To be p*ssed off about this?

[Autumn12]

DH went to a work thing yesterday afternoon. The last thing he said before he left for work in the morning was that he would be late home from work but that he promised not to roll in drunk.

You can see where this is going can't you?

I replied to a text that he sent me at about 9.30pm asking him if he was drunk. He replied that he was a little bit but would be leaving in an hours time. I sent one more text reminding him of his promise to not come home drunk and didn't hear anything else from him.

He turned up home at midnight, crashing around and leaving uneaten McDonalds food all over the kitchen table.

When i tried talking to him this morning about it, he tried telling me that he had got home at 10pm!!! He then tried to tell me that he had been on the tube for ages. Nowhere in London would take 2 hours to get home from on the tube - I'm not stupid!!!

He now reckons that I am being unreasonable and that he was enjoying himself and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Apparently, I have double standards as I don't mind if he gets drunk or stays out late when I'm out with him. He is totally missing the point! I'm p*ssed off that he got drunk because he promised me that he wouldn't.

So AIBU or is he?

Got to say I hate it when DH used to go on about texting, you lose track of time when our and it feels like pressure to 'begave'.

How frequent is it?

If its him once a fortnight then do as clumsy says and just assume no contact until you see him the following day. If its twice a week you then start considering a drink issue and questioning the time away.

Xpost then yes on your last post you have an issue, that is disrespectful and would worry me that he would drink on a non drinking errand.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all and I totally get where you are coming from. My other half had a spate of behaving in a similar way when my first child was born. He would go and play football on Sunday morning, say he would be home for lunch and not turn up. Wouldnt answer his phone all day, then call me mid avo telling me to wait to have dinner as he would be home to have dinner with me. By 9.30pm when he still hadnt turned up I would be going frantic! He would ignore his phone etc etc. I was the same as you, I dont care if he wants to go out and stay out, thats up to him but when he kept telling me he would be home in an hour, or home for tea etc etc it meant me staying in all day waiting around for him and worrying when he didnt turn up. I always said I didnt care what he did or where he went, just have the courtesy to let me know so I can stop worrying and get on. Thankfully he grew out of it and I now struggle to get him to go out at all!!!! I say give him some of his own medicine! Go for a night out with your friends, enjoy yourself and see how he likes it when you dont call him and roll in late!! Thats not the answer of course! Not sure what is really, just wanted to say I had experienced the same and thankfully he grew out of it!

Hypermum1 that's exactly it its' a courtesy issue, and a respect issue for me.

It happens a lot less frequently than it used to. But it still happens too often for my liking. I worry that if we have kids together that I wouldn't be able to contact him in an emergency, or if I could contact him he'd be too drunk to know what was going on. He of course says that he wouldn't get so drunk if we had kids - but he would say that wouldn't he?

Softlysoftly - He apparently had to buy the guy he got the tickets from a drink to say Thanks, and that led to another and another etc. Until I was completely forgotten about. He couldn't just leave as that would've been rude - though it's ok to be rude to me it seems!

I'm guessing, but it sounds like he has a problematic relationship with drinking out. He believes what he says when he says he's going to come home sober. HE texts you as a way to try and take that step to leave. But then gets seduced by the idea of another drink and is too embarrased about the fact he's failed to master himself. So he doesn't update you (perhaps he even keeps kidding himself that it's just one more, maybe 20 minutes, no need to bother you, then one more turns into two...) and gets defensive about it when challenged. Because deep down he knows the drink got the better of him - and he'd rather ignore that than have to face that weakness.

Like I say, it's just a guess. If it is the case, then this isn't about persuading him to have more respect for you. It's about what you want to do about living with someone with a drink problem. Because whatever you do about him respecting you in the normal course of things, it will mean nothing if he can't master his desire to drink.

EmmelineGoulden that's exactly it!

According to him he doesn't have a drink problem as he is not drinking all day everyday. He doesn't think the fact that his drinking is the main cause of any arguments between us, or that he has got into crap situations because of drinking constitutes a drink problem.

What does he say when you talk to him about this when he's sober?

Yes he has a drink problem.

The fact he gets defensive when you challenge his is good evidence of this.

I think he needs to speak to a professional.

It goes like this - He gets drunk, does whatever it is, I tell him I'm annoyed/angry/hurt etc he gets defensive and tells me that I'm overreacting/being controlling etc etc. A day or two later he will back down and apologise and promise to cut down his drinking/be more considerate (or whatever it is he is promising that week). The next time he goes out it happens again.

Every time he promises something I ask why I should believe him this time and he doesn't understand at all why I don't automatically trust him on it.

You're not being U at all. Have you tried asking him how he would feel of you did the same thing? I had many conversation rows with DH about the same thing. It's nothing to do with you telling him not to get drunk, because you didn't say that, it's everything to do with respect and growing the fuck up!!
DH still does it occasionally, goes for a pint or 2 after work, never tells me if he's going to be back before the DC's go to bed.
Frankly, I stopped asking, stopped expecting him to be home and stopped including him in anything we do after school. It worked for the most part, he just loses all sense when out with his workmates and I refuse to be seen as the nagging wife constantly asking where he is, even though I'm not.

He would just say that he wouldn't mind as he isn't controlling like me.

The fact is that I very rarely get totally plastered, and when I do I am capable of consideration.

Autumn, have you thought about going to Al-Anon? It helps family and friends of alcoholics.

I don't underestimate the anguish this behaviour of his causes. It's not just enjoying having a good time, he has not grasped the seriousness of it.

It does sound as if he has a drinking problem.

To be perfectly honest, in my opinion it's not acceptable to come rolling home drunk. It's just not necessary. There are too many people who think it's perfectly fine to get out of control with drink.