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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this bloke in our home?

33 replies

Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 13:55

Sorry this is abit long.

We live in a nice area and get on well with our neighbours.

Our neighbour a bloke in his twenties knocked at our door couple nights ago. Was talking about his job or something and ended up inviting himself in for a beer.

He is always friendly when we say hello. Admitted few months ago that he has been in prison years ago but I don't know what for. He recently split with his partner and she has moved out with his child. From what he said she left after an incident when the police were called to the house.

After a couple of beers I hinted it was time for him to leave as we had to go to bed. He implied I was boring and didnt relax and have fun. I wasn't drinking and was the one who suggested he leave so I guess that's why he said that.

Anyways my husband agreed to another drink. When the bloke then suggested having another my husband declined despite the guy been quite pushy and the bloke left.

But here's where it gets complicated.
At one point in the night I couldn't find my mobile. I asked my husband to ring it off his mobile. Bloke was having a cigarette outside at this point. When he came back in he thought I was suggesting he had nicked it. Me and husband said we wouldn't let him in house and have a drink if we didn't trust him but he became weird and we could tell he was stewing over it. He went quiet and we didn't know what he was gonna do. It just felt really tense like the mood has changed. Anyway he left about 10 minutes after this. Left on good terms. Didn't for one second think he had taken my phone.

Am I unreasonable to not want him in our home again. I felt uncomfortable and don't want to feel like that in my own home.

I get the feeling that now he has been over once its set the precedent for it to happen again.

I've spoke to my husband he said he declined the last drink because he could see the atmosphere had changed and more alcohol would have made that worse.

When I said I don't want him in the house again he just said depends on the situation. My husband also admitted he thought the bloke had potential to kick off but that he's not a bad bloke really.

OP posts:
PerpetualAmnesia · 22/12/2012 13:58

I think that aside from anything else, any guest who doesn't take the cue to leave and then calls his/her hosts boring is rude and I wouldn't especially want them back. I would honestly just play it by ear, people can be very different when alcohol is involved and he may actually be okay if the booze is a bit more limited.

But, the short answer is that if you are not comfortable with someone in your house for any reason, it is your privilege to not invite them back.

SantasENormaSnob · 22/12/2012 14:00

No he wouldn't be coming back.

Original poster
Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 14:02

I think ur right the alcohol is the key here. He is usually nice enough but drink turned him really paranoid.

But playing it by ear un settles me, what if he turns up with beer I don't know how comfortable we will feel turning him away.

OP posts:
dondon33 · 22/12/2012 14:03

YANBU
Whether he's a good bloke or not minus the alcohol, if he made you uncomfortable in your own home, keep him out.

KitCat26 · 22/12/2012 14:04

No don't have him back over. He made you both feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 14:04

I think it's difficult as I am very black and white and just want a blanket ban of him coming into our home but my husband is much more relaxed and just wants to judge each situation on its merit.

OP posts:
ChristmasPickles · 22/12/2012 14:09

I can't believe you let him stay after you said you wanted to go to bed and he called you boring!? This is so outrageously rude, if it was my home he would have been out immediately and never invited back.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 22/12/2012 14:11

My friend had a friend like this, quite honestly he was probably just lonely. Suggest hubby swaps mobile number to text when is convenient, that way it stops him just rocking up.

fortyplus · 22/12/2012 14:13

Did you find your phone?!

PerpetualAmnesia · 22/12/2012 14:15

I can understand how you feel, I more meant see if he turns up and see how you feel at the time. But, as I also said, you should not be uncomfortable in your own home and I may also be a bit wary about him coming over all the time if he has no one else at home. He may be lonely, which is why he outstayed his welcome (not that it's your responsibility to sort this of course)

Do whatever makes you happy. If you can't be comfortable in your own home, where can you be?

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2012 14:18

If he's your neighbour it would be best to keep things cordial and it sounds like with this guy keeping him at arms length would be the best way to do this. Awkward though. I'd probably make excuses when he pops round until he stops popping by. If he forces the issue, not accepting the time to leave is a v good reason.

FellowshipOfFestiveFellows · 22/12/2012 14:20

YANBU. People change when drinking. I know from bitter experience that the nicest person can end up being a nightmare when drinking more than a couple of beers/whatever alcohol.

