Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To put this on my dd's pushchair?

32 replies

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 19:07

Dd is on a ventilator when asleep and 'bad times' I no people will stare and it bugs me no one asks if they are so interested! Today during a 15min bus journey an elderly woman stared constantly at dd's vent (which is kept in a see through box under pushchair) I was really annoyed! If its not dd they stare at its e vent so I thought about putting a little sign on it say " it's called life support, not a freak show.... Please don't stare" AIBU?

OP posts:

lisad123 · 16/11/2012 19:08

Nope, I would do it

bamboostalks · 16/11/2012 19:10

Am sure people are feeling nothing but sympathy. I know you're not looking for it but let it go.

JoandMax · 16/11/2012 19:11

Not unreasonable at all! DS2 had an NG for over a year and the stares used to really get to me at times, I would much rather people just asked than whispering and doing double takes....

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 19:12

Your right I don't want sympathy I'm one of those mums though hat doesn't mind explaining what's what if they ask but think Just to stare is rude

OP posts:

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 19:12

joandmax exactly how I feel! :)

OP posts:

maddening · 16/11/2012 19:15

It is rude - but seeing a child in a situation such as yours might invoke many thoughts and emotions, so they might not intentionally be doing it - but it is thoughtless to you and your daughter - they should be more mindful of your feelings.

Kalisi · 16/11/2012 19:31

My DS was on oxygen for 9 months so I'm familliar with stares. I never felt they were rude though and some people are very curious and genuinely don't realise it would be better to just ask.
I'm going to put my hard hat on here and say YAB a bit U. Purely because if I was to just glance over and see that sign, I would feel a bit guilty and defensive even though I hadn't done anything. Yanbu to be fed up as some people can be so frickin obvious! Maybe word it differently though so it's not an attack?

Kalisi · 16/11/2012 19:33

On a side note, I'm sure by a few terrified glances I received once that some poor woman thought I had a bomb under the pram!

Sirzy · 16/11/2012 19:35

The problem is some people wouldn't like to be asked and would take offence so often people will look but not ask so as not to cause offence.

I think you are best to ignore it unless they actually say something to you, you have enough to worry about without being concerned about a few glances from strangers.

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 19:40

kalisi my dd was too on oxygen and it's shocking that the nasal canulae got more stares than a massive mask she has now lol! It is a bit offensive on my part but i did add please in there

OP posts:

Kalisi · 16/11/2012 19:56

Haha that's ok then! You could always just add a smiley face and a LOLZ and you could get away with "What the fuck you staring at?"

I'll never forget the day a little boy (about 5) came running over and stopped dead in his tracks before poking DS and asking if he was real. The Mother came bounding after him absolutely mortified. I found it so funny.Kids are brilliant.

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 19:58

Omg bless him!!! It's only a temporary thing til I can teach her to say "do you have a problem?...no?.... Please don't stare then!" Ahha she's only two so will be a while yet x

OP posts:

lljkk · 16/11/2012 20:05

I wasn't there so I don't know what the stares are really like. But I tend to think you're oversensitive. Folk are probably just puzzled & curious.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/11/2012 20:15

I agree with bamboo and lijkk. I'm sure alot of people will be looking and thinking to themselves (especially the older people) "Little soul, having to cope" Maybe they have grandchildren and are projecting a bit onto their own GC, how they would feel.

BTW those who say that you'd give short shrift.

My DD and I were travelling together and another family sat down to have their meal. My DD is 10 yo and a very well mannered and caring girl.
The older child dropped a toy and my DD picked it up, The child turned to take it and smiled. The little boy had Downs Syndrome and I don't think she knew quite what but she could see his face was different- the eyes, the smile .

She said "Mum...." to me.
The boys mum very gently explained to my DD that the little boy had Downs Syndrome and he'd had it since a baby.

If she'd have said "Don't stare, it's rude" I'd have been gutted.

