how upset he was?

InExitCelsisDeo · 27/12/2012 23:14

What a shame your DSS1 doesn't have any credit - can you not do a top up remotely so that he can stay in touch?

And rural does not always have to mean boring.

Roasties · 27/12/2012 23:16

how often is the contact they have with their mother?

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 23:17

As horrible as it is to watch, it's perfectly natural for a child to be tearful when going off with the non resident parent.

But mostly, they're absolutely fine after a little while...just like when they start school.

ThisIsMummyPig · 27/12/2012 23:22

Do you think he was in tears because he was ill, or because he really didn't want to go?

I am wondering if you are concerned that he is really ill, and he needs medical attention, which he may or may not be getting, or if it is just that he is under the weather and didn't want to leave his comfort zone.

I think you did the right thing though.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 23:27

He doesn't sound really ill...he's got a cough and has been prescribed cough mixture for it.

It used to break my heart when my DS used to cry about going to stay with my ex...but he'd literally be all laughs and smiles 10 minutes after leaving.

Hopefully it's the same here.

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 23:37

My 13yo dd still cries when she goes to stay with her dad fr the weekend, and when she comes home again , and when we speak on the phone when she is at his house, and when he calls her when she is at home. She finds saying goodbye very difficult, and it seems to b getting worse as she gets older not better. But within 2 mins she is fine again. She just finds the point of separation difficult, I try not to take it personally when she cries after I pick her up from her dadas, and put it down to teenage hormones knocking her about.

Top up his phone remotely, or get a top up voucher and text him the number so he can let you know he is ok (or not). I expect he will be fine, maybe a bit bored but aren't trips to your grandparents supposed to be boring when you are a teenager????

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 23:38
  • from her dads, not her dadas, I don't baby talk to her ffs. Stupid iPad.
Original poster
Enfyshedd · 28/12/2012 05:57

Sorry, went to bed & tried to get some sleep (damn this quick acting fluey thing stopping me from sleeping).

Just to clarify, 14yo DSS1 was fine, it was 6yo DSS2 who was in tears. DP tried to call DSS1 yesterday to see how they were doing, but either DSS1 had flattened his phone & not recharged yet, or no signal. Apparently rural in this case is a "village" containing about a dozen houses along a road a mile long. No shops, play areas, etc less than a drive away.

The doc DSS2 saw on Monday said it was about the 150th case of this cough/cold bug that he'd seen in 2 days (had been doing out of hours clinic as local hospital over the weekend). He's had a barking cough since we picked him up on Saturday which was still as bad on Wednesday morning. They see their mother overnight one night in the week, then alternate 1 night & 2 nights on the weekends, so quite regular. DSS2 does regularly get grumpy about going to his mother's as he has to share a bedroom with his 3yo half sister who disturbs his sleep (mother got pregnant within a fortnight of walking out), but he's never been in tears like this before.

OP posts:
ll31 · 28/12/2012 07:17

Think you sound quite contemptuous of your stepsons mother tbh. .. what does when she got pregnant have to do with anything? Also imagine standing in hall for half hour waiting for knock hardly helped younger boy. .. you havent said why you won't put credit on older boys phone so you can contact them. ..

DozyDuck · 28/12/2012 07:28

DS is 6 and going through a phase where he gets really upset when going his dads.

It's horrible to watch and probably worse for his dad but he needs a relationship with his dad so I just suck it up and text his dad regularly to check he's ok.

DSs dad does a lot more than I do with him because he has a lot more money (like a lot of NRPs) and spoils DS so there's no reason for him to get so upset other than the fact that he hates being separated from me.

It's horrible but there's nothing you can do except reassure him that his mum loves him and he will see his dad soon

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 28/12/2012 07:43

I freely admit to being contemptuous of her - I can't understand how anyone can walk out on her own children and not see or contact them for a month. I'd met DP as a friend a few months before it happened and even though he's since told me how unhappy the marriage was from his side of things, it was still a hammerblow. I also wonder how the boys took it when their mother abandoned them and got pregnant so fast afterwards - I know that DSS1 used to scream obscenities at her on a few occasions when she collected him from school after she started contact again. He was also old enough to know that she resented having to look after her own sons a few months later when DP was hospitalised for over a week following an assault.

Didn't get a chance to get credit for DSS1's phone on Boxing Day morning before they left - we were a bit preoccupied with making sure bags were packed and dealing with an upset DSS2. Going to try DSS1's phone again later in case it was a flat battery yesterday, but mobile signal isn't apparently the best up there.

OP posts:
earlyriser · 28/12/2012 07:51

I suspect he probably didn't want to leave all his lovely new toys behind either!

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 28/12/2012 07:54

We were trying everything - saying that his DGP's were looking forward to seeing them (despite DP knowing that they're normally ignored), that Santa had probably left some presents for him at his DGPs, etc.

We were waiting in the hallway from the moment we understood that she was supposed to be picking them up - she's been known to complain like hell if DP is 5 minutes late collecting them on the weekends if he hasn't called in advance to let her know, and DP still has to collect them at 8.30am on the weekday during the school holidays because she doesn't want them around (she's a SAHM, so no issues about her getting to work).

I know that it's just a case of a poorly little boy not wanting to leave home for half a week, but it was just horrible to see and to feel so powerless to comfort him.

OP posts:
Nishky · 28/12/2012 07:58

I suspect having him 'standing in the hall' waiting did not help. Why not have him following normal routine until she knocks- then quickly pop on coat and off.

The fact that you stood in hall waiting for her knock makes me question your motives tbh. No poorly child of mine would be standing in a hall

That didn't help the situation really did it?

fortyplus · 28/12/2012 07:59

It's a difficult situation, but in some ways you're not helping. By getting them ready and standing in the hall you're giving them time to think about it.

Much better if ex sent a text when she's leaving rather than make a big thing about having to arrive on the dot.

Tesco mobile do 'ping a pound' - you just buy cheap pay as you go mobiles then the child can request £1 of credit from your phone up to once every 24 hours. Worked brilliantly for mine - though I did have to issue strict instructions about frequency of 'pings'.

fortyplus · 28/12/2012 08:00

xp with Nishky - agree 100%

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 28/12/2012 08:11

I know waiting around didn't help the situation, but you've never tried to get DSS2 out of the house in a hurry - give him 5 minutes and he would have found some way to lose a shoe or his bag somewhere. If they hadn't been ready to leave the moment she arrived, then she probably would have started an arguement.

I think she could have at least text one of us to say she was running late - she'd told DSS1 on Xmas Day what time she was going to pick them up, so why couldn't she let us know she was running behind?

OP posts:
Nishky · 28/12/2012 08:28

She rang her son- so she did let you know. It is possible with two adults to get a six year old out of the house-shoes and bag by front door. I think you are going to have to accept that on this occasion you contributed to his distress by your big performance of waiting by the front door