To be p*ssed off about this?

[Autumn12]

DH went to a work thing yesterday afternoon. The last thing he said before he left for work in the morning was that he would be late home from work but that he promised not to roll in drunk.

You can see where this is going can't you?

I replied to a text that he sent me at about 9.30pm asking him if he was drunk. He replied that he was a little bit but would be leaving in an hours time. I sent one more text reminding him of his promise to not come home drunk and didn't hear anything else from him.

He turned up home at midnight, crashing around and leaving uneaten McDonalds food all over the kitchen table.

When i tried talking to him this morning about it, he tried telling me that he had got home at 10pm!!! He then tried to tell me that he had been on the tube for ages. Nowhere in London would take 2 hours to get home from on the tube - I'm not stupid!!!

He now reckons that I am being unreasonable and that he was enjoying himself and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Apparently, I have double standards as I don't mind if he gets drunk or stays out late when I'm out with him. He is totally missing the point! I'm p*ssed off that he got drunk because he promised me that he wouldn't.

So AIBU or is he?

He is BU but you were being unrealistic.

Depends - why did you especially want him to promise not to get drunk, and how often does he do this?

I'd be annoyed if DH felt the need to extract a promise from me not to do something, without a good reason. If there's a good reason, I'd feel guilty too, though.

I think it depends why it was so important to you that he didn't get drunk?

Why didn't you want him to get drunk?

On the bare face of it coming home drunk at midnight with a bit of Maccy D's and then just going to bed isn't bad (IMO).

Is there more to this OP?

Why should he promise you he wont get drunk? He was on a works do.

I would get so irritable if my husband were texting me and mithering me while I was on a night out, telling me not to get pissed.

I would, mind you, had been very peeved if he hadn't bought a big mac home for me ;)

He shouldn't have lied about the tube and unrealistic to promise to come home sober but is there a reason he feels the need to cover his tracks?

Do you try and control him?

I sometimes go out and have a few more than I should. If you weren't planning on anything I don't know what the big deal is.

But if he gets blathered all the time then there's a problem.

OK, my DH likes a drink and can get very drunk on work things. I hate it, I hate the fact his colleagues see him so out of control, I stress about when he's going to come home. I used to get so wound up in these situations and text all the time, make him promise when to get home, etc etc. It did not work. It does no good. If he's going to go out and get drunk (and btw this is once in a blue moon and he doesn't have an alcohol problem) then he's going to go out and get drunk. Nothing I can do will influence that.

So I now chill out. And it's better.

So. If your post is all there is to it (ie you're not skint, he's not an alcoholic, you don't have to get up at 5am to go and do something important), then YABU. Take a step back. He's an adult. He's allowed to go out and get drunk.

Yu realy do't hae t pretnd yo're nt sweaing b usng

And what squeaky said.

Ooh what food was on the table? Quarterpounder with cheese? Fries? Don't mind it I do!

You sound very controlling. Why wasn't he allowed to get drunk or come in at midnight? I'm assuming he's over 18.

To start with I didn't ask him to not get drunk. He said he would be late, and I asked whether by late he meant home later than usual, or roll in drunk in the early hours. He then took it upon himself to promise that he would not be coming home drunk.

It happens quite a lot that he tells me he is going out for "an hour" and ends up staying out til really late and rolling home really drunk. Sometimes he tells me that he is "heading home when I finish this pint" and then doesn't turn up home until hours later. I have tried talking to him so many times about it. I can't get him to understand that I find it disrespectful, inconsiderate and frankly immature.

I've asked him to just send me a text to let me know that he is staying out so that I'm not sat at home watching the clock expecting him through the door at any minute. If he tells me he is on his way home then of course I worry when an hour later he is still not back. If I try to call him to see that he is ok he either won't answer or will answer but be too drunk to make any sense.

When he goes out on a proper work do like a Christmas party then I expect him to come home at 2am completely wasted and I wouldn't be asking where he was.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask when someone will be back. I have OCD and really struggle with not knowing what is happening. So DH texts me if he'll be working late/is stopping via the petrol station/is in traffic. So if OPs H says he'll be back by ten then it's reasonable for her to expect him back by ten.

