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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to feel like a milking machine?

30 replies

iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 01:13

Was at PIL last Saturday, had DD3 (3 weeks) taken off me the second we walked in and only passed back for feeds. As soon as I finished feeding she was taken off me again. Hard to say no when MIL asks for a cuddle...

Back there this Sunday and not looking forward to it...

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 07/12/2012 01:28

Just say no...

Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 01:33

I know but easier said than done as don't want to upset people... I just hate feeling like I don't have the control over my own baby.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 07/12/2012 01:34

Be under the weather or have a bad night.

Great excuse not to go

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 07/12/2012 01:35

Learn to take control now or they will be like this forever and will run rough shod over you. You're an adult now and a Mum to boot. Say no! Your baby, your choices.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/12/2012 01:40

Oh and yanbu but expect a flaming due to it being the in laws and using the word control in the same sentence as own baby.

Sometimes on here babies aren't yours, in laws can do what the feck they like and having any control over anything is frowned apon especially if its a baby.

Oh and somebody always jumps into to say ohhhh I'm dreading the future because I'm a mum to boys.

But yanbu

Valdeeves · 07/12/2012 01:41

Keep visits short / it's like this for everyone.

richardsimmonstanktop · 07/12/2012 01:47

What California said. Stand up for yourself.

When they ask to take him back just smile and say "no, he's fine here, thank you."

If this is your third child what did you do with your previous children??

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 07/12/2012 01:47

What's the problem, unless DD3 is unhappy being held by others?. Enjoy having both hands free, or even better, tell them you're going to nip upstairs for a nap Grin.

Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 01:47

This is DD3, only have this issue with the newborns/babies as MIL just loves cuddling the little ones. They obviously have their opinions on other stuff but I handle that fine as can justify my reasons. Hard to just say "well no sorry actually I'm enjoying my cuddle" when in theory I get cuddles all the time. I also get the "it's good for them to get used/bond with other people" line and suspect they'd think I was overprotective.

Also, it would upset DP if I upset his mum...

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 01:55

Not sure it bothered me quite as much before, slowly getting more "sensitive"annoyed by the PIL and their opinions since having kids. They're lovely people, just very opinionated and confident in themselves.

I just wish they'd let me offer over rather than just take... I'd never do that!

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 07/12/2012 01:59

i can understand the not liking her just being taken off you and handed back for feeds but TBH in your shoes, i would enjoy it. when both my dcs were born i was a LP so this may cloud my opinion but i was constantly holding them as i was the only one there. i was glad when people came to visit as they would be happy to sit and hold them for ages. couldn't you try and see it as a wee break for you at least until the novelty wears off for PILs?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 07/12/2012 02:06

although if you really dont want to give in to it you could try the mock child stubborny "nope she's all mine for a bit" and pretend clutching her tight like a child would do with a toy. i dont think i'm describing it very well but i'm thinking of a thing i do with my dcs as a joke. i would lift say one of their teddies and pretend it's mine and they will ask for it back (all the while laughing, they know this routine!) and i will say "nope, it's all mine. you cant have it" and pretend to pull it closer to me and turn my head to the side. obviously with adults you wouldn't need to labour the point as much but i think it could be a way of getting your way without seeming controlling (not saying you are controlling but that theu might think you are being)

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 07/12/2012 02:07

does any of that make any sense? Confused

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 07/12/2012 03:33

santa have you been on the eggnog? Grin I know what you mean though.

OP, sorry but I think you probably do need to just let this one go, and reap the benefits of it. So long as DD3 is content being held by GP's then just let it go. Look at it from their point of view- they'll see refusal as you begrudging them holding their GC for a few hours once a week.

cfc · 07/12/2012 05:56

Yabu.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 07/12/2012 06:02

You really need to be more forceful in saying no

Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 06:51

Well differences of opinion, I either need to accept it or be forceful in saying no, which I don't necessarily want to do. Just wish they wouldn't be so forceful in taking her off me. I suppose when we're out at people's houses I don't need to host so it's actually easier to sit and cuddle than it is in my own house.

Well hopefully it won't be quite as bad as last weekend.

OP posts:
harassedandherbug · 07/12/2012 06:55

I'm a mum of four ages 23 to 11mths, and also have three grandchildren ages 3 to 5mths. I can see this from both angles!

I'd hate if anybody did this with my babies, luckily nobody has! But, I love my little grandchildren to bits. It's not until you have them that you realise just how much you can love a child that you haven't borne yourself. And having a baby myself makes it even more apparent. Incidentally my grandchildren are my sons children and I have two wonderful dil's. I would never just take the baby from either of them.

I think you need to say something, a jokey way would probably be least offensive. Although you might appreciate the time off in a few months Xmas Grin!

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/12/2012 06:57

Either view it as a good thing, or develop a set of lines like "I'm just getting him settled, then he would love a cuddle" to put them off grabbing him immediately

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfJolly · 07/12/2012 07:01

Actually you could say "I'm still establishing my milk supply and if I spend no time just cuddling my child today it could do damage that will be difficult to repair."

Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 07:10

It just seemed particularly bad last weekend, DD3 had been a little bit sick on the way over so MIL took her straight off me to change her, then passed her to FIL. Luckily DP came in and got her back for a feed. As soon as I'd stopped feeding MIL was back and took her off me again, then layed her on the floor whilst we ate. I could have done this myself, although wouldn't have done as she hasn't been well and doctor told me to keep her upright a much as possible.

Then later for next feed, I'd barely finished feeding when MIL took her off me again... I had just started burping her. I said she needed to burp but she just cuddled her without burping her. To be fair this wouldn't normally bother me but was quite rough last week with cough/cold so needed winding lots to stop being sick with the mucus ( which I'd told MIL).

Then managed to get her back when we went home!!!!

I have absolutely no objections to them having cuddles, just wish it was in my control and also that I wasn't just being used as a milking machine. I came away feeling utter crap!!

OP posts:
Otherworld · 07/12/2012 07:10

I think you are being just a teeny bit unreasonable if it's just about holding the baby. But it sounds to me like it's not.

So you need a plan - you could shorten your visit. Maybe only a couple of hours? Or you could start a big row by being stroppy about handing her over to her GPs. Or you could accept that they want time with her, hand her over at the door and see it as an opportunity to spend time with your other children. Or cancel entirely.

I loved the new baby stage too. Loved being able to cuddle my newborns for hours on end.

Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 07:12

Good idea Deck. I've actually had mastitus this week so can use that this weekend as needing to feed as much as possible (even though I'm hoping it will be better this by Sunday).

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveholidays · 07/12/2012 07:17

Thanks otherworld. To be honest it's about me not getting a say and losing all control. I did spend lots of time with my other DCs so it was lovely from that angle. I just felt crap having someone come and take her off me constantly, just not a nice feeling.

OP posts:
whois · 07/12/2012 08:39

Don't have to be aggressive about it, just say "I'll pass her over in a minute, I need a bit if a cuddle with her after the feed. Thanks so much for helping out today, I've really appreciated the chance to spend some time with the other DCs but you know, I've really missed the baby! How funny is that?!?" All said with a big smile and an iron grip on your DD.

Cos you know they ARE doing to a favour by taking the baby AND it's nice they are so interested in her. So make your point in a nice way that you miss your DD!