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 20:23

70 I no where your coming from,
It's not everyone . I can walk past people and they will look at her give a funny expression that doesn't bother me in the same sense tht your dd glanced at the boy, however it's those select few that stare for a prolonged period. Even after we have noticed them. I am very vocal about her condition and will explain to anyone what's wrong. In the sense of my dd I want to teach her when to ask do you have. A problem? In response to that (if anyone said it to me) I would say no I was just looking at said disability/person and wondered could you explain? I no most
Probably wouldn't but I'd hope a few would be brave enough lol! It's more about preparing her for her peers, she starts
Nursery next September x

OP posts:

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 16/11/2012 20:28

My DS was on Oxygen for bloody years and an NG tube for a while too. I got him one (or two!) of those god awful billy-bob teeth dummies. A great ice breaker, and people noticed/commented on them way more than the nasal cannulas.

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 20:31

mycar that's an awesome idea! I did have a t-shirt saying "don't stare
Because I'm special, smile
Because I'm a. Miracle" that helped a hit
Too! She's too small now :(

OP posts:

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 16/11/2012 20:34

Aww that sounds great! The dummies were more by luck (and my crap sense of humor) than anything, but people would laugh at them, comment, and then we'd have the 'prem baby' chat

quoteunquote · 16/11/2012 20:41

My friend had a laminated little sign that dangled from the buggy hood, that said,"Isn't science amazing?" and "love the NHS" on the other side,with smiley faces.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 16/11/2012 20:43

I'm sorry your DD needs it :(

The vast majority of people don't mean to upset you. Most people wont ask though, because they don't know what response they will get... some people are happy to talk about it, some aren't and the last thing you want to do is cause futher upset or create a scene.

If you don't mind discussing it, why not just say 'I can see you have noticed DD's oxygen, she struggles to breathe due to x whatever whatever whatever' and engage rather than get angry.

Also, sometimes people will be miles away and their eyes will rest on something different - especially if it has moving parts and to be perfectly blunt, it's really not doing any harm starting at the 'vent' under the pushchair is it - it's not like they are looking at your DD and staring at her.

You need to take it in your stride otherwise you are going to get very very stressed. I found one good coping mechanism was to look them in the eye and smile - then engage in conversation if they don't turn away.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/11/2012 20:53

There was one post I read on here (and I can't quote it exactly but the poster will recognise it I'm sure)

Something like:
the older brother of a child with a disability or SN (can't remeber exactly).
He did some leaflets that said "Please don't stare at my brother.He's a little boy trying his best"

Bless him

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 16/11/2012 21:02

chippin I understand where ur comin from I do look back at then if I noticed them staring they tend to look away. There are certain people who will ask which is nice, an Eon representative stopped me today to ask about her. If any does stare at her she says "hiya" and it either embarrasses them or makes them laugh lol! She was playing peak a boo the other day on the bus with a man. Ie had a few Peoole think it's to do with me, bein a young mum they assume I smoke/drank while pregnant therefore caused dd's problems it's ony when I say no actually is a spontaneous genetic condition that they change there tone, this has made me a bit reserved I think x

OP posts:

myfirstkitchen · 17/11/2012 22:52

70is...
your DD is a child though! So understandable. Adults who stare are just rude :(

Dominodonkey · 17/11/2012 23:33

YANBU to not like it but please don't think too harshly of the people concerned. I was walking down the street and my eyes fell on a woman, I was tired and feeling a bit out of it so my eyes lingered as somehow my brain knew something was unusual. I suddenly realised that the lady had quite severe facial disfigurement and then I didn't want to look away quickly in case she thought I didn't like looking at her but was scared she would think I was deliberately staring. Sometimes you just don't know what to do for the best.

threesocksmorgan · 17/11/2012 23:36

yanbu so not
sorry to hear your little one is unwell.
I have had 17 yr of shit for brains people/children staring at my beautiful dd, so feel your pain.
people should not ask you about your dd end of

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread