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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling OW husband

27 replies

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 18:35

A few month ago DH left his job. One woman he worked with was very upset with him for leaving. DH told me that she had vowed never to talk to him again as she was so hurt. My feeling was she had feelings for him, hence her upset.

His new job took him away from this woman. He did however meet her for a night out with some other colleagues a couple of months later. After that night I saw a text conversation which upset me a bit, I can't remember the full details but it seemed a bit over friendly.

I was looking through DH's email today and saw that he had copied and pasted an exchange between the two of them into an email which he forwarded to himself. The jist of it seems to be that he doesn't want to talk to her and she feels like a fool. I am going to admit to DH I saw his email and ask him what has happened.

I'm not sure how much he will tell me. This women works with her husband so I can easily find his details, wibu to forward the message to him and ask if he knows what's been going on.

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 12/12/2012 18:37

yes - you have no idea IF anything has been going on

WorraLorraTurkey · 12/12/2012 18:38

YABVU

At least have the balls to ask the woman and your DH what's going on instead of asking and upsetting the innocent party!

Original poster

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 18:39

I will of course ask him!

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mummymeister · 12/12/2012 18:39

Dont forward the message on unless you are totally prepared for a complete shed load of grief. speak to your dh first. tell him you looked at personal emails because you felt suspicious and bearing in mind what you read you were right to do so. ask him outright what has gone on between the two of them. if you believe him and forgive him (if its needed) then you should e mail the woman yourself and tell her to b*er off and leave him alone. Never ever heard of a situation like this that ended well when the wife told the OW's husband.

ENormaSnob · 12/12/2012 18:40

Your dh is likely to lie or do his best damage limitation anyway.

Do you think they had an affair?

Original poster

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 18:42

mummymeister, thank you. If something has been going on I will email her and tell her to back off.

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WorraLorraTurkey · 12/12/2012 18:43

You have no need to ask her DH anything.

If you think your DH has been having an affair, it's him you need to talk to.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 12/12/2012 18:43

Personally I think each situation is different. I know if dh was cheating on me I would want to know to be told.

However you don't evenm know whats has happened. What doesn't he want to talk about?

Possibly she has told your dh that she loves him and your dh turned her down. Which is why she feels like a fool and he doesn't want to discuss it.

ZZZenAgain · 12/12/2012 18:43

ooh no, I don't think you'll look good.

It could be that she made an advance and dh rebuffed her, so she feels a fool. It could be when they went out with colleagues, she passed on some information about him he had told her in confidence so he is angry and she regrets it. (Actually that seems more likely). It could be that she has embarrassed him in public in some other way or they had an argument about politics and it got very tense, she blew up and stormed out and he wants nothing more to do with a nob like that.

Your really don't know. I think what you have to go on atm is a bit thin. You say a text conversation was a bit over friendly, maybe you're right I don't know but look, how often are they seeing each other? It is not very often at all, is it?

fedupofnamechanging · 12/12/2012 18:44

I would send the details to her dh - she shouldn't be entering into any kind of conversation with your husband that she wouldn't want her own husband to know about.

You might get a clearer picture than if you just ask your dh, who might lie if it suits him to.

If some woman was overstepping the boundaries of acceptable behaviour, I would have no problem with bringing a shit storm down on her head. Her husband's feelings are her responsibility, not yours to worry about.

Original poster

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 18:44

ENormaSnob, I don't think they have had an affair not a physical one anyway - seems from the messages it could have been going towards the start of an affair.

OP posts:

maddening · 12/12/2012 18:45

Forward the email to yourself as it will be deleted .

You need to speak to him not the ow's dh.

Original poster

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 18:46

WHen he moved to his his job they only saw each other once, since he has moved jobs again who knows as they are in very close proximity.

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HildaOgden · 12/12/2012 18:47

Ask him what the full story is.

If you don't believe his version,then ask her.If you do believe him (and it sounds acceptable to you),then don't even contact her.

Whatever you do,don't go dragging anyone else in unless you are full sure there is good reason to.

It could well be innocent,she might have had a 'thing' for him and he wasn't up for it....and he's keeping email evidence in case she ever tries to cry wolf and twist things around.

Ask him and report back,I'm curious now

Original poster

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 18:51

Hilda will try my best to report back as I would want the same!

The more I read it the more it sounds like he has turned her down but it could be wishful thinking on my part. I also know that she met her current husband while she was married to someone else which is tainting my view of her somewhat.

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HildaOgden · 12/12/2012 19:04

It does sound like her turned her down to me,and she's not too happy about it.Give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him .He could very well be relieved that it's out in the open between the two of you...he might have been friendly to her at the start and she read the signs wrong.

waltermittymistletoe · 12/12/2012 19:13

Bitter what is your gut feeling?

If it reads like it was the start of an affair, well that's just shit isn't it?

Make sure you forward it to yourself as a PP said.

WRT telling her DH; there's not really anything to tell just yet. Concentrate on getting the truth before you decide anything else!

Original poster

bitterorange · 12/12/2012 19:22

I have a copy, looks like its an exchange of texts which is has copied into an email. He should be home in just over an hour.

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canoodle · 12/12/2012 19:25

He may well have sent them to himself in case there is any comeback at work (such as charges of harassment etc). I would definitely give him the benefit of the doubt - it doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong. And of course you shouldn't get in touch with her husband. She may well be behaving badly or stupidly but we all do that sometimes.

ZZZenAgain · 12/12/2012 19:38

are you planning on showing him the mail? If so and he just denies it, he'll make sure you cannot see his mails in future. I think I would keep quiet about the mail if you can so you can observe what happens after you talk to him about it tonight.

Loveweekends10 · 12/12/2012 19:44

When I left a job a few years ago my male colleague was upset because we were friends. We see each other for a curry every couple of months.
Am I having an affair absolutely not. We are just grown ups who accept that we can also have friends of the opposite sex. His wife is fab. My husband is fab.
Your husband probably doesn't tell you because you have an unhealthy suspicion he will be up to something!

mummymeister · 12/12/2012 22:30

hope you are OK bitterorange. never a good thing to have to deal with but better out in the open.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 12/12/2012 22:35

It is entirely your decision. You owe this woman nothing. Working upwards from that premise decide what outcome you are looking for and act accordingly to achieve it.

Original poster

bitterorange · 13/12/2012 08:05

I spoke to dh.

Nothing has happened between them. A couple of weeks ago she sent him an email telling him that she has a crush of him and felt like this when they were working together but could hold back from telling him no longer. He saw her a few days later at something organised by the company he used to work for and told her that he would not be attending any of the nights out she used to organise - she stormed out (she is very highly strung and emotional!). They will not be seeing each other again.
I told him I was snooping but didn't want to say anything until I had more than just a gut feeling or something i could have misinterpreted. He said if he hasn't received the email from her a couple of weeks ago he would have thought it was all in my head as he said he really had no idea about her feelings for him.
Am very glad its all out in the open now!

OP posts:

Original poster

bitterorange · 13/12/2012 08:06

I will add I will not tell her husband anything.

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