Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH takes advantage?

27 replies

Jamandcheese · 15/12/2012 05:38

I've been married now for over 4 years. Like all marriages it's had it's good and bad times. But today I'm fecked off at DH.

He went out on his work Xmas meal. We have had many problems as a result of hin drinking too much; me not being able to contact him, coming home at 5/6am, getting caught drink driving and cheating on me with a prostitute.

We agreed to work through these together. And he promises me to drink sensibly. But he doesn't. Today his colleague rang to say they put him in a taxi but he jumpe out. So she stayed with him while I drove 40 mins into the city in the middle of the night with a 6 month and 2 year old.

I feel like he doesn't care or respect me when he does this. I just needed to rantSad

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 15/12/2012 05:47

Going out and getting rip roaring wouldn't bother me if it were once in a blue moon.

However, no way would I have got up, dressed small children and driven at that time of night unless he were in physical danger; he wasn't he was with collegues. I think you are very foolish to have done so. I would have left him there.

stainesmassif · 15/12/2012 05:55

He's got a problem with drinking. You don't have to put up with it. Don't. Cheating with a prostitute!! Ltb.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 15/12/2012 05:56

You should not have gone to get him.
He drinks to excess, cheated on you, stays out till morning, drives drunk and obviously shows you no respect by doing these thing.
Why are you even bothering?

MammaTJ · 15/12/2012 06:07

So, what will be your limit? What will be the thing that makes you LTB?

Do you have that in mind? Or can he continue to do what he likes, drink too much, cheat on you, make you drag your young children out of their beds as long as he says sorry he will change afterwards?

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 15/12/2012 06:29

Think of the messages your 2 year-old is getting from this.

LTB

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 15/12/2012 06:32

What is the tipping.point for you? I think most would have LTB by now.

No way on this earth would I have gone to get him. In fact, I would have double locked the door, disabled the bell, packed his shit and then gone to bed.

SomersetONeil · 15/12/2012 06:53

He does these things because you're still with him.

As long as you're still with him, you're green-lighting his behaviour. As long as you're putting up with it and accepting it, he's going to keep doing it? Why wouldn't he?

He know you're not going to do anything like leave him, so why wouldn't he have his cake and eat it too? There's absolutely zero incentive for him to behave well.

You're making it far too easy for him.

Sorry - I realise this reads slightly like I'm blaming you for his atrocious behaviour; I'm honestly not. You do not have to accept this. You deserve so much better than this arse-wipe.

DTMFA.

Fairylea · 15/12/2012 06:55

Another LTB here. Complete lack of respect for you and your dc.

It is never acceptable to get so drunk your wife has to get your two babies up in the middle of the night to drive you home. Never. Doesn't matter if it's once a year. It is just wrong. Colleague was with him, he could have sorted something out.

If it was me I would have put the phone down and left them to it. And by the time he made it home his bags would be packed.

But then I hate drinking to excess and left dds dad for similar (not as bad actually as yours). I am now remarried and my dh and I don't drink through choice. Ever. I think if you have children there's something wrong if you get drunk to the point of being incapable.

This would be major major red flags for me.

NervousAt20 · 15/12/2012 07:21

ShockShockShockShockShock Ate you serious? How can you stand to be with him ? He's cheated on you with a prostitute!! What are your limits and boundaries? I don't mean to be harsh or horrible but it doesn't seem like you have any so he will keep on treating you like shit, I think you need to kick him out and try and shock him into seeing sense because right now your making it to easy for him and just being a door mat. Sorry

Groovee · 15/12/2012 07:29

He has a drink problem... My mum has one and it has the effect that I avoid her when she's drunk. I still get flashbacks to my childhood and things I didn't understand now make sense :-(.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 07:29

"getting caught drink driving and cheating on me with a prostitute."

He treats women as commodities and puts other road users lives at risk by driving drunk.

He has the moral status of a rapist and murderer.

I can't believe you let a scumbag like that share your bed.

