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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect condolences

90 replies

spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 00:28

I informed my longish distance fiance my grandfather died today..i fully expected him to call on his lunch break. We habitually text throughout the day. He said i should have asked him to call. This eve a text to say hope you're ok and his phone is not working well...then when i eventually email and he replies i say i had expected him to call or get in touch somehow as i certainly would have if his grandmother had died..the blame is mine. He says i am being out of order to make him feel guilty and i know he is there if i need him.

OP posts:
whois · 15/11/2012 01:22

YABU he's not a mind reader. If you wanted to talk you could have ring him. Honestly, you can't get pissy for someone for not knowing exactly what you were thinking.

MakeItALarge · 15/11/2012 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toofattorun · 15/11/2012 07:25

My condolences to you on your grandfather passing away. Thanks

He has got the unbelievable cheek of saying your making him feel guilty. Hello?? Your poor grandfather has just passed away and he thinks your out of order? How about a little compassion from him and actually just accepting that he was wrong not to call (even if he thought he was right) and just trying to be there for you. YANBU.

CailinDana · 15/11/2012 08:05

Well you could have called him, but I get where you're coming from, and under the circumstances the only kind response from him would be "I'm sorry, would you like to talk about it?" Even if he feels guilty telling you that when you're upset isn't very kind.

PurplePidjin · 15/11/2012 08:15

I would expect a call immediately to show support and see how you're feeling. It's called caring about the other person!

Justforlaughs · 15/11/2012 08:21

Do you not believe him when he says that his phone wasn't working properly? You say that you normally text each other through the day, so did thta happen and he didn't mention your loss or di dyou not have any "usual" contact? I'd like to think that he would have called but you could have called him if you really wanted to chat. Unfortunately men don't always think like we do, I know that my DH would ring me if he had time but we've been together a long time now and when we were first together (probably for about 5 years!) he wouldn't have realised that it was important to me because it wouldn't have been to him.

VoiceofUnreason · 15/11/2012 08:30

Yes, I can see why you might be pissed off but people respond in different ways. I wonder what age you and your fiance are, because I have noticed these days that people under a certain age seem to text constantly and hardly ever pick up the phone and speak.

How did you inform him of your grandfather's death? Did you ring him and leave a voicemail if he didn't answer your phone? It is often the case that if you text someone about something, they will simply text back. If they receive a voicemail, they will ring. They tend to respond to the message in the format it was sent, basing its importance on that (ie, if it was important, you'd ring me).

Not saying it's right, but I see it all the time.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 08:59

I Texted the news because he was working but pretty often he calls at lunch to de stress about work stuff. He did text in the day, usual flirty stuff and when i didn't respond in kind but said i was surprised he hadn't called he got defensive then said his phone was broke. Eventually i fb messaged him and he said i could have called him if i needed him and was out of order to make him feel bad. I apologised and since he has ignored me. I do feel bad for making him feel guilty. He can't do guilt. But tbh he hasn't even asked how he died or if my parents or children are ok. Guess everyone is different but i would have called at earliest opportunity. Even a text saying i was in his thoughts would have meant a lot. I know now he will go on about how out of order i was until i make him feel better about himself.

OP posts:
Katisha · 15/11/2012 09:02

"he can't do guilt"? Hmmm.

HecatePropylaea · 15/11/2012 09:08

he sounds really self centred.

He calls you when he needs to vent. He calls you to flirt. You're making him feel guilty...

It's all about him.

Someone who cares about you - thinks about you.

If I loved someone and someone they loved had just died, I would be there for them. If I couldn't be there physically, I would call them, let them know that I was thinking of them.

It's what you do for someone who matters to you.

He is not demonstrating that you matter to him.

I just can't believe you apologised to him. your grandfather has just died. You are upset. He doesn't see if you're ok, say sorry for your loss, be there for you to talk to, or do anything that demonstrates he cares you're in pain. He does however send you flirty messages Hmm and when you tell him you're upset that he isn't showing he understands you're upset because you've lost someone - he's cross with you for making him feel bad, he doesn't appreciate being 'made' to feel guilty, he starts to ignore you...