But it needs to be by mutual agreement. She can't dictate to him when he has to be home and whether he's allowed to get drunk (within reason).

Well, now what you are saying makes a difference here. Sounds like he's got a bit of problem with either drink or growing up?

Sounds like me before DH chilled out. When we were younger he didn't like me going out, disliked certain friends etc. I wanted to go and was always walking on pins to try and appease him while still going.

It led to me telling white lies/trying to minimise things and him getting annoyed at my caginess.

When we had a frank conversation it stopped I.e I'd say exactly what I wanted to do and as long as it wasn't taking the piss he would back off.

You need to ask him why he feels the need to lie and in return you will be less, uptight?

Mmm.

I wonder if he's got an alcohol problem TBH. I don't say that to judge him at all, btw. I'm not sure I'd judge DH for getting drunk when he said he wouldn't - because it wouldn't occur to me he'd done it deliberately. But then he doesn't regularly do that sort of thing and I do think that makes a difference.

And I can understand you being worried about where he is.

I'm not sure what the answer is, other than to try to work out if he does have an alcohol problem. If he does it's a different ball game from if he doesn't, IMO.

If he doesn't, I think it'd just be a matter of telling him you don't care if he wants to get drunk but you'd just like to know, and it's actually a bit more annoying when he doesn't just say 'I'm going to be drunk and late back'.

Yes there is a problem. Once he starts drinking he doesn't always know when to stop.

He says if he had a drink problem then he would be drinking all day every day. Which of course we all know is not the case.

Hmm. I think you need to stop asking, unless this is a regular problem that is causing an issue in itself and he's regularly overspending/overindulging in drink to the detriment of other things.
I had a few tense discussions with DP because he was fed up with me asking when he'd be back etc. (although I didn't feel I was being unreasonable at the time, it did come across as a bit controlling).
Ask yourself, do I really need to know when he'll be back and if he'll be drunk? I found once I let go of that and just said "have a nice night, see you when you get in" I enjoyed my night in to myself and it stopped any tension.

Softlysoftly it's not that I don't want him to go out. I'd just like to know that when he tells me he isn't going to go AWOL or come back at whatever time so drunk he can barely stand that he is telling the truth.

I know that plans sometimes change - but is it so hard to send a quick text to inform the person you are married to?

Time keeping isn't my dh's strong point, and he used to regularly underestimate how much time things would take and thus be home much later than he would have originally told me. I used to get very upset by this. The way that we have solved this is 1) he has got better at sending me a text when he is actually on the train home. 2) I have stopped asking him to tell me when he will be back. I merely assume that when he is out for the evening, I will not see him until the next day. I enjoy my evening to myself, he enjoys his evening, and if he comes home early it is a pleasant surprise.
It does sound like there is an underlying issue with his drinking that you find difficult, and perhaps that is what needs to be addressed.

Why are you clock watching for him to come back? It's easy to say you won't get drunk before you go out, but when you're out and your friends and colleagues are persuading you to have 'just one more' then it's hard to say 'actually I need to go home'.

Why don't you just ask him to text you when he's on his way home? And then you can get on with your night in peace.

My ex Husband used to act like this when I was out with colleagues and frankly I hated it, it was embarrassing and made me feel small, like I wasn't 'allowed' to stay out or drink.

The ting is I dont always ask him when he is coming home. He will text me and say "Oh I'm heading home", and then not appear for hours. I've asked him not to do this - or to drop me another text if plans change but he just won't or can't do it.

Chances are by the time he actually heads home he will be too drunk to text me anyway.

I probably do come across as controlling over it. It's not the going out, or the drinking that is my issue, it's the fact that I can't rely on him when he is drinking.

Just one example out of many - we had plans to do something together one friday night. He had to go and pick up some tickets from someone in another part of town. I waited at home for him. Knowing the journey he had to do he ought to have made it home by 7pm at the very latest. He didn't rock up until 8.30pm drunk and hiccupping and totally oblivious to why I was upset. He had no recollection of the fact that I was sat at home waiting for him so that we could go out. Now this wasn't a loose arrangement we had made days earlier - we had last discussed it at 5pm that same evening.

Yabu to tell him not to get drunk