Hassled · 15/12/2012 07:31

You mention good and bad times - the good times would have to be pretty bloody wonderful to even begin to compensate for the bad times you're described. So - are they pretty bloody wonderful? What do you get out of the marriage?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 07:40

Yeah, like does he fly you to the moon for your anniversary?

Has he discovered a new precious stone and named it Jamite?

Can he roll uphill?

Are the laws of physics suspended in his presence?

That's the kind of stuff I'd be looking for to stay married to a prostitute-using drunk driver.

GeordieCherry · 15/12/2012 07:45

Try Al-anon for some support for YOU. He's an adult & responsible for his own actions, you are not
You can have a good life whether he chooses to drink or not
My ex drank to the point of being an alcoholic. I was in Al-anon a few years before he admitted that, & later gave it up. We broke up for other reasons. My life was so much better with Al-anon even when he was drinking. They saved my life (& probably his)
Good luck Smile

peaceandlovebunny · 15/12/2012 08:04

you don't need al-anon, you need the door.

door. through it. with children.

if he goes with prostitutes you will never be safe. if he's out all night drinking, you aren't safe and nor are your children.

next time he's out - at work, for the night, whatever, just pack and leave.

INeedThatForkOff · 15/12/2012 08:09

And when you do LTB, stipulate that he never drives your DCs anywhere.

wordfactory · 15/12/2012 08:12

OP he has a drink problem.

A problem does not mean you're drinking all day every day. A problem means you do problematic things when drinking and yet...still drink!

ceeveebee · 15/12/2012 08:14

Why on earth did you drive and get him with your DCs?

Seabright · 15/12/2012 08:17

No-one will think you are wrong for leaving/chucking out this man. Do your RL friends and family know the extent of his behaviour, or have you/he hidden it from them.

You don't have to put up with this, you really don't.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree · 15/12/2012 08:21

Harsh posts here!

It must be tough if you love the dude when he is sober, only to face this crap behaviour when he is drunk.

You have my sympathies, you really do.

However, you really do have to decide what you limit is.

You are enabling him to continue at the moment and it is impacting on you and your kids in a terrible way Sad

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 15/12/2012 08:22

I would have left his drunken backside where it was.

Drag my dc out out in the cold to get their dad because he's a total arse and can't drink sensibly, no way would that happen.

Op sounds like you have given enough in this relationship, tbh i would have slung his arse out as soon as i found out about the prostitute.

You're right, he doesn't respect you.

Fedupnagging · 15/12/2012 08:23

That's appalling behaviour and yes he obviously doesn't care or respect you very much.

I think you realise that though and are looking for validation on here-which you are getting obviously.

You need to decided what you want to do next. Do you 'leave the bastard' or do you try to get your relationship back to a workable level with mutual love, respect, help, support etc. And no shagging prostitutes - deal breaker for me but that's your choice.

Is this the type of family environment you want your dc's to grow up in?

akaemmafrost · 15/12/2012 08:27

My ex MIL was/is like this. Grown Drunk Adults and caring for them come before dc every time. She used to chase her drunk DH around at the expense of her dc too.

Guess what? They had a ds who when he grew up expected that HIS wife ie me, would put HIM and his drinking before dc and themselves too, I was a bad wife because I wouldn't, no wonder he was unfaithful blah blah blah!

I left him after years of abuse, prostitutes also, spending massive amounts of family income on his "pursuits". Oh and btw your DH did not go with a prostitute because of alcohol he went with her because he is a disgusting, selfish, entitled arsehole of a man.

I am sorry to be harsh but I spent 6/7 years thinking it was my fault, if I could just be a more supportive, caring, selfless wife he would see and wouldn't need to drink it's BULLSHIT! And you need to wake up and see it.

HappyJustToBe · 15/12/2012 08:27

You deserve more than him. He does not deserve you.

ENormaSnob · 15/12/2012 08:29

You need to gather your last shred of self respect and get rid.

This man is a disgusting excuse for a husband and father.

Swipe left for the next trending thread