... and you apologise!

You didn't owe him an apology. you really didn't.

Shakirasma · 15/11/2012 09:16

YANBU

Do not marry this man, judging by your subsequent post I think he is intrinsically selfish and will never be able to give you what you need and deserve emotionally.

I am vey sorry for your loss OP x

Noren · 15/11/2012 09:20

He seems incredibly lacking in empathy. Maybe you should assess whether he is really a good candidate for being your husband.

Isityouorme · 15/11/2012 09:22

I agree with Hecate and shak .... He is a twat and selfish and this would be a deal breaker in the relationship. Bye bye crap boyfriend!

Original poster
spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 09:26

Thanks for your condolences all x

OP posts:
justmyview · 15/11/2012 09:27

Sorry about your grandfather.

Re your fiance, I can understand him not calling you (he's not a mindreader), but when he realised that you would have appreciated a call, he shouldn't have gone all defensive. He should have been sympathetic.

I apologised and since he has ignored me. I do feel bad for making him feel guilty. He can't do guilt.

I'm cross on your behalf about this - you ended up apologising to him? That's not right. Sounds like you're trying very hard to keep the peace, at any cost. That's not healthy. Relationships should be 2 way.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 09:29

I should say that when i told him if your Gran died i would have called asap. That's when he said i was out of order and i should know he is there for me 24 7. Was i harsh. Be honest :)

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 15/11/2012 09:30

Yes, now we have more info from you OP, I have no hesitation in declaring him a selfish twat and suggest you strongly consider making the post of fiance vacant and, in due course of time, finding a better candidate for the position.

I was a bit surprised at you having a long distance fiance, to be honest. I'd be more inclined to wait until you've spent a lot of time much closer together before going for that commitment.

Very sorry for the loss of your grandfather. I shall not be sorry to hear you've kicked him into touch and got rid.

HecatePropylaea · 15/11/2012 09:34

I don't think so.

You shouldn't have to ASK someone who supposedly loves you to be there for you when you've suffered a bereavement. They should WANT to be there and they should know that you will need them to show it. They should not wait for you to ask for them. Hmm

He wasn't there for you. He did nothing. Telling you that you should have asked him to call is shit. Responding to a request to show that you care is not the same thing as showing that you care. - He would have been there for you if you asked is not 'being there for you. Being there for you requires thought and effort on his part - which he did not demonstrate.

Asking someone to show that they are 'there for you' renders anything they do from that point on totally meaningless.

PurplePidjin · 15/11/2012 09:34

Self-centred?

Selfish cunt!

You've suffered a bereavement and are worried about him feeling bad? Sack him off pronto Angry

I hope you and your family are ok Thanks

Original poster
spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 09:36

He moved away for work temporarily. Now i am resisting the urge to ask if he accepts my apology. Hate this sort of thing hanging over the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 09:38

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 15/11/2012 09:39

Hi op

Sorry for your loss too, I dont doubt however that he has made that loss a little bit worse if poss because of his behaviour and attitude. I too am gobsmacked at the arsehole attitude he has given you, and will expect a post from you further on down the rd in relationships stating his failings after marriage.

A loss can help/make you re evaluate things in your life, may I suggest he is at the top of the list. he has managed to make this all about him, instead of your grief, sorry too hear this. all the best

HullyEastergully · 15/11/2012 09:39

selfish ol arse

Original poster
spiritedaway · 15/11/2012 09:40

He moved away for work temporarily. Now i am resisting the urge to ask if he accepts my apology. Hate this sort of thing hanging over the day.

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 15/11/2012 09:40

So he's behaved badly and you're going to grovel around him until he forgives you?

Pleeeeeeeeease darling, I'm so sorry that I wanted you to show you care, forgive me...

Please don't, Spirited, please don't.

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