Its your home. Simple. If you don't want him there, and if he is rude when he is there the first time he gets asked in (even under duress) he should not come back.

Even without all the gf leaving, prison baggage he has.

Original poster
Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 14:22

Yes found my phone.

Didn't call me boring directly, just turned to husband and said is she always like this, don't let my hair down etc, said talking to me was like talking to a probation office Blush

OP posts:
financialwizard · 22/12/2012 14:22

Did you find your phone?

I wouldn't invite him back at all. My home is my sanctuary and I am not going to let anyone make me feel uncomfortable in it.

SantasENormaSnob · 22/12/2012 14:23

He is rude and inappropriate.

Sounds volatile too.

Original poster
Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 14:26

I want to keep on good terms as we are going to see him often with living on same street.

I think just going to have to think of excuses if he comes by or suggest husband goes to his.

I don't really know how he ended up staying after I asked him to leave I think I felt sorry for him and not really backed up by husband who said he finds it difficult to ask people to leave. He's a people pleaser.

OP posts:
BandersnatchCummerbund · 22/12/2012 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somedayma · 22/12/2012 14:40

I wouldn't be happy to have him back. OTOH I'm a bit of a soft touch and if I thought he was just lonely I'd probably have him back while thinking 'why did I invite him again!?'. Maybe one more chance? But I suppose that'd make it harder to say a firm no next time

Original poster
Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 14:47

Yeah Bander I wasn't happy. At the time my husband shook his head and said I'm not boring. It was a half hearted attempt to defend me.

However when I asked him about the comment that its like talking to my probation officer, my husband said I can sometimes have my work hat on and ask a lot of questions etc and come across as serious and this coupled with not drinking probably makes me seem reserved.

It makes me sad people view me in that way as I always make the effort ask lots of questions show interest in their life but as I'm reserved and not drinking prob am bit serious. Meanwhile husband didnt say much just had a drink and is perceived as fun. It's like good cop bad cop.

OP posts:
NigellasGuest · 22/12/2012 14:53

How long has he lived in the neighbourhood?
and does anyone else living nearby have any experience of him doing something similar with them? if so how did they deal with it?
Are there any nice locals you can have a chat with? that's probably how I'd approach the problem initially.

Enfyshedd · 22/12/2012 14:58

ExP once invited in a couple who lived in the next street for a drink. At 10.30, I went to bed as I was feeling ill and this couple were still drinking with DP (who had decided to crack open the export strength vodka). At some point while I was in bed, the male half went home but the female half stayed. I woke up about 11.30 pissed off about the noise (lived in a flat - bedroom was next to living room), and the woman decided to go home.

If I remember correctly, I think she didn't have any keys to get in and her bloke didn't answer the door at the first go, so she staggered came back to ours. DP then went out with her to take her home (as there was no way I was happy with that skanky mess to stay at ours for me to wake up to on Sunday morning). DP then comes back in a couple of minutes later to say that she'd fallen down pissed tripped on the steps from our street to theirs so I had to go out & look after her (call an ambulance because she was out cold & put her into the recovery position) while he got the bloke out of his house.

Anytime we saw that couple in town after that, we blanked each other. Waaaaaaay too much of a liability for us to want to be friends with them & I think they were too embarrassed.

Original poster
Christmashasarrived · 22/12/2012 15:11

About 3-4 years. There's an older man who lives next door the bloke but he is abit difficult to talk to. There's an older lady few doors down who is very involved in the community, I like her and talk to her regularly however bloke not a fan of her as she allegedly phoned RSPCA saying he wasn't looking after his dog! If it comes up could mention to her as she is easy to talk to and would listen and give advice.
God that thing with your neighbours enfy sounds tricky. I think when you don't know people well you want to be welcoming but when something goes wrong its hard to manage because you don't know them properly.

OP posts:
ChristmasPickles · 22/12/2012 15:15

Enfysheed Shock THAT is why I like quiet nights in with DH - call me boring all you like, I don't care what these piss heads with no manners think!!!

curiousuze · 22/12/2012 16:05

I'd go with your gut instinct and avoid him, he sounds like a wrong 'un. I would let your husband use you as an excuse to not let him in again - who cares what the guy thinks of you?

Narked · 22/12/2012 16:13

I wouldn't want anyone in my home who came out with, 'talking to me was like talking to a probation officer.'